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Infertility and Separation

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  1. #1
    WannaBdaddy
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    Infertility and Separation

    I was curious if there are any others out here who have had infertility battles, are presently separated from the one they love the most, wanting to resolve their marriage issues and make there marriage into something so wonderful and to one day have that family of their dreams?


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  3. #2
    Ruth41
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    Sorry it took so long for me to see your post. I'm separated from DH and going through IVF alone right now. I think IF pushed him over the edge, but we had issues to begin with. We're still trying to work things out, but I don't have much hope. I'm lining up DS since DH doesn't want to be involved now. He filed for separation the week I started IVF - no warning.


  4. #3
    WannaBdaddy
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    If you two are communicating and trying to make things work then by all means keep giving it your best. I long for the day when my DW will converse with me too. It must indeed be a challenge when he doesn't seem to be that committed to starting a family, but it sounds that there is some ray of hope. I will keep you in my prayers.

    We've gone through some rough patches much like any other couple. However, I do see things differently now and know that I personally, and us together, could've done things differently and worked harder at our marriage. I know we both desperately want a family of our own. I'm still hanging onto fading hope that she will grant me the opportunity to work with her on our marriage and some day have that family we long for together. It's painful feeling cast aside by someone that still carries your heart.


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    Ruth41
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    I could have written your words, "it's painful feeling cast aside by someone that still carries your heart". That's how I feel. For us, money is a big issue. I have not worked in 3 years due to 6 failed pregnancies and DH doesn't feel that all the money he's made in those 3 years should be "ours". He wants me to sign a post-nup and I won't. I'm actually offended. I feel I've been a totally committed partner to him. In order to get me to sign, he's refused to take part in IVF....something he knows is important to me (and HE has the morph issues!). Anyway, I refused to be strong-armed and realized he doesn't understand what love is. Not much hope for reconsciliation here, but I'm still praying.

    Communication is one thing. It's important. But you need to start out with someone who has similar values or all the communication in the world won't make it work. I thought DH and I were on the same page. Once the money started rolling in, I found out pretty quickly that I was not nearly as important to him. Very sad, but a better lesson for me to learn at 42, than at 52.

    I hope things work out for you and DW.
    Last edited by Ruth41; 08-01-2006 at 11:42 PM.


  6. #5
    Anira
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    Hi

    We have IF issues...and we have been separated since December. We still talk and communicate, but I think we both "lost it" somewhere along the way, when our obsessive need to have a child surpassed us trying to make our marriage work!

    I still love him though...more than anything in the entire world.
    Anira (31) & DH Vijay (31) Furbaby - 3 year old German Shepherd - Rocket
    IVF #1 - November 2004: BFP m/c 25 Jan 05 @ 11weeks 2 days
    FET #1 - September 2005: BFN
    Ya-Ya Sister Forever
    With God's Love & Light, I WILL SURVIVE!
    "Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


  7. #6
    WannaBdaddy
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    Anira,

    Sorry for such an incredibly late response. I feel for you, I really do. I love my DW SO MUCH!!! I've given a year of my life to the hopes, prayers of reconciliation, marriage rebirth and hopes that my DW will once again give me that final chance to be in her life. She and I have been through an incredibly rough time in our lives and I blame myself for so much of it. I've grown and changed so much over this time and yet, she won't let me in to prove myself to her and win back her heart. She won't allow me into her life even as a friend right now. My world is crashing around me, the joys of parenthood and the life that we can share between us, all seem so out of reach to me. All she has to do is give me that chance, a chance to love her all over again. I see her in a terrible place and wish that God would grant me the opportunity to save her. The past is the past. We must all love and live for tomorrow. I pray every night that she can remember what we once had and not give up on me for I am an entirely new man. God be with you all.


  8. #7
    BC-NanceLee
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    Hi Anira ((hugs)). Ruth, I didn't know; I am so sorry.

