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caught my dh cheating-what to do :((

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  1. #1
    krider
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    caught my dh cheating-what to do :((

    Hi All
    I have been married for 18 years. About a month ago my DH started going to a bar after work a few times. Didn't think much of it till just the other day said he was going to bar again. We have been arguing alot lately and have not had much sex due to his ED from diabetes and hypertension. Kids have been horrible with fighting with one another and i spend a lot of time telling them to stop hitting and stuff and when dh comes home he gets in the mix.
    so anyway, i suspected something was funny because he came home from the bar he was all nice and stuff and kissing me. Then I went up and counted
    his levitra tabs(used for ed) and there were some missing. I certainly didn't have sex with him so what did he take them for!!
    then he is gettnig undressed and i saw something white on his shirt that was tucked in his pants. i asked him what it was and he told me it was salad
    dressing. I said it couldnt have been because your dressing was orange.
    then later that evening i suspected he was up to something so i protended to go to bed then snuck downstairs and he was texting someone. I asked what he was doing and he defensively said"nothing". I said let me see your phone and he was like know. then i finnaly got the phone and he had been texting this woman. one thing it said was that he or she would just like to hold you and protect you. well i flipped out. i told him to get out and all the angry stuff that goes along with it. he was claiming it was just someone to talk to an hold hands with and i said then fine...i will meet her tomorrow. he texted her that i would meet with them tomorrow and she texted back that "are you kidding" so i called her because i got her number off the verizon.com site and told her no it is not a joke see you tomorrow. well of course tomorrow came and she was nowhere in site. he came out to the car and said that she left.
    i told him he needed counseling but i am not sure that would work because you betrayed our trust and crossed the line.
    he did call a counselor so i thought we were on our way to recover when i caught him texting her the very next night on a prepaid cell phone that she supposedly bought for him. he refused to give me the phone then finally did. there was a message on there that said love ya. I said what the heck is that and he was like i love all my friends and I was like well you only tell them when you are drunk.
    anyway i threw him out of the bedrrom and took the phone and smashed it. that next mornig he texted her and wrote her an email that he can no longetr communicate with her and that his family was more important. don't you know the very next night she texted him "sweet dreams". i flipped and said to stop communicating with her. then she called him and he answered the phone right in front of my daughter and i heard him in the other room and he said "me too" and yeah, tomorrow. I asked him about it and he said he told her he could call her tomorrow because she was crying and he wanted to get her off the phone. I am so confused because I have spent over half my life with him and i am not sure if he is telling the truth or not. he actually took 1/2 day off work last week telling me he had a work meeting then he told me later that he went to the movies with her.
    Again i am not sure what to do or believe. We are meeting with a counselor on wednesday and i hope she can give me some kind of direction to go.
    how can he hurt me and potetially our kids 10 and 4. Should I even give him the chance for us to reconcile?
    Very very hurt, upset and confused


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  3. #2
    BC-NanceLee
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    Oh girl, I am so sorry. First off, I have been there and I know the devastation. Secondly, he is in denial now and you cannot expect him to shape up and change his brain and do the right thing - you just can't. HE just can't. He needs to see you SERIOUSLY will not live with a man you cannot respect. You need to separate, now. He needs to be the one to move out. And YOU need to let go of the need to control what happens next. Yes, at first he will probably spend time with her. Let him. Do not get involved in it - but at the same time, keep him out of not just your bedroom, but your home and your LIFE. Let him go spend 100% of his time exploring this "freedom" he thinks he wants. Nine times out of ten, the guy will realize he has made a major mistake. When he starts to realize it, he can start to change - but HE has to realize totally on his own with no help or encouragement from you. If he comes back out of guilt or manipulation, it is not a victory, and it will not last.

    BEEN THERE. This sucks. What you can do for you while he is gone is take good care of your health; eat right, sleep regular hours, pray, meditate, exercise, whatever you do to get centered and in touch with your spirit. You not only can survive this, you BOTH can come out of it as better, stronger, healthier individuals with closer connections to your higher power. You also can come out with a stronger, healthier marriage. BUT that comes later. First, each one has to go down their own path. Let go - it is SOOO hard but SOOO critical.

    PM me anytime. FYI, it was three years ago for us. It started September of 2005 and we were reconciled May of 2006. We are so strong and close now. And now, with hindsight, I am even grateful for it because of what we both learned, together and apart. I never thought I would be able to say that, but it is true.

    (((((((hugs)))))))

    NL
    If you have any questions about your fertility treatment or doctor, the Patient Care Advocates may be able to help.

    Me fifty-freakin' eight! DH 38, Max 25, Cole 20
    The only choice in life is love vs. fear. I choose love. ALWAYS.

