FertileThoughts.com - Infertility, adoption, pregnancy and parenting discussions
Accusations....

Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Dislikes Dislikes:  0
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    BC-MAV
    has no status.
    Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB
    Over 5,000 Post BC-MAV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    way down yonder ...
    Posts
    33,887
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    49

    Accusations....

    New topic here. DH accuses me of something almost every day. It can be major or minor. I am always having to explain myself or defend myself. Older DS does this too and I know part is his ADHD and he is sensitive and doesn't say anything till much later and by then the whole thing is overblown and exaggerated... DH is wearing at my psyhce that's already down and well DS had the ADHD and is in his own world so I just try my best to explain and be overly kind.

    Sunday we were swimming in the pool relaxing and a minor leak sprung in the cabana faucet pipe and DH put the doors open and told me to call a plumber Monday. At some point one of the boys was likely looking for a watergun or Nerfblast in the cabinets and they closed up the cabinet where the leaky pipe was. DH looks at me in says in an angry tone "WHY did you close the cabinet?" I told him not to just assume that I did it because I did not and I told him one of the boys probaby did it. That was one accusation over a frickin cabinet door!

    Sunday night DH went into a tirade right before bed about everything, me not being there, me not being loving, etc... I apologized for being the way I am and said I am doing everything I can to help myself and I am trying. So I am all worked up at bedtime and can't sleep. That was a major accusation on DH part. I wish he could have waited till some other time.

    Monday afternoon Dh gets home from work and older DS is upset and I'm not sure why and DH is asking me what happenned and what did I do? DH looks at me and assumes that I dragged DS around doing errands and grocery shopping on his day off from school which I did not. DH immediately assumes that I have not been sensitive to DS, not done what DS wanted on his school holiday and he assumes that's why DS is upset. I had to explain what we did on his holiday and defend myself. So major accusation once more!

    On DS holiday I did take him to the Dr. in the am because I didn't want to do a Dr. appt. during school or after school and have him miss his afterschool activities on Monda and Wednesay... Lego Fun & Fitness Fun. DS gets a small toy from the Drs. toy chest and I asked DS if he wanted to go to the bookstore and get a book after his Dr. appt as he loves these Rick Ricotta books they have in his class. He didn't want to. I asked if he wanted to get a toy at the toy store and no answer. I suggested getting some lunch wherever he wanted... Mcd's or Wendy's... but he didn't say anything so I made him lunch at home. DS did get a friend to come over late afternoon to play Wii and air hockey and they had great fun and DS watched his fave cartoons, got to do his Lego mindstormers, and got to swim and play in the yard. So it was a nice day I thought.

    DS wanted to go to the amusment park with rides further away from our house but it's not open during the week and even if it was we needed to be near home if the plumber came. Of course the visit to the new playground with cool equipment for ages up to 12 was cut short by the plumbers call that they were already at the house. And yes I did need to use his computer to check my email and mail from his school but it was maybe 1 hour in the am while he was watching tv. So perhaps DS just focused on these and not the good fun things.

    DH accuses me of not being sensitive to DS needs, as he has ADHD. He says I should not have scheduled a Dr. appoint for DS on a holiday, should have gotten the plumber to come on Tuesday and not Monday (DS holiday from school), and he looks at me like what was I doing on the computer for 3 hours (it was 1 hour to check mail but DS says it was 3 hours from 8 am to 11am) and I should have let DS do whatever he wanted. I again had to explain and defend myself to DH. I later find out DS was upset because he feels like he just didn't get to do what he wanted.... again this is overblown because I asked all day what he wanted to do and made suggestions and plans.

    I am getting so tired of this. I try my best and I just get accusations. I never accuse DH of anything nor do I accuse DS of anything. Certain things are beyond his control and DH and I just do stuff for him beause he can't get organize or remember because of the ADHD.