    WannaBDaddy - You sound like an eloquent version of my husband. He wouldn't write about this but he could have written what you did. The difference is, somehow even in the worst of it last year, when we were physically and emotionally separated and he was pushing me to start divorce proceedings so he could "start over", I just felt my spirit saying "this isn't done yet; go slow or better yet, don't move at all." So I focused on taking care of myself, pampering myself with hot baths, tea, evenings with good girlfriends talking and talking, regular sleep and nightly meditations. I asked for peace for us, whether separate or together, just peace. I prayed for it with my whole heart. I prayed to stay on my own side of the net, to not try to fix him or change his mind or manipulate the situation in any way. I worked so hard on forgiveness - it was up and down and harder than anything I had ever done. But with time and loving detachment, it turned. He came back to our city, and eventually when I felt ready, back to our home. The baby of our own? Still a dream. But we both know now that our marriage is not something we are willing to throw over while we search that dream out. It will come within the context of our relationship or it won't come at all.

    I will pray for you and your wife. If you have the energy, I would love it if you would pray for our child-to-be to make its way to us, somehow, some way.

    NL

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  9. #8
    WannaBdaddy
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    Thank you. And yes, I will say a little prayer for you as well. A friend told me, you may know the person you marry, but you never know the person you divorce. I'm learning this to be so true. I've done so much work on myself this past year and fought tooth and nail the best I could alone at trying to save our marriage, but after a year or nothing from her, I have no other options but to get on with my life and divorce her. I've regretfully filed papers, but there is nothing more that can be done when someone completely shuts down on you and won't say one word to you as a fellow human being after 12 years together. One would think after choosing to move out and not communicate that she would've ended things a long time ago rather than forcing me to do so. I find it extremely sad this place she's in and feel while I've grown she has completely gone the other way. I guess I wish there were still some way to salvage this marriage, but I don't think she's capable nor do I believe that I could truly be happy again with her. So much time has passed by that it only leaves one with extreme doubt. I wish she was still in my life, at the very least, as a friend, someone I could talk to, but she's not. I wish you well and may God grant you all your dreams a reality.


  10. #9
    Ruth41
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    WannaBDaddy,

    I just had to respond to your post. I am the other side of your equation. I'm the wife feeling the way you do. I am now pg after a grueling round of IVF and now my DH doesn't want the baby and wants a divorce. He's shut down just like your wife and actually has been for some time. I thought the baby would snap him out of it. I've just found out recently that he's been seeing someone else, although I think it's been mostly lunches and dinners and not much more, but still it hurts. It also accounts for why he's stayed so emotionally detached from me. I think there's alot of guilt there and rather than deal with it and do the right thing, he's pushing us to divorce. Like your wife, he won't do the work, he seems to be regressing instead of growing and he won't file for divorce even though his actions say he wants out. I've kept holding on and it's a very dissatisfying relationship. All this after knowning him for 24 years and being married for 8. It's tough.

    I write to you to remind you that there are women out there who have or are going through what you are and there is life after your wife - life after divorce. While it's hard letting go, you'll probably find someone who really appreciates you and wants the same things. Someone who can give it to you and maybe even give you the family you want It's hard but sometimes letting go is the right thing to do. It allows someone else to come into your life. It won't be the same as what you had with your wife, but maybe it will even be better. I have to remind myself of these things from time to time too.

    I give you credit for filing for divorce. It was the healthy thing to do. You can't hold onto something when your partner isn't trying as hard as you are. Our therapist recently dismissed us saying, "any marriage can work if both people want it to. No marriage will work if only one person is trying". Sounds like you and I are in the same boat. I doubt we are alone. I wish you lots of luck finding your better half! You sound like a great guy. I'm sure it will happen for you.

    Ruth


  11. #10
    momagaintwice
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    I had a friend tell me to look at myself before I point fingers at another . I am at the opposite end of the scale - married to someone who acted a jerk in my opinion) and pretends to be the good guy. I think everyone should acknowledge they have a place in the wrong doings of a marriage. I think it's good you moved on as it seems the right thing to do. Don't worry so much about why she didn't file as it is your own self healing that you did. All that stuff doesn't matter in the end - what matters is that you weren't right for one another and you found out in due time.


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