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marriage in trouble - help

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  1. #1
    mcarrington
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    marriage in trouble - help

    Hi - this seems like a good place to find some support.

    I need some help with DH wanting us to split up over IF. We've been thru 3 IVF's and now have been given 20% chance if we try IVF again because of the testicular dysfunction. He wants me to know that I can leave if I want to so I can be happy. Well, I won't be happy w/o him. We are stuck! We're unhappy now because of all this - it's tense and painful in our house.

    Here are our options: adoption (he doesn't want it), donor (he doesn't want that either), he can go back to the doctor to see if there is anything else to be done and try IVF again (he's tired of all that - haven't they tried everything?).

    I know it's not his fault but he's giving up on options and I don't know what to do. I have this tremendous amount of guilt that I'm unhappy because of something he can't give me - this makes no sense.

    The bottom line is, he doesn't have enough love in his heart for ANY child and it just kills me that we don't have anymore options.

    CAN ANYONE HELP??
    Melanie


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  3. #2
    Lauren2005
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    Melanie,

    I'm so sorry to hear about this... rest assure that it's not uncommon. My first suggestion is to take some serious time off from ttc. Just focus on your love for DH and his contributions to your life that don't relate to babies. Second, please cut and paste your quotation onto new threads on the:

    general infertility
    in-between treatment

    bulletin boards. Those are much more frequently visited than this one, and you will get tons of responses right away.

    You are right in sensing that the first change needs to come from you, because you are (not unfairly) feeling deprived of something real and important to you. If he has trouble making a baby, and refuses to consider adoption or donor anything, then you are (at least temporarily) stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's why I'm suggesting putting all this aside at least for a while, and easing up on the pressure that he feels. Just love the guy. The answer is in your own post -- you won't be happy without him. So spend some time just being happy with him, and see where it goes.

    That's my best effort toward answering your question. Seriously, post on the other two boards I mentioned. The ladies there will be soooo helpful.

    Best wishes to you and DH.


  4. #3
    mcarrington
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    Thank you!

    Lauren,
    Thank you so much - that was a wonderful response. I will take your suggestion and post on the other two sites. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and it hurts so much. You won't believe this but a therapist told me the exact same thing you did (and I didn't have to pay you a lot of money!). My fear of working on the relationship is that he will think I'm ready to live child free and all is well when it's not. I told him about taking a break from ttc and he said, "where does that leave us? We're in the same situation in 3 mos. that we're in now"

    I know this isn't his fault; I just want him to be more open to other options and his option is to split up.

    Thank you again,
    Melanie


  5. #4
    momto3angels
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    loss mentioned briefly

    Melanie~

    I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time in your relationship right now. Infertility is stressful on a marriage.

    We have severe male factor infertility (azeospermic due to involuntary vasectomy) and can only get pg with ICSI/IVF. We had a really tough go of things and at one point, we took a break from TTC. We took our first vacation together, just DH and me, in over 3 years, and it did wonders for our relationship. It didn't take away our pain of infertility, our pain of losing our triplets to prematurity, our frustration at not having any living children or our differences on what to do going forward with our "options" but it did help us reconnect as husband and wife. As a man and a woman who love each other. For those 2 weeks, we weren't 2 people manipulating hormones, giving shots, grieving all we have lost (with our triplets, with our "fertility" with not having living children)...we were 2 people alone together, exploring life and each other again. It was the start of a much needed mental, physical and emotional reprive.

    That being said, the need to plow forward with the goals, dreams, hopes of having children in your life can become a strong need. When you disagree on what your next step should be (trying again, persuing adoption, living child-free), the stress is only intensified. We struggled deeply with the issues of donor sperm (I could do it, dh couldn't) adoption (I wanted to do it, dh wasn't ready to explore that option) living child-free (neither of us wanted to do it, but we both didnt' want to face the disappointment of another failed cycle). But, reconnecting as husband and wife helped us work through these issues and get back on the same page.

    I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. It's a sucky journey, infertility, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I wish you the very best of luck.

