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Never thought I'd be doing this...(long)

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  1. #1
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    Never thought I'd be doing this...(long)

    I just found this bb and glad I did. I've been wanting to post my "vent" or "confession" or whatever you want to call it somewhere, but the other bb's just didn't seem like the place. This is really hard for me b/c I'm a pretty private person when it comes to my most inner personal life, but here goes.

    DH and I have started going to counseling. It was actually his idea, he found the counselor, he made the appt. It seems that after almost 12 yrs of being together, 9 of that being married, that we just can't seem to communicate and we just keep going over the same 'ol problems over and over with no resolution. According to him the problems I have with him are because I'm at home all the time with the boys and I'm not out working and around other people like I use to before getting pg. Sorry to say he is dead wrong, I wish it were all in my head.

    Our problems started when we started doing our 2nd DFET. To me it just seemed that he was going through the motions to please me. Then, when we did get pg, with triplets no less, things just went down hill from there. I know he was scared and mourning the life we use to have, and so was I at times but I was so looking forward to our family. He didn't understand why a HOM pg was so hard, no different than being pg with one....ya right. Yes, I will admit that my hormones were running rampid, but all I really needed was for him to be there for me after he got off work. I couldn't do much of anything per Dr. orders, but DH always seemed to have other things and people to see...in my opinion I was now coming in last when I should be first. He has always made friends easily, but it seemed that now they're always women, some of them I know others I don't. He would talk to them on the phone, but never when he was at home. Needless to say red flags where going up for me (btdt before). There's much more to this, but the jist I keep trying to get across to him is that it just isn't right or proper for him to be calling other women, friends or otherwise, since he is a married man, and it's not right or proper of them to be calling him. Yes there have been rumors of him having an affair, but I haven't been able to find any proof, a lot of what could be plausible conicidences, but no concrete proof, and trust me I'm very sneaky and would make a good PI. He has denied it time and time again, and believe me I've come at him from every angle. To him it's as if I'm telling him who he can and can't have as friends, he's missing the whole point. I do have to say that DH is the most giving man I know when someone calls and needs help with something (well except for me it seems as of late) and I adore that about him, but I have also grown to hate it simply because he can never say NO and gets used a lot especially by his own family.

    On top of all this our sex life took a real hit when I got pg and then afterwards when sheer exhaustion took over, then I had a hysterectomy and am just now back to my old self. He wonders why I've been having problems going to sleep at night, heck I wondered for a while, but I know why...I can't shut my brain off from all this ****, the what ifs, the doubt, wondering if he's lying and playing me for the biggest fool of all. I'm going to try a sleep aid tonight and see if it helps.

    Anyway, we've had two sessions so far and I didn't hesistate to say I have trust issues with him which lead into the discussion all the phone calls, etc., etc., etc., etc. Well, each of those sessions where spent trying to get DH to understand his conception of "marital boundaries" sucks. And, although he won't admit it yet, it's been apparent in both sessions that "it is not all in my head because of being home now" as was his first comments to the counselor. Another problem he has is admitting when I'm right, he absolutely hates it when I'm right (which in all honesty is 90% of the time). I know I'm not perfect by any means and can definitely use work on my communication skills because obviously what I'm doing currently isn't working. I do tend to hold things inside until I can't stand it anymore, but recently I just put it out there and let the chips fall where they may, I guess I should have done that a long time ago. Okay I'm rambling sorry I just needed to get it out to someone, somewhere. I know he loves me and the boys and he's afraid of losing us. He also knows that if he did cheat on me it's over (forgiveness is not one of my strong suits.

    Our insurance covers up to 50 visits per year...I'm guessing we'll need them all! Thanks for reading/listening.
    Theresa 42 / Dh 34 IVF#1 - 12/01 cancelled
    DFET#1 - 12/02 (3,4,7 cell & 1 blast)BFN
    Diff. DFET#2 - tf 10/22 (two 8 & two 10 cell) BFP
    1st beta 12dpt 499 / 2nd beta 14dpt 1392.93
    Noah, Ian, & Garrett born 4/30/04 @ 29.5d - I'm a mommy at last!