    Anyone have any ideas or suggetions? And thanks for letting me sound off.
    MAV Mom to

    B (17)
    A (12)

    (4/99) (4/05)


  2. Advertisement


  3. #2
    OurFirst
    has no status.
    Registered User
    OurFirst's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Mississippi
    Posts
    1,721
    Post Thanks / Like
    Sorry that you are going throught this. I have no advice to give...my H does similar thing to me..accusing.
    (((HUGS)))))

    Jen


  4. #3
    BC-MAV
    has no status.
    Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB
    Over 5,000 Post
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    way down yonder ...
    Posts
    33,887
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    49
    Thanks... at least I'm not alone. I thought I'd question DH in an accusatory way so he would know what it feels like.... what's it's like when you are doing nothing wrong.

    Younger DS was screaming in the laundry room after dinner I assume because he didn't want to get dressed for bed. (we have their clothes in a dresser in the laundry room which is large). I said to DH when I heard younger DS screaming "What are you doing?" I really wasn't concerend because younger DS often screams when it is bedtime or he has to come in from playing for dinner or whatever. It is typical 4 year old behavior.

    I just wanted to see if DH could feel how it is when you are accused or questioned and you aren't doing anything wrong. I think he got the point as he asked me the same exact question with older DS when he was fussing over something.....
    MAV Mom to

    B (17)
    A (12)

    (4/99) (4/05)


  5. #4
    OurFirst
    has no status.
    Registered User
    OurFirst's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Mississippi
    Posts
    1,721
    Post Thanks / Like
    Sometimes...if H mis places something...esp. his precious hunting stuff..he will say where did you put it. I ask why do you assume I put somewhere. He will say well I put right here and it should still be there. I am like...then it should be. I told him I mess with your stuff. You can not convince him otherwise either. He does this all the time..I have brought it up to him before, but it does no good.

    Hopefully your dh will get the message and stop all that accusing.

    Jenn


  6. #5
    angeleyes2blue
    has no status.
    Registered User
    angeleyes2blue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    AZ
    Posts
    686
    Post Thanks / Like
    my husband is very critical as well and it can be overwhelming. i found all my answers and happiness by reading the book Real Love by Greg Baer. He has a site reallove.com that has changed my life.
    Me 28 & DH 30 Married 8/8/02
    Mom to Trey - 11/29/07
    My Family Blog


  7. #6
    BC-MAV
    has no status.
    Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB
    Over 5,000 Post
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    way down yonder ...
    Posts
    33,887
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    49
    DH isn't critical. It must be a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing because DH does the same thing you said Jenn... often can not find his shoes, his phone, his whatever, and he immediately assumes I have put it someplace!!! I am the organizer but I don't touch his stuff and I know where he puts his shoes, his phone, etc... and I know where to find them when he has lost them. (his pockets, the car, a book shelf, etc...)

    Thanks for the book recommendation. You must really like it if it changed your life. Or did you do other things like counseling as well? Thanks again!
    MAV Mom to

    B (17)
    A (12)

    (4/99) (4/05)


  8. #7
    angeleyes2blue
    has no status.
    Registered User
    angeleyes2blue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    AZ
    Posts
    686
    Post Thanks / Like
    Sounds like he is always acting like a victim. Like people should cater to him and like he shouldn't accept responsibility for his own actions. Is that correct?

    I used to laugh at my DH when he would ask those questions: "where's my belt/shoes/shirt" and say, "well, last time i wore them i put them ____". He stopped asking. I wasn't offended or angry that he asked me, I just responded calmly.

    I have been to 2 individual counselors for depression and my husband and I have gone through 3 couples/marriage counselors as well as a program for sex addicts and nothing has worked as well as that book. I literally went from suicidal despair to a happy, fulfilled person after following its principles. Even though my husband still acts like a victim, is critical, narcissistic, passive aggressive and a sex addict, I can love him. In a different, more unconditional way. And I feel loved. It worked miracles for me. It sounds like a commercial, but it's true.
    Me 28 & DH 30 Married 8/8/02
    Mom to Trey - 11/29/07
    My Family Blog


  9. #8
    BC-MAV
    has no status.
    Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB
    Over 5,000 Post BC-MAV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    way down yonder ...
    Posts
    33,887
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    49
    DH is a self employed businessman and together we own commercial property and he manages it, does the book keeping and meets with the accountant, visits the sites, talks to the contractors, meets with lawyers if there is a dispute, etc.... even though he has a friend that manages the properties. He likes being an active part rather than just leaving the managing soley up to his friend who is the manager.

