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Anyone else dealing with ED?

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  1. #1
    med
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    Anyone else dealing with ED?

    I tried a few weeks back to see if anyone was interested in an ED thread. I know I could use the company to laugh/cry/vent about how ED is interfering with our family building dreams.

    Our story: You can see from my signature where we are in IF treatment. Our ED is delayed ejaculation, sometimes referred to as retarded ejaculation R.E.D., it sometimes occurs in men who grew up in strict religious environments (which DH did) and currently, we have not found any ED medication that helps. We have seen a sex therapist, but we're taking a break bc of finances (and DH needed an emotional rest). He did mention interest in seeing a spirtual-based therapist, and at this point, I'm letting him be the guide. This whole ED stuff does cause a great deal of stress/confusion/anger/sadness and two years ago we didn't think our marriage would survive. We spent a year in couples counseling and worked very hard to be at a point where we could talk about this for what it is, in my opinion, a disease. Anyway, if you are alsovdealing with ED, then I know you can relate to the added stress of BMSing, which DH and really haven't been able to, um, complete.

    Wow, that isn't easy stuff to share, but I love tomeet others who understand the additional emotional rollar coaster involved with ED and IF!
    ME(34) DH(45)
    MoM to b/b twins born 8.10.07
    TTC: 4+ yrs (ED,LPD, LAP(FIBROID)6/05,HSG 7/06="UNDX IF")IUI#1-#6 all BFN
    IVF#1:BFP
    FET #1 BFN...I have had it with IF TX!


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  3. #2
    zog
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    Hi Med...(it's me zog)
    I finally figured out where this group was. As you know we have ED so I'd love to have a group about this since others cannot relate at all. My dh can't hold an erection to finish while having intercourse. He can if I do oral, and sometimes he has lost it then, so we need to figure out what is going on. He has seen a dr. about it long ago, who gave him some excersises to do in bed to help him. One was to just lay close together, but not do anything sexual etc...it never worked. The Dr. did say it was mind over matter. My dh said he never had a problem when he was in his 20's and with more girls. The relationships were not emotionally involved, so he could be anyone he wanted in bed. Things have soured since we've been together so long. Actually, I started to notice something wrong right away...I think even the 1st time we had sex he lost his erection and I was pissed!!! Viagra worked for the one time we did it, but the sex lasted WAY too long.
    Anyway...I have a bunch more to share, but don't want to bore anyone. We have a certain way to have sex, and it is NOT any fun for me. I go down, then he takes over with his hand I I jump on at the end to catch the swimmers. OUCH....I know...no forplay for me. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE! I would give anything for a guy that can do a "quickie" or just a guy that was all over me.
    zog


  4. #3
    med
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    Zog: I found out on our honeymoon!!! DH and I have only had one successful to the end both of us walk away happy moments(a little skeptical that it really happened for him) in 5 YEARS of Marriage. The sex therapist had us doing brething exercises and the couples therapist had us doing sensual things like, massage. I even bought a sex how-to tape and books (DH is a HUGE reader) NOTHING!!!! I can't bring myself to see the Forty Year-Old Virgin movie bc I MARRIED IT!!! Only I didn't know that until after we married (now you know why we needed therapy)! I feel like this is just one in a series of broken dreams...can;t even get the stress relieve of sex and now DH has NO drive at all, which makes manual satisfaction oh so fun(bc as you and I both know-there are other ways to satisfy, I'd be content with that!). The only thing we having going is that when we do attempt(averages less than once a month), I tend to get relief easily, but that's only when we can get things in fast enough....we have short lived erections and I still don't think DH knows what an orgasm is. HOW SAD Is THAT! How can we not take this personally? Somedays I think if I were just more sexually aggressive or something. I am so sick of trying to be patient and drop no pressure hints (for performace purposes) and go to sleep frustrated and stressed, I so get your quickie comment, GOD that would be sooooo great, anything!
    ME(34) DH(45)
    MoM to b/b twins born 8.10.07
    TTC: 4+ yrs (ED,LPD, LAP(FIBROID)6/05,HSG 7/06="UNDX IF")IUI#1-#6 all BFN
    IVF#1:BFP
    FET #1 BFN...I have had it with IF TX!


  5. #4
    zog
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    Ok..ok...so I think I just jinxed myself. I THOUGHT we had a ,at least, gotton some what of a routine down when I O, but lst night almost was a bust. We got in bed and I had to do my thing...well...after about 30 min!!(YES MY JAW WON"T OPEN) he went limp. So now I'm pissed because we have to bd. And then the thoughts start entering my head, and I get really pissed off down there. How can a man go limp with his manhood in someones mouth? (I guess we are safe here to talk very openly about this) So we take a break. Then I start thinking if it is just being lazy. sometimes I'm not in the mood, but when I mentally prepare it helps. Well, we start again, and this time it worked...fwew! I was a good hour or so from when we started, so again give me someone who can perform a quickie.
    zog


  6. #5
    med
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    If I had a dime for the number of times I got my hopes up and and that happened I'd be onto IVF number four by now!!! I'm trying to talk DH into manually working it for himself first, since that is never an issue for him-not even under pressure at the RE's, and then do the quick get it in routine right b4-trying new things is hard for him (no punn intended) (gee, thanks MIL and FIL for all that "lustful thoughts is a sin and you'll burn in hell" crap!!!!!) The shower seems to be a hopeful beginning spot for us, somehow all the added noises and water and such helps distract his mind...I so wish there were a magical pill, it's really wearing when you can't excite your DH! I don't know what's worse trying and trying and always failing or not trying at all? I'm just tired of always having to be the one to ask for an attempt of sex, or not even that, intimacy....

