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I have a problem with jealousy, please help!

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  1. #1
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    I have a problem with jealousy, please help!

    Well ok first things first, a little about me, I'm 20 and a male guess the main reason I get so **** jealous is because about my past 3 girlfriends had cheated on me, 2 that I know of for sure and 1 that im pretty **** sure. I read the other post about jealousy and someone said something about abandonment, my mother left when I was about 6 and I have no relathionship with her, I hate her. Now I guess I could tell you some things about this girl, first we are not on the boyfriend/girlfriend level, altho I wish it was lol. She is 24, and we have really only been talking for about 2 months now? if that. but I mean everything is just clicking perfect, i am really really into her, but the problem is I have a hard time telling her that cause im not good at stuff like that lol and I dont think she knows how much I feel for her. anyway thats has nothing to do with the jealousy problem. Anyway I really like this girl and I'd hate for me being jealous to keep us from being together. I have no idea how to deal with this, I mean this is like a extreme case of jealousy lol, it has been since my last g/f. only way I know to deal with this is when I get home beat the living **** out of my punching bag or a wall or a door or anything to inflict pain onto myself (which is not good) I really hope someone can help me with this. Thank you for reading my rambling post.

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  3. #2
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    Jealousy is not a good thing. I was in several relationships where my bfs cheated on me. One of the men I dated a second time around and he cheated again. I also was not an angel. Once I found out my bf (now ex) was cheating on me, I started seeing other guys. I have never had a male role model in my life. My father left when I was 3 months old so I never saw what a real, loving relationship was like. Unfortunately, there are a lot of cheaters out there these days. Our country is about self gratification. You are also still in your early twenties and I don't know too may people your age who want to settle down quite just yet. Being cheated on hurts and it's a hard thing to shake off.

    I used to be very jealous of every woman that talked to my bfs. It was low self esteem and I thought every man cheated. Not everyone cheats. One day you will find someone who will not do that to you. I am very lucky to have found my husband and he is the most wonderful man I know. It wasn't easy at first. I was still carrying that jealous baggage when we first started dating. He told me it had to stop or the relationship wouldn't make it. I had to sit down and really evaluate what was going on. I knew I had to let go of the baggage and take things day by day. The jealousy went away eventually and I completely trust my husband and he trusts me also.

    I think you need to take things slow with this girl. You are falling to quickly and sometimes that makes you not see things for what they really are. I would suggest some counseling since your jealousy has become quite physical. What is going to stop you from punching a gf in a jealous rage? Think you will never do it? I didn't think so either but it happened to me.

    When you let go of the jealousy, you will be freed and feel a lot better.

  4. #3
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    You have to remember that you can NEVER control what someone else does. If someone is going to cheat on you, no amount of monitoring, worrying, spying, or general freaking out will stop it. All it takes is a few minutes for someone to cheat.

    AND - badgering or accusing someone will only create a distance between the two of you, making cheating more likely.

    So to go back to the beginning of the post, you can't control someone else. Only yourself. You have to know you can deal with whatever is thrown at you. If someone WERE to cheat, wouldn't you rather know that so you can move on to the next person?

    There are some things you can do to minimize the chances. Instead of letting emotion carry you away, use logic. What kind of morality does this person seem to have? Talk and find out what she thinks about cheating, if she's experienced it, if her parents had a good relationship, etc.

    How impulsive or selfish is she? People who cheat are generally people who put little thought into the consequences of their actions. Does she shop to the detriment of her financial position? Does she backstab friends? Does she talk a lot about what SHE wants? Does she make decisions quickly then regret them?

    Because you have admitted that you are jealous, falling for this girl, and get enraged when angry, it seems you are a very passionate and feeling person. That can be a great thing, but it can also scare people away. You can't control your emotions, but you can control the outward expression of them.

    Two months is a short time. I would slow down on letting this girl know how you feel. I mean, definitely show your interest and let her know you want to see her, but it is too early for the "L" word or for getting serious. Just focus on getting to know her MIND, so you can figure out if you feel she is ready to be faithful. The rest will work itself out.


  5. #4
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    First of all, give yourself a huge pat on the back for coming to a forum to talk about this stuff. You see potential reasons for your reactions, a history you don't like and are proactively trying to change the way you relate to women. Good for you!

    Counseling would be ideal. If that takes awhile to set up or you are not sure yet you want to go that route, buy the book Fearless Loving (it's in paperback, not expensive) and take yourself on an individual "counseling" journey. It is an easy read and really helps you see how you and you alone control the amount and quality of love in your life. It also gives practical ways of releasing yourself from past influences you now recognize as harmful to your present and future life.

    You rock. Best of luck with everything,

    If you have any questions about your fertility treatment or doctor, the Patient Care Advocates may be able to help.

    Me fifty-freakin' eight! DH 38, Max 25, Cole 20
    The only choice in life is love vs. fear. I choose love. ALWAYS.

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