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Think I can find a private surrogate who will agree to this?

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  1. #1
    RoyalBlue
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    Question Think I can find a private surrogate who will agree to this?

    Hello Everyone!!

    This is my first post. I知 very new to the subject of surrogacy, and am just asking questions at this point. I知 a perspective parent, and want to have a baby through surrogacy. But I don稚 want to go through an agency for several reasons. One of them being that I wanted to draft a unique contract with the surrogate mother, with conditions that I wanted to run by all of you and get some feedback. For example, I知 wondering: Are my conditions reasonable? Will I have a hard time finding a serious surrogate who will carry for me under these conditions? Etc.

    First, let me just very briefly explain my situation. I知 a heterosexual single man who wants to have a child, with the probability of being a single dad. I致e never been much of a relationship-type of person. While I am completely open to meeting a woman who I壇 feel like I壇 want to spend my life with, I just am not sure ever I will (I知 a bit old-fashioned and never related very well to women near my age group)-- but I am sure that I want to be a parent. Passing on genetics is an extremely important principle to me. I realize that a single parent household is not ideal for any child, but as we know they can be entirely successful. I intend on waiting at least 5 years before I get the ball rolling on really looking for a prospective surrogate, so I知 taking the time between now and then to gather facts, resources, and anything that will help me make the right decisions.

    The surrogacy should be a 田losed surrogacy (if that's an applicable term to surrogacies). After birth, or better yet after the initial breastfeeding stage, I intend to eventually break all ties with the surrogate mother. The reason for this is because I do not want to risk any kind of emotional issues that my child could have by knowing their birth mother, particularly because of the high likelihood of moving (perhaps even internationally) due to my career. I致e also heard horror stories about feuds between the birth parents and the adopting parents, such as making all kinds of unfounded claims against the adoptive parents in order to regain custody of the child simply because they changed their minds AFTER the birth and wanted to keep the child. I will never risk that. So to sum up, they have to be willing to break all (or almost all) ties with me and the baby within a year after the birth.

    Other conditions include things like being involved -somewhat- in the life of the surrogate mother while she is pregnant. I want to ensure that the mother is not taking drugs, drinking alcohol, or is smoking behind my back. I want to ensure that the mother is relatively stress-free while pregnant, for the sake of the child. I also want to ensure that the mother is eating well, and not mostly garbage foods. While I don稚 intend on dictating the carrying mother痴 life or be invasive or anything, I do demand that the mother respect that I want my child to be as healthy as possible. I壇 even prefer to cook many of her meals, if possible.

    So, am I crazy? haha.

    I壇 love any feedback-- big or small. Any ideas, suggestions, or anything at all is welcome. By all means reply to this post or Private Message me and we can chat.

    Thanks a ton for reading! Be well, everyone!

    Rex


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  3. #2
    SC-Kelley M.
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    Hi Rex,

    I'm not sure how much you'd be able to dictate about your surrogate's life even while she's pregnant with your child as she remains an autonomous person. Also, in the States at least (I'm not sure where you are) you will need an egg donor and a gestational surrogate. It is illegal for a woman to be both, even if she's related to the intended parents. So, you'll have donor eggs from one woman and another woman will carry your child. Agencies can also help you find egg donors. Even if you opt to go the private surrogacy route, you should check out some agencies. One, because then you know what you're giving up and two, if nothing else their websites off a wealth of information on the process. Do you live in a surrogacy friendly state? Not all states allow surrogacy and the laws vary state by state as it is, so you'll want to be knowledgeable about that as well.


  4. #3
    RoyalBlue
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    Hi Kelley!

    Like I said, I don't intend to dictate anything in the surrogate mother's life, per se. I just want to be able to ensure that shes upholding the agreement to not drink, smoke, or do drugs. And I also want to get as much good food into her belly as possibly. That's bassically it. I live in Massachusetts, which seems to be pretty surrogate-friendly. And, yes, I'm still taking a look at agencies and all my other options at this point. I'm being very open-minded about this all and am just trying to figure out the best solution for me (and the child, of course).

    What do you think about the idea that I'd want the surrogate mother to contractually sign that she will not have contact to the child, or me (unless there's a reason) after the official adoption/surrender? Do surrogate mothers generally dislike that kind of thing?

    Thanks a TON for your feedback!

    Rex


  5. #4
    SC-Kelley M.
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    Hi Rex,

    To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what your fear or hesitation is around having contact with your child's gestational surrogate after birth actually is, but cutting her out entirely does seem rather harsh to me. Also, just to be clear, this is not an adoption. Adoption is a completely different issue. Your gestational surrogate is not your child's birth mother in the sense that I think you may be using. Yes, she will birth your child, but she will have no genetic connection to the baby. You are not adopting her child, you are not severing ties with a birth mother. You will purchase eggs through an agency, have them fertilized in the lab, and then transferred into the uterus of a second and completely different woman. So, no adoption.

    The complete, legally mandated separation seems harsh to me because you are asking a woman to give up close to a year of her life in order to help you achieve your dreams of having a family and then you're disappearing into the night without another word. It feels...cold in away. A friend of mine has been a surrogate a couple of times, but to say "my friend" feels laregly inadequate because really, her entire family committed to the surrogacy. Once she starts prepping for an embryo transfer, she and her husband can't have sex because they run the risk of conceiving. She's giving herself daily shots for months. She's still having to take care of her kiddos and family and work because surrogates all have had to birth their own child before so they know what they are agreeing to do. Even though your gestational surrogate is not genetically related to the child, she will love your child, she will bond with your child, and then she will birth your child and hand him or her over to you trusting, hoping that you are a good parent. It takes trust on both ends of this relationship.