    And, I wish you peace~
    April
    Mom to angels: Hannah, Ryan and Abby. 10/24-10/28/03.
    Earth Angels: Joey b 5/08/05 and Laura b 5/26/07
    ==
    A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment, Its glory and beauty belong to our world…But then it flies on again, And though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it.


  6. #5
    mcarrington
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    April,
    Thank you so much for those inspiring words - I am so sorry for your losses; my heart goes out to you for the pain you must be feeling.

    I would love to go on a vacation but with our jobs it's too difficult right now. Besides, I don't know how to not think about IF and the future with DH. We are truely at different crossroads on this and I don't want to give in that easy - if it means keeping him I will live child-free but I can't live like we are now - silent, tense, etc. He is so disconnected right now it's like he does not want to be around me. It's almost like he's trying to make himself not like me (that's strange, I know). We still talk about some things but I can tell he's dealing with a lot.

    I guess we're going through a mourning period - but it feels worse than a death you can eventually accept.

    Thank you again, I really appreciate you sharing your story.

    melanie


  7. #6
    pumpkinisland
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    Hi,

    My DH and I have been through the same thing. We have been TTC for 6 1/2 years, and it sure beats a relationship to the ground. We were no longer having fun together and he was always in a rotten mood, well so was I...we decided to take a break and just learn to be with each other again and enjoy each others company...not having Dr's tell us to be intimate was a big thing as well. It just became about us instead of all the pressures of TTC.
    Stepping back was hard, but I love my husband and couldn't imagine my life without him, so it was worth it.
    Today we are happier than we ever have been. I love him more all the time, and we are going to start TTC again very soon.
    I am happy with our decision and I know that this time we will be stronger together.
    Hope this helps!


  8. #7
    hoping&hoping
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    My DH and I have been TTC for 12 years. We've been through this 100 times. We had a failed adoption that was the best thing that ever happened to us. We were so set on getting this baby but it didn't work out. Once he had his hopes up as high as I did, only to have them crushed he eagerly suggested DS. It was a tough decision. He never wanted to discuss it in the past but I am assuming that the failed adoption changed his mind.

    He doesn't like to talk about the DS. He didn't even choose the donor. He wanted nothing to do with it. So.... I made the decision. We've been through DIUI 3 times. Nothing yet but it will work.


  9. #8
    mcarrington
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    thank you both

    thank you both so much for your replies - I was surprised it was still being read. We are doing better - nothing has been mentioned in 2 months. We are connected again - it's not so tense in the house anymore. He's a little bit back to normal; joking around, picking on me out of love, etc. One thing I've noticed though is he hasn't said 'i love you' but i haven't said it either.

    He does not want adoption at all and the reply I got from the idea of a donor was "I just don't want a baby that isn't me". In a way I don't blame him - I don't want a baby that isn't him either but I can accept it because I want a baby that bad and he doesn't.

    Our doctor said that he needed to see his urologist and try a medication that will increase sperm count, mot, and morph for us to have the greatest chance at IVF again. That is like taking a giant step back after coming so far!! Not only do I have to get him to agree to IVF again; now I have to get him to take another med!!!! Maybe we will do IVF one more time, I don't know. I'm about ready to give up at this point. I've been thinking about the 'childfree' lifestyle and I don't have panic attacks anymore. I teach 4th grade and I have so many needy students that don't get enough attention or that need special education and it makes me think that childfree may not be so bad after all.

    I have to get over the guilt I feel that DH has done all that he can do for me and now it's my turn to let it go (these were his words). I go back and forth from being mad, angry, accepting, guilty, everything - I just know I feel so much better knowing that I have my DH back.

    Thanks for listening.....
    Melanie


  10. #9
    Elann
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    I am sorry that you had to go through all this but i am glad that things are going better for you. I hope you both come to a resolution that both of you can live with.


  11. #10
    jacqw
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    another thought

    My dh and I have gone through the ups and downs too. At one point, I was seriously considering abandoning IF treatment and just adopting. My dh was not too thrilled about it, but when I started involving him in looking at adoption materials and on the internet....pictures of kids....orphanages...etc....something clicked with him...and now he is more open to it. we are still struggling along with IF treatment...but at least I know that adoption is an option. I thought I would pass my experience on to you...


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