    Change is inevitable, growth is intentional. - Unknown


  4. #3
    MT_firegirl
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    I was there as well. Unfortunately, my ending did not come in the same fashion as NL's. Mine cheated many many years ago and after intense counseling, time, etc, I forgave him, moved on. Then it happened again. And again, And again. I kept forgiving, giving him space, he spent time away, I spent time away and things were just never the same. His "guilt" over his indiscretions kept him constantly accusing me of his crimes. Even when I could absolutely verify that YES, I WAS really at work! His constant "guilt" finally led to him walking away while attempting to hide behind the military to do it. After 14 years of marriage. My divorce is final Feb 17th, 2009. He was my whole life too. He was all I had ever known and I won't lie and say for a second that it is easy, because its not. Not even close. I have someone else in my life now and even now, its not easy. I don't have children with my soon-to-be-ex husband, so obviously my situation is not as complicated as yours, but it still hurts.

    My counselor tells me that it lessens with time, and I keep waiing for that, but not yet. This other woman knows that your husband is married. She's a piece o'crap for continuing to pursue him and until she stops, you really are at a disadvantage because you're mad at him and she only wants to "take care" of him. I can see where this could backfire because he'll go running to the nearest "stress-free" port in a storm. Get YOURSELF and your children into counseling as soon as possible. Counselors are a great tool and can often help you sort out things you didn't even see in your own life.

    Sending you big hugs and a mean right hook (intended for the other woman for continuing to pursue your husband) if you want it.


    P.S....There was a Dr.Phil show or something on tv not too long ago in the background and the one thing that stood out to me was "When regaining trust, you have to be transparent" That means, no more secretive phone calls, no prepaid phones, no unexplained disappearances....Your husband must be willing to be open, honest and completely forthwith while you work to forgive him.
    Kelcey and James
    Whitefish, Montana
    TTC #1 for 14 years
    my two teensy angels
    2008

    "Life is not defined by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away"


  5. #4
    krider
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    i know but

    Thanks for you support and awesome suggestions. I thought we were being honest with one another and then i found that prepaid phone he was texting on. i was willing to forgive and forget...and then another setback. We have been revealing a lot of stuff that we should have been talkiing about over the past year when this alienation started happening. I think that is good, but the trust thing. Today I called his cell phone using *69 and then whispered..."can you talk" He answered with a whisper hello. Then when I questioned him on it he flipped out and said don't do this. I thought we were communicating. Now i am so confused is he just saying this to shut me up or is he sincere. Then he took a spaz and wouldn't talk with me. So because I am so afraid of loosing everything I appoligized. I know I shouldn't have, but out kids were right there and I am tired of arguing in front of the kids. My daughter is aware that we yell alot and she has even asked me several times if we were getting a divorce. She feels the stress too. I feel that I have to take control of the kids so that they don't upset my dh. That is wrong too. My son is adopted and I don't think my dh has ever accepted him as a son. My dh is an only son and his parents don't speak to him and they only live a mile away. They have never seen our son. I think that my dh has issues there too. His father cheated on his mother when we were first dating. They did reconcile. When I was really angry with my dh I told him to go back to his parents because he is just like his father. A big cheater(and some other choice words). We have our first counceling this wednesday...if he goes. If not, then that is the truth that he doesn't want to reconcile and then i can make plans to move on. Another problem is that I make twice as much money as he does and i do not want to have to pay him alimony. See..I am already predicting a fall out. We already make plans to go away in a few weeks without the kids. My mom offered to watch them. I was gonna go just to try to communicate with him but it is kinda hard when I don't believe him. He was my best friend. (. I feel like kicking him out, but don't think i have the authority to do so and I am not uprouting the kids to move to my mom's. I don't want her knowing because I am so embarrased. How could I have let this happen. I was in control of this whole family. Keeping it together, food shopping, making kids md appts, paying the bills, cleaning, laundry, etc.
    You guys are the best for all this support you are giving me.
    Oh, by the way, i blocked the number of his friend from ever reaching his line again. I also found out her name and her husband's name and address and phone number. I am seriously thinking about calling her husband and telling him. And she is a piece of crap knowing and still pursuing.
    thanks


  6. #5
    BC-NanceLee
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    Any promise he makes now is not a promise he is able to keep. If it isn't her it will be someone else. It is SO tempting to blame the other woman - there is even a psychological term for it it is so common. It is called triangulation, where BOTH the married parties put the blame on the third person to take the pressure off themselves and each other.

    Fact is, your husband is in a bad place internally. This is his crap, from childhood very likely, coupled with years of lousy coping skills and avoidance techniques. The stuff he stopped talking with you about (or never did) eventually got to be too much to carry inside so this affair is serving as a pressure valve to let some steam escape. Honestly, she could be ANYONE. SHE MEANS NOTHING.

