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  1. #1
    Asiamaato2
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    Need Opinions

    Hi all- I just wanted to get some opinions out there. We had my niece and nephews B'nai Mitzvah this past weekend in Illinois. It was a wonderful time for all;however, my sister chose not to have a cake and candle lighting ceremony. She had mentioned this to me back in October and I told her my feelings were that she should do it. It's a tradition in my opinion. Her reasoning not to do it was that she felt it is always a boring part of the party when people sit around and watch others light candles. To me the event just doesn't seem complete without it. What are your opinions?
    Karla-Mom to Sarah from China and Jade from Cambodia


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  3. #2
    Natalie Rose
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    I am 40 and went to literally dozens of B'nai Mitzvahs in 1977 - 1979. I had never once experienced a candle lighting ceremony in those years. I went to my cousin's Bat Mitzvah in 1989 and it was the first time I had ever seen a candle lighting ceremony.

    My opinion is that it was hurtful and exclusionary. I don't mean to say that they are all like that because this was my one and only experience with it and my cousin can be hurtful and exclusionary. But as a general rule I would never allow it because there is no way to include everyone in the ceremony and I think it makes people feel badly that they made the effort and expense to come to somebody's B'nai Mitzvah and weren't "important enough" to light a candle.

    I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I'm opposed to it.

    On the other hand, I would LOVE if someone could tell me how this ceremony could be done in a different way -- any ideas?
    There is no path to peace - peace is the path ~ Mahatma Gandhi


  4. #3
    Asiamaato2
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    No need to be sorry, I asked for all opinions. I am 43 and have been to many Bar and Bat Mitzvahs as well. Funny thing is, all of them had the candle lighting ceremony . My niece was a Bat Mitzvah 2 yrs ago. We have such a large family. What she did to include cousins, aunts uncles etc... was to invite them all up in groups.
    Karla-Mom to Sarah from China and Jade from Cambodia


  5. #4
    Natalie Rose
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    Thanks asiamaa. I witnessed the group thing but it just seemed like there were lots of kids who were left out and looked hurt. I know that I tend to be a bit overly concerned in that area but I just would never be able to sanction this ceremony with my DD unless I knew she would include everyone. Maybe that's the solution.
    There is no path to peace - peace is the path ~ Mahatma Gandhi


  6. #5
    larasmom
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    it is a big tradition here in maryland


  7. #6
    jenstl
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    I have never heard of it or seen it!
    ?
    jenstl...an AHM
    mommy to e,d and r

    To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson


  8. #7
    AmyP
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    It was big in the 60s - I think I remember my brother had something similar for his kids 10 years ago. I don't think there is any religious significance - so I guess it's something a family can choose or not - depending on whether you feel like extending the ceremonial feel to the reception, or if you just consider that a time to party!
    Amy

    Mom to Mia
    born Guatemala 4/2/2000
    home to Boston 7/5/2001


  9. #8
    Sharon
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    Never heard of it. But all the bar mitzvas I have been to were either in Israel or in the US for Israeli families. Definitely an American cultural, not a religious tradition.
    Nov. 2, 2002 - Jordan Born
    Dec 19, 2002 - May 23, 2003 raising fabulous baby Jordan in Antigua
    May23, 2003 - Jordan home

    2006 Waiting to fost-adopt


  10. #9
    Littlechum
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    That seems to be the new tradition over the past 10 years or so. I think that if you don't get called up to light a candle, it sucks. If you do get called up, it's nice. I wouldn't want any guests to feel like the celebration sucks, but I do like the tradition. Therefore, I prefer big groups and include everyone in attendance.


  11. #10
    cooroo
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    I go to LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of BMs. Here's the scoop on the candlelighting ceremony. It was actually the brain child of a caterer in New Jersey not that many years ago! And it caught on like wildfire.

    I agree that it's kinda exclusionary. It's one of those things that people think is "tradition" but they don't know what it's about or where it came from. In fact, people have even said that it dates back 1000s of years, which totally cracks me up!

    I'd be happy for the kid to get up with the mic and just say a very nice thankyou to everyone for coming and supporting them.

    xo-coo
    ttc: 4+ yrs me: 36, DH: 37
    3 natural m/c
    6 IUIs: 4 BFN, 1 m/c, 1 chem
    IVF #1 BFN IVF #2 BFN NO MORE TX
    Going to China Late Summer '07???


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