    So to reiterate he is not a victim, definintely not the type of person who needs people to cater to him and he always assumes responsability for his actions. I mean you can't really do all that and be successfully self employed. He is a type A personality that has a need for control, I assume from his upbringing as a child of an alcoholic parent. So when things don't go as planned or how he'd like them to he does get angry. But then again when things don't go I as would like I get upset and cry. He has apologized several times about how sorry he was that he got angry over the suitcase thing. I think he was just nervous that we were brining too much luggage for a short trip. But really I had one suit case, one book bag with light fluffy pillows, and my purse... that was it!
    MAV Mom to

    B (17)
    A (12)

    (4/99) (4/05)


  10. #9
    flagirl
    has no status.
    Registered User
    Over 5,000 Post
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    7,306
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    5
    Wow - why the heck should you have to make a kids day off from school be a day at disney world? Dh has no right to tell you how to run your day. So what if you Ds was bored? He is a kid - he can go find his toys and entertain himself. I think you were a very nice mom and did lots of fun things with him. His dad is teaching him bad things. Like to expect Mom to be at his beck and call and entertain him at all times. You have the patience of a saint to put up with those types of things from Dh.
    Tina

    Two precious girls -
    Anna (4/25/03) and Natalie (12/10/05).


  11. #10
    BC-MAV
    has no status.
    Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB
    Over 5,000 Post BC-MAV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    way down yonder ...
    Posts
    33,887
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    49
    DH is not teaching DS bad things. DH makes mistakes like we all do. Yes, he gets angry at times and he shouldn't but I do things too. DH is putting up with a lot from me as I am suffering from depression and anxiety so I think the way I am is affecting him and the kids in some way. I think DH's anger gets worse because I am emotionally a mess and not all there. He grocery shops, he cooks, and he takes care of the kids. I do the same but he does more than most DH's.

    I do see a Dr. and a counselor and am on meds. I think my state of mind makes me have little patience, don't enjoy things as much, and I am more sensitive to when DH says negative things or even when the kids say things like they are bored or they are not gonna listen to me.

    I think DH's anger just comes out at times because he is as frustrated as I am. I feel like I am not getting better and have already been through a list of meds that I could not take because of serious side effects so I am left with old standby RX that helps but things are not great.

    DH does realize holidays can't always be fun for the whole day long and kids need their hair cut, need to go to the dentist, or need to go shopping for shoes, etc... DS often says he is bored and not just on holidays... he is almost 9... and if he doesn't get to do what he wanted or things don't go as planned... DS often says my day was ruined... or he gets all pouty. I am more sensitive and take this to heart when I shouldn't because a kid is a kid and they say these things even when they have activities planned and tons of toys.

    DH has been pretty patient with me as the depression/anxiety has been on an off for the past 8 years and failry mild. In the past 3 years since we bought this house and decided not to renovate our flooded gutted house the depression has been worse. WE talk a lot so we do communicate. I think that's important. And since Moms usually do the unfun stuff... like Dr. appointments, homework, and it's been a battle with DS, I told DH it would be better if he could take on some of the "unfun" things so it wouldn't always be "mean Mom", kwim?

    Thanks for listening. Sorry this turned into a long post. If someone wants to start another post that's fine.
    MAV Mom to

    B (17)
    A (12)

    (4/99) (4/05)


Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
DISCLAIMER: Fertile Thoughts allows advertisers to publish information about their services. Fertile Thoughts does not provide medical advice or endorse any particular service or approach to treating infertility. We encourage people to learn as much as possible about the range of options available before committing to any one. We also encourage users to share their thoughts on all fertility options on our forums.

Forum Stats

  • Forum Members: 97,617
  • Total Threads: 352,308
  • Total Posts: 4,534,780
There are 195 users currently browsing forums.

Advertisement

Visit Our Partner Sites: Fertility Treatments