    You know, he is just about perfect in all other aspects of our marriage. He totally takes on his share of household chores, brings me coffee in bed every morning, supports my switching careers and going back to school, attends RE'sappointments and brings me chocolate ice cream when we get a BFN, I seriously could go on and on. I often feelguilty about getting so frustrated over all this, I mean if it were an accident that made him unable to perform or something like that. But when sex isn't working, it seems so invasive...someone once tried relating to me bc their DH had performance anxiety for a few months...try years and then we'll talk(sorry, that'snot fair to anyone who has delt with this no matter how short-lived, just venting here). I am so glad that we can vent to each other, it just sucks that this is what we need to vent about!!!!
    ME(34) DH(45)
    MoM to b/b twins born 8.10.07
    TTC: 4+ yrs (ED,LPD, LAP(FIBROID)6/05,HSG 7/06="UNDX IF")IUI#1-#6 all BFN
    IVF#1:BFP
    FET #1 BFN...I have had it with IF TX!


  7. #6
    zog
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    My dh has no trouble on his own either. I've even found him on the computer w/ pants down a few times. NICE!
    He too is a great hubbie, and i married him because he is always willing to work out problems, and communictes well. We almost have role reversal. I feel like the horny man all the time, and he wants to talk about the marriage and bond. I had his testosterone tested which was fine, so now he is starting to work out which will help his self esteme.
    Is there anyone else out there with this prob???
    please join...zog


  8. #7
    med
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    Unfortunately, **** doesn't even work for DH, cause if it did-hey, whatever it takes-AS LONG AS, I'm there with himto reep the benefits!!! Our sex therapist did mention to me that alot of it had to do with his respect and love for me, that psychologically, he learned lust was bad and to refrain from it with me is how much he respects me?!? It made sense when he explained it, maybe that's why the internet worked for your DH...bc he doesn't love/respect the women? Doesn't help I know, but kind of a twisted compliment...This has definitly started to affect DH's self esteem, I mean how could it not?

    I agree, all others that are dealing with ED please join us. I think this would be a great support place for all of us!!!!
    ME(34) DH(45)
    MoM to b/b twins born 8.10.07
    TTC: 4+ yrs (ED,LPD, LAP(FIBROID)6/05,HSG 7/06="UNDX IF")IUI#1-#6 all BFN
    IVF#1:BFP
    FET #1 BFN...I have had it with IF TX!


  9. #8
    med
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    Okay Zog- I feel like I should say something positive about DH, bc there are obviously other things that are keeping us a strong couple.So anyway, I emailed him in Africa about the BFN, trying to stay more positive so as not to add stress to his travel situation. And he emailed me back the sweetest letter about not stopping to try but also seriously starting the adoption process AND then he said he talked to his collegues that are there with him and that he could come home if I needed him to. He also said his heart was breaking with me. Awwwww...I knew I loved this guy!
    ME(34) DH(45)
    MoM to b/b twins born 8.10.07
    TTC: 4+ yrs (ED,LPD, LAP(FIBROID)6/05,HSG 7/06="UNDX IF")IUI#1-#6 all BFN
    IVF#1:BFP
    FET #1 BFN...I have had it with IF TX!


  10. #9
    dancing lilly
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    sorry if im intruding!

    I was just wondering Zog you mentioned Viagra but have you tried any other drugs? We were given samples for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. Apparently they all work the same but can affect people differently. Cialis is the winner here. Viagra gives Dh a headache (the one on his shoulders!lol!) and Levitra makes IT last WAY TOO LONG ending with us not finishing (kind of defeats the purpose). Anyway, sorry to barge in. I understand how ED can be a huge disapointment.


    dancing lilly


  11. #10
    zog
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    Lilly....you are absolutely not intruding! We are just trying to cope, and the more the merrier. We have not tried the other pills other than viagra. I will ask him what he thinks. He is not in the best of shape, I worry about him taking any drugs, for fear his heart wouldn't take it. Since he joined the gym, he seems to be feeling better. He was sick all last week, so no gym, but he's started some anti-anxiety/depression drug, so maybe that will help in a few weeks. (although some say those meds have the opposite effect)
    Med...I feel I am always bashing my dh too. I think because of all the stress, I just keep finding more and more things that bug me about him. When I'm not pumped with these hormones I feel better. His core being is what i love, I just need to get past the stupid stuff like when he doesn't cut his nails, put the toilet seat down, change the cat litter, put cold groceries away etc...
    Lily....has the drug solved the problem?
    zog


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