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Help! I am jealous of my husband to surrogate mother(((

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  1. #1
    Micy1575
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    Help! I am jealous of my husband to surrogate mother(((

    Girls, I think I'm going crazy. For me it was very difficult to decide on surrogacy, I always wanted to feel the happiness of motherhood, feel the child’s moving, feel as it grows inside. But fate had decided otherwise and now my child is in the womb of a stranger woman, my baby is growing in the body of a stranger!!! and perhaps it feels her, listens her voice and thinks that she is a mom. Honestly, I have the feeling, that another woman has robbed me of my child. But that's not the end, I think she steals my husband. I have to say that she is a very attractive woman. My husband is always worried about her health, he connects the manager and asks how she is, he even offered to buy surrogate mother gifts for the next visit. And how tenderly he looks at her tummy, how much care and tenderness in his gaze, he even approximately doesn't look that way to me. And he is always talking about her, always brags of surrogate mother among friends. It's just unbearable!!! Girls, advise me, maybe I wrongly worry, maybe I'm some kind of crazy, but I keep crying because of this, I had even ceased to enjoy the fact that we will soon have a baby, I absolutely don't feel like a mother - quite the contrary - I feel like a strange woman for the unborn child and for hubby. Maybe I am already not relevant. I even wanted to contact the expert, but I am very afraid that hubby gets wits about my thoughts(((


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  3. #2
    HelpAtFertilityAuthority
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    Hi Micy,

    I do give you a lot of credit for going through the surrogacy process. It is tough to have to mourn the loss of carrying a child. However, you will experience such joy once the baby is born. Perhaps your husband is extending such kindness to the surrogate as part of the process. He may be doing it to help you and to be involved. You should talk to a counselor as a couple to address your concerns, especially before the baby arrives.

    Good luck to you!

    Kim
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  4. #3
    rosaletta
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    I think the beautiful look at the surrogate is his way of looking at the baby. He is also so happy the surrogate was able to help your miracle come true so he is looking at her like a hero. Remember that it's all about the baby.


  5. #4
    BC-Sirell
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    I totally agree that it is NOT the surrogate that he is looking at . . . . it is your baby within her. I think he absolutely sees the surrogate as the person who is helping to make your dreams come true.

    I can abolutely imagine how tough it must have been for you to get to the point of being comfortable with surrogacy. You did not state whether it was your egg that was used, but either way I know from all of my previous Intended Moms that it defintely was a struggle for each of them.

    DNA and carrying a pregnancy does NOT make you a Mom. Love makes you a Mom. And I guarantee you WILL love this baby!! You will see. . . the very second your child is born and placed in your arms, you will fall madly in love and it will be as if he/she has been a part of your life forever.

    Start planning for his/her arrival. Decorate the nursery and buy clothes. Imagine yourself sitting in the rocking chair holding your wee miracle and singing lullabys. That day is very soon to come.

    Also, it would be very wise to seek some advice from a counselor. The last thing you want to happen while going through surrogacy is for it to destroy your marriage. Talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Lean on him right now. I am sure his is not feeling about your surrogate the way you think he is.

    Take a deep breath. . . and keep breathing. Focus on the end result. . . that's all that matters here.

    Hugs!


    Sirell
    GS to Logan Thomas (born 8/22/10)
    GS to Jodok Roy & Louis Neil (born 12/3/08)
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    GS to Katherine Sirell (born 8/21/03)
    TS to Eli Fredrick (born 8/20/01)
    The love of my life - Tim & our children - Alexandria, Ashley, Lacey, Jacob, & Jillian & grandson - Anthony


  6. #5
    Micy1575
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    Kim, girls! thanks for understanding! I just don’t know how to explain my feelings(( The most terrible that I feel myself out of process. He is different now, I feel alone(( It seemed like I am losing him and our family. Our relationship has deteriorated after we met that surrogate mother first time. I don’t think it’s all about baby. Yesterday when I tried to kiss my hubby when we laid down in a bed, he said that he was so tired and wanted to sleep. How can I react??? When he comes home tired, he starts writing manager in skype in order to ask about surrogate. When I ask him about help, or just some care, he is just tired for me. The child is biologically mine, and I know that I love my baby, but I am afraid that this time my baby loves another strange woman. Before my husband was so attentive, he never rejected me before… Once I tried to tell him about my thoughts, explain my state of mind, but he became so angry and told a lot of bad words to me. I understand that sometimes I am overreacting, but not so much I see that everything is different now and don’t know how to cope with it.