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  3. #2
    BC-NanceLee
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    Hey, hon. It's kinda quiet over here so, don't worry if you don't get 500 hits like you would on GP!

    I am SO glad you are in counseling - with 48 covered sessions to go! And I completely hear you when you say that, now that you have put it all out there, he is finally taking it seriously. I read somewhere - Mars and Venus (John Gray) I think - that men are like rubber bands in their attempts at intimacy - they come close/draw apart/come close/draw apart. They expect women to be the same way. But women are like an ocean wave, building and building towards intimacy, trying and trying, reaching and reaching. But if our needs are not met, there comes a point where we cannot draw on any more reserves of deep water, and we break on the shore. Wave SPENT - done.

    When my ex finally took me seriously was after 9 1/2 years of marriage and 2 years prior to that, one year after I first turned him down due to my concerns about his drinking. He "quit", we married, and it inexorably went downhill after I became pregnant with Max. We argued, talked; I begged him. We went to counseling; he lied through the whole thing. I asked him for a separation so we could figure out what was best for us; he refused. It took me flat out telling him I was divorcing him - then all of a sudden he took it seriously. Went to CD treatment, counseling for real, the whole nine yards. But it was, as Carol King sang, "too late, baby" - for me, not only had the fire burned down, the pilot light was OUT. I felt betrayed. He had looked me in the eye and sworn that "If it is between alcohol and you, I choose you."

    He admitted several years after the divorce that had he listened to me and separated a year or two sooner, he thought we might have salvaged it. And we might have.

    You don't need validation of your feelings; you sound well-attuned to your needs and to the situation. I am glad you found a place to dump it for awhile, and hope that you don't end up needing all remaining 48 sessions after all. Stay in touch.

    NL
    If you have any questions about your fertility treatment or doctor, the Patient Care Advocates may be able to help.

    Me fifty-freakin' eight! DH 38, Max 25, Cole 20
    The only choice in life is love vs. fear. I choose love. ALWAYS.

    Change is inevitable, growth is intentional. - Unknown


  4. #3
    3boys2luv
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    You've both taken a big step in realizing that you need someone to show you some new tips on communicating. The fact that your DH set it all up is a sign of how committed he is to you and your family - even if he's not been very good at showing it recently.

    Personally, I think men don't adapt to big changes as well as women often do. He was used to you doing so much, working, then came treatment, then bedrest, NICU, hormones affect the best of us, three boys to love and sleepless nights.....it's a lot of change and maybe he's worried he hasn't accomplished it as well as you have (hence the not admitting he might be wrong).

    I think you are both going to be fine. It's going to be work, yes. But you are both willing to put in the work - and that's the biggest predictor of success.

    Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens.






  5. #4
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    Thank you both for your responses and words of encouragement. I do think we will find a way to work it all out, but I also think it will take some time. I saw this saying on something the other day and had to laugh because it summed up the way I feel lately towards DH....

    I love you more today than yesterday....
    Yesterday you pissed me off!
    Theresa 42 / Dh 34 IVF#1 - 12/01 cancelled
    DFET#1 - 12/02 (3,4,7 cell & 1 blast)BFN
    Diff. DFET#2 - tf 10/22 (two 8 & two 10 cell) BFP
    1st beta 12dpt 499 / 2nd beta 14dpt 1392.93
    Noah, Ian, & Garrett born 4/30/04 @ 29.5d - I'm a mommy at last!


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    lrmc
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    Theresa,
    Big Hug.

    My DH and I were where you are several months ago. Counseling helped but we still have a ways to go. Things are not perfect but they are much better.

    One book our counselor suggested was "The Five Love Languages". This did help some with our communication problems.

    Hugs
    Lisa


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