Hi

I was just wondering how things have worked out for you?
I am having the same situation but noticed that your post is almost 10yrs old.

Patrizia

Quote Originally Posted by jcs35 View Post
Thanks again everyone for taking the time to give me some input. I didn't reply yesterday because I had a horrible day - dropping Abby at daycare was awful, she cried and screamed for me and I had to leave her there like that. I felt like such a horrible person and Mom driving to work yesterday and then work yesterday was soooo hectic, I hate my job right now.

feeling a bit better today. DH took Abby this morning and she did much better on the dropoff. didn't shed a tear.

katrack, no I do not have to work but DH will not allow me not to work. His biggest fear when I was on maternity leave is that I would not go back to work. And I absolutely wouldn’t have if he hadn’t made me! I make more money than DH and provide all the medical and dental insurance (including coverage for SD’s braces) for the family. DH could pick those benefits up at his work although they are pretty crappy. If I stayed home with Abby, we would most likely have to move to a smaller house (and mortgage) which I am so willing to do but DH is not. He says the stepkids would resent us moving. He says we have an obligation to pay for SD's college in a few years. He likes the lifestyle we lead - nice vacations, dinners out, etc. I told him I am willing to modify our lifestyle so that I can be home with our daughter. he is not. the stepkids were also scared of me quitting work because they realize all I buy and pay for them – they were very vocal about this. the entire house would resent me if I stopped working. I believe it would mean divorce for us if I insisted on quitting. so I work and I hate it.

I have to be totally honest and say that katrack's and nicole's posts were the words I was dreading and scared of. I know that I am the adult in the equation and the stepkids didn't choose this life for themselves. I feel horrible for them that their own mother abandoned them, I can't imagine how awful it would feel, I do love them believe it or not...even if it seems like I don't like them most days. but I do like them some days too! Even with their teenage ways

I have tried throughout the years to "make it up” to my stepkids for what their mother has done to them. I even went to counseling with them. I have loved them, hugged them, cried with them, taken extra good care of them, taken them on special fun days, celebrated holiday after holiday with them, taken them to the doctor when they needed it, taken care of them when sick, run out many, many late nights to get last needed items for school, wrote countless checks for lunch money or one school activity after another. I take them school shopping every single year and let them go hog wild, cook them dinner almost every night, make sure to buy them their favorite cereal and snacks at the grocery store, make sure their needs are taken care of, talk to their dad for them when he is being stubborn about something, kiss and hug them goodnight, help them with homework, etc. etc. etc. And there are only a few times I have introduced them or clarified them as my stepkids otherwise I have introduced them as my children. I recently submitted a drawing from my SD for a calendar contest at work. Her picture is featured in the month of September… it states her name and the “daughter of Julie”…not stepdaughter, just daughter.

I do love them.

I do not love them the same way I love Abby. I just don’t. And I feel bad about that.

I honestly feel that throughout the years I have done everything I can for my stepkids. And I still do what I can for them maybe not to the same extent because I have a 10 month baby who now needs a lot of my attention. I guess I am struggling because I just want to be a little selfish and give some devoted, uninterrupted time to Abby. I feel guilty that Abby does not have a "normal" life. That she has these much older siblings who do not have the same mother as her. I feel bad that Abby has to share her mother’s time and attention with other kids. I feel bad that she has to be my 2nd daughter because of my relationship with SD. I am so torn. I am resentful that on my days off when I get to have some real quality time with the baby that I have to spend part of my day taking care of other kids as well.

Let's just face it, I am wishing for a life I do not have. I am tired, overworked, overstressed, and wracked with guilt for leaving my baby every morning and wracked with guilt for then not wanting to share her when I do get her to myself. I am wracked with guilt for feeling like my stepkids are intruders when it comes to Abby. I am wracked with guilt for wishing they would just move back to their mother’s so that I can give my baby a “normal” life. I am wracked with guilt because I live over 1,000 miles away from my parents and they don't get to see their one and only grandchild as much as they should.

Deep down, I really feel like I am an evil person for having all these feelings towards my stepkids. I am scared that I don't deserve the beautiful baby I have because I just can't seem to do anything right these days. I know I need to have more faith in Abby’s love for me and that she won’t love SD or any other woman more than me no matter what. I tell myself that but I am still so afraid that if SD spends more time with Abby then Abby won’t want me anymore. I am afraid that if Abby gets too attached to SD that when SD moves out in 3 years that Abby herself will feel abandoned at a very young age.

Nothing will ever change the fact that I am not my stepkids’ real mother. But because I loved DH and chose to marry him, I now am responsible to be a mother to them and to try to make up for another woman's neglect and abandonment. And as much as I have tried, I have failed.

My close friends and family know me as a kind, loving, giving, and good person. When I have tried to talk to a few friends or family about the stepkids they all tell me I have gone above and beyond what anyone else would have done in my shoes. I have been told over and over that if I never did a single thing for them again that I have done enough. Literally that is what I have been told. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. DH often tells the stepkids that they should be so thankful they have me in their lives because I talked him into letting them do one thing or another. My SD had a trip planned to visit DH’s brother and family in California this summer but she made bad grades and he didn’t think she should be allowed to go. I talked him into letting her go. DH didn’t want SD to go to her friend’s party on New Year’s Eve and I talked him into letting her go. The bad part is that lately my motivation is to let them do things out of the house so that I can be alone with my baby.

After all my ramblings… I think it comes down to these questions…

Is it okay to love my own biological child more than my stepkids?
And if it’s okay to love my baby more, is it okay to treat her differently than my stepkids?
Doesn’t my baby deserve to be special on her own? Is it my responsibility and no one else’s responsibility to make my stepkids feel special too?
Why am I expected to sacrifice for my stepkids as I would for my own child possibly to the detriment of my baby?

Is it possible to love my baby more than my stepkids but still love them in my own way and still have a normal, loving family?

Should I feel guilty that my parents have a trust fund set up for my daughter and not my stepkids? What do you say to my 15 year old SD that asked my mother over the Christmas holiday if she could inherit my parents’ family estate. The answer is no because it has been in our family 100 years and it will eventually go to Abby who is a blood relative. Do you tell her that? Is it okay to wear my baby’s birthstone in my ears but not have any desire to wear the stepkids birthstone (I don’t even know what their birthstones are?).

The stepkids are special in their own way. They have grandparents and relatives and a half-brother and half-sister on the EO’s side that they will never have to share with my baby. Unfortunately the EO’s parents and relatives also do not have any contact with my stepkids. So they don’t even get to experience that. And yet another abandonment falls on my shoulders and my family tries to make up for it all.

I just don’t know how to resolve all this. I know I feel like a Stepford wife most days going through the motions. The only time I feel truly happy is when I have my baby in my arms.

julie