  7. #6
    Kathy47
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    Hi! I understand your worries because I also had a surrogate mother. Due to my own experience I know that men are changing with pregnancy. For them it is a special time when they are preparing to be fathers. They are getting more responsible and more sensitive. And surrogacy is a very complicated and hard way. It is even more difficult than just pregnancy; it is like a trial for you both. Surrogate mother is only a stranger, but you are his better half. Maybe he is just worrying about the pregnancy and that’s all and you are really a very significant person for him. And how often do you see your surrogate mother? When will be the next meeting?


  8. #7
    Essie
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    Hi.
    You know how they always talk about pregnancy hormones and the things it does to pregnant women? Well guys get them, too. It's just different. What he is thinking and feeling now may not be the same as how it was and certainly will not be the same as how it will be after the baby is born. It is a transition and his emotions may be way out of whack for a few months. You have to just deal with that and not make it worse!!! I know you are hurting, but just hang on. Your DH is not being sensitive to your feelings in the complex triangle relationship that is the intended parents and surrogate. He is doing what is correct from a "normal" point of view - caring for the woman carrying his child. But, surrogacy throws "normal" out the window. It is extremely difficult to get all the relationships and feelings right all the time. He doesn't understand or can't juggle the multiple priorities. In either case, it is hurting you. I will tell you this: Being the intended parents is not always a wonderful pregnancy experience. My DH and I both felt left out and missed the positive parts of the pregnancy experience. We had to focus on other things - getting in some activities we wouldn't be able to do after the baby was born, fixing up the nursery and house, seeing friends. Don't get freaked out by what is going on with the surrogate or your husband. Just get through it.

    As for you - no one has robbed you of your pregnancy. She is giving you the gift of a pregnancy, even if it is one you can't share in. It is a huge sacrifice for you. But the saying is, happy surrogate = happy baby = successful intended parents. During the surrogacy, the happiness of the IPs is not the important thing. The happiness of the surrogate is the thing that pays off for YOU. So, make the sacrifice now to get the reward of a healthy, happy child.

    Once the baby is born and the surrogate is out of the picture, things will change. All it takes is a few days of you being with the baby day in and day out for that baby to think of you as mom. Believe me. I hardly saw the surrogate during the pregnancy, yet within 3 days with the babies in incubators in the NICU, they already recognized us. The nurse said she could tell by the drop in heart rate that when we arrived the babies relaxed. When that little one arrives, you just love him/her with all your heart and you will always be the mom.

    Your DH may take longer to return to a happy marriage situation, because after the pregnancy, then you'll move into the exhaustion of infancy. So, again, you'll have to hold on and survive with a marriage that may be less than you want for a while. But if you set your sights on the longer term, and keep from alienating your DH, you can come back to a happy relationship in a little time. At this point, you'll have an infant to focus on and that may help. Once you get past the sleepless nights and the resulting exhaustion and tiredness, things slowly improve. I can't tell you how often I had to swallow my feelings about many things and just keep going. You can do and you can make your marriage work if you are patient and understand that these are only a few months out of your life. Focus on what you want it to be like in 2 years and make sure everything you do supports that.

    You can do it if you set your mind to it.
    -Essie
    Married to DH and ttc - 2002
    IM and officially Matched to 5 surrogates since 2007
    - 2009
    Chemical pregnancy - 2009
    Transfer - 1/24/11 BFP - 2/4/11 Twin boys born - 9/5/11
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  9. #8
    Micy1575
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    Hi girls! I am so grateful for your help and support! I understand everything you tell me, I try to understand my husband. He has a paternal instinct, may be his instinct is stronger than mine((( He continuous to live in the same way. He often ignores me, and I suffer from lack of attention. He is deeply in his own thoughts and he doesn’t let me in his world. Sometimes I think that it can't ’e true(( cause it looks like nightmare. I cannot understand how I deserve this attitude.


  10. #9
    Micy1575
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    When it was time for ultrasound, I was asked him not to go in Ukraine(( I told him that it could be economically expedient to save money for baby. Moreover manager always sends us files with ultrasound and all needed information about our baby. But my attempt failed(( He told me that we had to go cause surrogate mother might need something. We bought a very good coat for her and some cosmetics. When we were in Ukraine we had also bought a lot of fruits.


  11. #10
    Micy1575
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    I think our surrogate mother is the happiest one. My husband also gave her 300 euro! Despite the fact that managers asked us not to do it, cause they pay them a salary. But my husband has his own rules! When he is in Ukraine he is so happy, in perfect mood. Of course the most important thing is that our baby feels great. Surrogate has so charming bally) She allowed us to touch it when our baby was beating)) It was really amazing!!!


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