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Newbie, hi!...made the decision i'll be childless, feeling upset...

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  1. #1
    SuzyQ2015
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    Newbie, hi!...made the decision i'll be childless, feeling upset...

    hi guys, im new on here, my name is Vicky and i live near london in UK.
    i am single, 42 and childless and am coming to terms with the reality i will be childless. it hurts.
    i had a miscarriage in 2011 and my BF left me 2 weeks after as i had a breakdown cos he was totally selfish and unsupportive and he 'couldnt cope' with my instability. its been a rocky road since then but im getting there, just struggling to come to terms with the reality of not having kids.
    i conceived on clomid before, and in the last three years i have had barely a handful of periods. it turns out i have a very thin womb lining, so even if i did conceive, its unlikely the foetus would 'stick'. i have a best male friend who is willing to help me get pregnant but i couldnt cope with another miscarriage and feel if i pursued this, well, it just feels like hard work, desperate and im not sure i have the emotional, mental or physical energy. then there's the risks of being over 40. i wouldnt want a disabled child.
    im just looking for some women to identify with me and a little support. oh, i should mention, i have thought about fostering/adopting but that would have to be in the future as my mental health record over the last few years looks bad on paper! - two attempted overdoses, diagnosed with anxiety and depression and on 25mg diazepam(valium) a day.
    i know that sounds really bad, but im a really nice, caring, creative woman; ive a degree in fine art and i also love animals. both of these things are what keep me going in a way;all i ever wanted was to settle down, get married, have kids...John Lennon once said 'Life happens when you are making other plans.' its a *****!!...
    i am the youngest of four children, and they all are married with kids. sometimes i feel like a freak, sometimes i feel less of a woman, a failure.
    Also, and does anyone else get this - i cant watch TV shows about pregnancy, when my miscarriage is on my mind and im in town seeing the mums with their toddlers, it really hurts, and i think of what couldve been. Often, i find myself in the childrens/baby sections in the supermarket and i have to make a hasty exit; even that hurts!!
    On the bright side, i have a wonderful dog, a Basset hound whom i got as a rescue dog after my miscarriage; sometimes it feels like she rescued me, she's wonderful! My intention is to move to a part of Wales where houses are cheap and id either like to open a small b&b or a small animal sanctuary, when i get my inheritance and there's my drawing, im really good at drawing animals and people, so its good i have some goals and interests, even though sometimes i cant be bothered and i just want to stay in bed!
    thankyou for reading, there is one question - AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING!!?????.....
    when i first lost the baby i was hell-bent on getting pregnant, i was desperate, i even slept around for a few months just to try and get preggers.
    like ive said, i do have a friend willing but 70% of me is feeling 'NO'. im worried i will live to regret this decision, but it just feels like hard work and what will be will be, and i dont think i am meant to have kids.
    i still have one round of clomid left too!! lol...
    god im confused, i await your replies eagerly, HELP!!

    Vicky


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  3. #2
    Tiffani_Muessig
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    Hi Vicky,

    I'm so sorry for all you have been through. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. As you can see from my signature, I have also been through the ringer in attempting to conceive. I think that if your friend is willing and your doctors give you a fair shot of conceiving, it might be worth a shot. There are medications that can increase the lining of your uterus (various estrogen supplements) but you should definitly talk to your doctor to have them help you decide which one to try. I do think that if you truly come to the decision to live child free, that you should embrase it and move to Wales and do all the things that you mentioned. Those things sound fabulous!

    I would also seriously consider going to counseling, if you aren't already, to try to work through this issue of determining whether or not to try once more or live child free. I wouldn't jump into either decision hastily before speaking with someone who can help you sort out your feelings.

    Best of luck to you!
    Tiffani
    Me--31-->Very low AMH (0.3) and do not ovulate on own
    DH--38-->no known issues (great count, motility, etc)

    TTC 5 years
    1 chemical
    1 m/c @ 8 weeks 1 day
    3 Failed IUIs
    First IVF Cycle: Febrary 2014
    Result: Chemical

    First FET Cycle: May 2014
    Result: BFN

    Chemical: September 2014

    Chemical: December 2014

    Chemical: July 2015
    Likes Yellow Rose, hokiegrad2001 liked this post


  4. #3
    SuzyQ2015
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiffani_Muessig View Post
    Hi Vicky,

    I'm so sorry for all you have been through. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. As you can see from my signature, I have also been through the ringer in attempting to conceive. I think that if your friend is willing and your doctors give you a fair shot of conceiving, it might be worth a shot. There are medications that can increase the lining of your uterus (various estrogen supplements) but you should definitly talk to your doctor to have them help you decide which one to try. I do think that if you truly come to the decision to live child free, that you should embrase it and move to Wales and do all the things that you mentioned. Those things sound fabulous!

    I would also seriously consider going to counseling, if you aren't already, to try to work through this issue of determining whether or not to try once more or live child free. I wouldn't jump into either decision hastily before speaking with someone who can help you sort out your feelings.

    Best of luck to you!
    Tiffani
    thankyou for your reply
    good advice
    the problem I have with conceiving is that I'm not sure if I am mentally prepared to look after a baby. I've also been on diazepam for three years which means I have an addiction to it (it is more addictive than heroin!) and it takes months to taper off the drug and i dont really want to stop taking it as i get panic attacks;not nice. So, the baby would be born addicted too.
    I think to have a baby with these current issues would be terribly selfish on my part.
    I think Ive kind of made my decision to live child-free, just felt i needed some support and others opinion on my decision.
    Where do you live hun, are you UK?
    thanks again,
    Vickyx


  5. #4
    Tiffani_Muessig
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    I am in US. You are right. Some anxiety medication can be extremely addictive. Sometimes in life we have to make hard choices and it sounds as though you have made yours. It shows strength in character to make a decision like that. Tell me about your bed and breakfast idea! That sounds so cool!
    Me--31-->Very low AMH (0.3) and do not ovulate on own
    DH--38-->no known issues (great count, motility, etc)

    TTC 5 years
    1 chemical
    1 m/c @ 8 weeks 1 day
    3 Failed IUIs
    First IVF Cycle: Febrary 2014
    Result: Chemical

    First FET Cycle: May 2014
    Result: BFN

    Chemical: September 2014

    Chemical: December 2014

    Chemical: July 2015


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