    You do have the right to kick him out - don't do anything legal yet but hell, he is sleeping with someone else and that is a flagrant violation of your marriage sacrament. He has lost his right to live as a father and husband right now.

    The timeline on this is not a week or two, even a month or two. Do your very very best to release expectations, to not try and predict the future or control it. I know what I am asking you to do is very, very hard and actually feels impossible. ((hugs))

    If it helps you, read my blog - first go to page 6 and read the second entry (a book!), then to page 5 and read the entry at the top. It chronicles our journey through this.

    Take care. Breathe. Trust your soul and spirit on this - it WILL get you through.
    If you have any questions about your fertility treatment or doctor, the Patient Care Advocates may be able to help.

    Me fifty-freakin' eight! DH 38, Max 25, Cole 20
    The only choice in life is love vs. fear. I choose love. ALWAYS.

    Change is inevitable, growth is intentional. - Unknown


  7. #6
    CrystalAZ
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    It depends. I respect NL and know about her situation, but honestly Vini is a young guy and I think a lot of his issue was figuring out who he is and what he wants out of his life.

    A guy who has been married 18 years and has children with you is a different situation in my book. Yeh, he might be having a "midlife crisis", but after 18 years, you've been through so much together, and the fact that he is STILL doing things that show you that he thinks the marriage is worth throwing away says something about HIM.

    I would go through with the counseling and I would tell your DH that if you see one more text or if you hear one more phone call with her, you are done and he is gone. Don't yell this or say it during an argument - say it calmly and look into his eyes and mean it. Tell him he has no more chances to prove what is important to him and that's it.

    Then, if he does something else, follow through with it. Kick his ass to the curb. That is the only way he will know you are serious. What happens after that, who knows. But even if you end up divorced and paying alimony (which I highly doubt, esp. if you have main custody of the kids), that is better than living with a man who doesn't respect you and who you constantly have to worry about.

    Crystal


  8. #7
    MT_firegirl
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    I definitely agree with Crystal about not yelling.

    The most powerful and EMpowering moments you can experience are moments where you are able to convey your exact meaning and get your point of view heard. This can't happen if yelling is going on unfortunately. Write down what you expect of him, how you're feeling, what you want, etc and then refer back to it if you must as you speak with him. You have every right to be angry, hurt, whatever you are feeling. If he is truly repeating patterns of learned behavior from his childhood, then he will definitley benefit from counseling. Best of luck to you both in your journey, wherever the path may lead you.
    Kelcey and James
    Whitefish, Montana
    TTC #1 for 14 years
    my two teensy angels
    2008

    "Life is not defined by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away"


  9. #8
    krider
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    you guys are so supportive and I can't thank you enough. I did tell him that this was it and I meant it. I find one more thing and believe me I will be looking. I can't drive myself crazy though. I have a life to live too.
    Right now I just feel numb and I have no feelings for anything except my kids. They need me and I need them. I told my sister and 1 coworker, but am too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone else. Besides, noone understands unless you've been there. We have several couple friends and i said to him what would you think if our friends knew. He is also a softball coach and i said what would your daughter's teamate parents think. What the heck. He said he would change, but he flipped when I secretly called him this evening and i just had this overwhelming feeling that he isn't going to change. He still screamed at me and shut me out until I appeased him and said I was sorry. He is expecting too much for me. I guess he thinks that if he says he is sorry, then that is enough. Does't he realize how much he has hurt me.. Seems to me he doesn't really care.
    I will see how this evening goes, then the next then the counselor. Oh by the way, did I tell you guys he want to a bar last saturday afternoon while i went horseback riding with my daughter and took my son to my sister's because he supposedly was going to the softball warehouse to sort out the equipment. That was the 1st lie i caught him in because the guy he was supposed to be with emailed him and told him thanks for dropping off the equipment. so when i questioned him he was like "i went to the bar and didn't want to hear any of your sht like how i spend money or go out drinking". I said I wouldn't have mind, but you didn't have to lie to me. So now every time he is short with me I think he is lying and he probably is. I think I will call this girl's husband just to let him know what is going on. It is not fair to him. Or should I not.


  10. #9
    CrystalAZ
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    If it would make you feel better, go for it. She's earned it. Just don't fall into the trap of blaming HER. HE is the one that made a vow to you to be faithful. Not her. HE is the one you should direct your anger at. And if he thinks an "I'm sorry" is going to erase all the pain he caused, he is not only selfish but incredibly emotionally immature too.

    Crystal


  11. #10
    krider
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    ok...reading over the verizon bill, I found her work number. Part of me wants to call and scream at her and then another part wants me to ask her what is going on between the 2 of them and if they plan on taking this to another level. I don't want to waste any more time or emotions if they were planning to stay together and here i am the fool.
    I will think about it some more. I am still shaking.


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