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Tell Your Children or Not??

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  1. #1
    NurPractitioner
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    Tell Your Children or Not??

    Those of you who used/using an egg donor, have you or do you plan to tell your children that they are not biologically yours? I have always said that I was going to tell them from the beginning but now I am questioning what I will do. The more I think about all the complications with telling future children the more I worry about the impact it will have on their life. I worry about identity issues, longing or the need to know about a family that is only theirs by blood (one side my husband will be the genetic father) and the possible feelings of rejection. My donor already made it clear that she never wants to meet future children. I think I would be more than enough as a mother but I realize its only human to want to reach out or want to know more. For example, she has three children of her own... I can't help to think any child would wonder about the possibility of other siblings. I am just so unsure how I am going to approach this when the time comes, do I keep it a secret but if I do, do I need to be worried or be prepared of being outed through things like Ancestry DNA or some other medical technology. I realize that I am just starting this donor egg process (she cycles in April...yay!)but this is a real fear that I am having as I contemplate my future. How are you handling it with your children or what are your plans?
    PCOS and Tubal Issues
    Him--perfect
    1st IVF OE in 2015 in Barbados; 15 retreived, 2 made it for transfer, none for freeze=BFN
    2nd DE 4/2018--donor canceled due to poor stim
    3rd-5/2018 using my own eggs
    result= 21 retreived, 17 fertilized, day 6= 6 to PGS test, 3 Perfect embies frozen
    4th 8/2018 using my own eggs. Hoping to bank more embies!


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  3. #2
    swiftmood
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    No personal experinces at all, but came across this: https://www.eggdonationfriends.com/e...-egg-donation/ Hope this helps x
    Thanks NurPractitioner thanked for this post
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  4. #3
    Native
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    Hi-- If you do research on this topic, you'll see that if you disclose their conception story from the beginning, it's generally just accepted as normal by the children. It becomes an integrated part of their lives and identities. People who hide the conception story tend to have the opposite experience-- when they find out, children (even as adults) feel betrayed and abnormal because it was kept secret like it was something shameful, and they have identity issues because they thought of themselves as a certain identity for years, only to find out their internal reality was a lie.

    When we go into these things, we're taking on the responsibility for all of the implications that follow. Maybe the children will be curious about their biological relatives, maybe they won't. Maybe they'll want to meet them, maybe not. If they do meet them, it may or may not be positive. Maybe they'll have angst that we need to support them through because of our decisions, or maybe they won't. Chances are, if they have a well-adjusted, confident and loving parent to bring them up, they will probably be just fine. You have a lot of time to research how to handle disclosure and questions as the child grows and understands more. That task is on you. To hide a person's origins to spare yourself the awkwardness you feel isn't honoring the child, in my opinion.

    Best of luck in your journey and your research, and hopefully your motherhood.


  5. #4
    NurPractitioner
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    Thank you both for your response and link. I had doubts but they quickly disappeared. I am going back to my original plan, and that is being honest and upfront from the beginning. It is the best plan and it is something I have always said that I would do. I started to question everything as we were going through legal and going through stipulations about meeting but I know being honest is the best way.

    Again thank you!
    PCOS and Tubal Issues
    Him--perfect
    1st IVF OE in 2015 in Barbados; 15 retreived, 2 made it for transfer, none for freeze=BFN
    2nd DE 4/2018--donor canceled due to poor stim
    3rd-5/2018 using my own eggs
    result= 21 retreived, 17 fertilized, day 6= 6 to PGS test, 3 Perfect embies frozen
    4th 8/2018 using my own eggs. Hoping to bank more embies!


  6. #5
    Ririand
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    When we were in the reproductive center, we met there with one couple. They as well as we arrived there for surrogacy. We met them for a long time and communicate on the Internet and now. We did not need the use of donor material. But they needed a donor of sperm. Fortunately, our trips ended well. And now we talk about children. But, we touched on the topic you are talking about. They said that they are not going to tell the child that he was born with the help of a sperm donor. First, the child should not have any doubts. Because in the clinic they were picked up by a donor, who by all characteristics is similar to him. And secondly, why should a child know? This is an unnecessary psychological trauma for him. The fact is that our friends are the fourth child. The rest of the children are born naturally and without donor material. And they think that after learning about this, a child can feel overwhelmed. This can have a negative impact on his self-esteem. What in the future will have an impact on his entire life, career, the construction of his own family. He decided that their child would not know about it. And I fully support their decision. What can this information give him? Doubt, grief, sadness, a sense of uselessness? After all, he will not seek his "biological father." He does not need it, does it? And his "biological father" will not look for him. After all, it is also true. Then why traumatize the child's psyche? Why is it necessary to destroy family ties? It seems to me that this issue needs to be discussed with each other before you are going to use the donor's service. Moreover, often this news is reported to a child when he is at a critical adolescent age. And this is a very difficult time. Since it is meaningless to say this to a small child, he will not understand the meaning of what was said. But the teenager will perceive this very ambiguously. And you can not guess what consequences you can expect. Therefore, it can be said, when the child will be 25-30 years old. Or do not say anything at all. But, this is only the opinion of our friends and ours.
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