    In the case of my friend, she always felt like an auntie that lives out of state. Yes, she loves the children she birthed, but she loves them as an Auntie would - she says for her at least it's a totally different kind of love than the love she has for her own children. The intended parents she's worked with send my friend the occasional photo or video, they keep her updated on the milestones of life for the child. My friend enjoys watching her pseudo-kids grow up. She loves knowing she helped complete another family like hers is completed.

    Gestational surrogates go into pregnancy knowing that after delivery, she's going home alone. This is another way that surrogacy is different than adoption. Actual birth mothers do not get pregnant thinking they won't be the one to raise their child. Placing your child up for adoption is one of the greatest acts of sacrificial love I can think of - it is saying, "I love you so much that I'm going to gift you to a family that can give you opportunities I cannot because your life and chance to thrive is more important than the pain and doubt this will cause me." If you were adopting, I could understand your fear of bonding or confusing your child (although I can also give you information about the benefits of open adoption), but with surrogacy, I think you're over afraid of the bond between the gestational surrogate and your child. I by no means can speak for everyone. I have a limited experience with it myself, but I would strongly encourage you to research what surrogacy is like for the woman and her family. Maybe talk to some gestational surrogates (if that's a thing) and ask them how they feel about communication after birth and then see how that feels to you.

    This my singular opinion though, so take it for it is - one voice in the sea of many. There are tons of posts in this forum about surrogacy. Jump in and start reading. I think it's great that you're playing the long game so that when you're ready, you'll be educated about the process.

    ~Kelley


  6. #5
    Romy69
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    Hi Rex,
    I had to reply to your post.

    Kelly was spot on with everything she said. Kate's suggestion about Ukraine might not work for you though because you are single and as far as I know they only work with heterosexual married couples. This might change over the years so keep it as an option if you so choose.

    I had my twins via a surrogate last year and I couldn't love her more than I already do. She was a total stranger. I have the utmost admiration for her courage and determination and the fact that she was a single mom who carried twins while working and looking after her own family made me respect her even more. I wouldn't have been able to do a better job myself and I've told her that.

    I got the impression that you are not aware what the role of a surrogate is. I see that you expect her to breastfeed your child / ren and this is not allowed according to standard surrogacy contracts for obvious reasons. If you so choose for the baby to be fed breast milk, you should contact a breast milk bank. At least this is the way it works where I am.
    I also find it extremely harsh to sever the bond once you have your baby. She carried the baby and bonded with him / her over the pregnancy and it is painful and brutal enough that she walks away empty handed. It is by mutual agreement whether you want her to receive updates, see the baby or tell him / her about the surrogate.

    You seem to be regarding surrogacy as a business transaction whereby you pay for goods delivered. Trust me, this is not it. During scans and frequent talks you bond with your surrogate and build a relationship and trust (this was in our case). You can't dictate what she eats and drinks but can always ask her to eat healthy and nutritional food and I think most surrogates do it anyway since they try to take great care of those babies. If you are concerned about smoking and drugs, you should definitely go with a surrogate chosen by an agency. In our contract there was an allowance that we can test her for smoking and drinking every so often and I just took it out. I saw her with her family and trusted her to look after our baby the same way. Trust has to start somewhere.

    Surrogacy is a difficult and trying journey on both sides and if you decide to plan it and contract it with military precision, you might not find a surrogate at all. As IPs, they want us to be by their sides, support them and listen to their rants if they so happen. Also, reasonable bonding with the surrogate mom's family was very important for us.

    Initially our SM said that she didn't want to see the babies once they were born, but changed her mind immediately after the birth and asked if she can see them. I was so happy about that cause she was very concerned about them as they landed in NICU and I could only reassure her that they were well if she saw them. She and her family have been at home for lunches and to see the babies once they were home, we chat often and she came to their 1st birthday party where we introduced her to everyone. I was so grateful that she was part of it.

    Surrogates are special miracle workers, who make lots of sacrifices, go through the pain of the injectables and at the end of the day are determined to give IPs that special gift that they carried for 9 months. They are awesome ladies, who should be cherished forever for making our families complete. I say a little thank you to her every morning when I see my kids smiling faces.

    You've set enough time for research, so maybe do that, speak to some agencies and hear what SMs have to say. If you are going to do the surrogacy in USA, please don't read the horrible stories about surrogacy from the Far East.

    Best of luck

    Just curious, how old are you?
    Last edited by Romy69; 09-11-2016 at 02:03 PM.


  7. #6
    ChinaMonkeys
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    Personally to me. I agree with ' the Postings ' of you see this as a ' Business Transaction. '

    '
    You seem to be regarding surrogacy as a business transaction whereby you pay for goods delivered. Trust me, this is not it. During scans and frequent talks you bond with your surrogate and build a relationship and trust (this was in our case). You can't dictate what she eats and drinks but can always ask her to eat healthy and nutritional food and I think most surrogates do it anyway since they try to take great care of those babies. If you are concerned about smoking and drugs, you should definitely go with a surrogate chosen by an agency. In our contract there was an allowance that we can test her for smoking and drinking every so often and I just took it out. I saw her with her family and trusted her to look after our baby the same way. Trust has to start somewhere. '

    Personally to me, you would be a ' Tailored Fit ' for Fostering . Than for someone doing something truly unique, quiet, private, unremarkable and remarkable, and awesome for your Family!!


  8. #7
    Ririand
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    Hello, I understand you. But, you have really big requests, in my opinion. I do not know if you can do it without an agency. And also you do not have a wife. I do not know if you can sign a formal contract with a surrogate mother. First you need to get acquainted with the laws. You really have a very difficult situation. Besides, I do not know where you live.


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