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About our discussions here - feeling really concerned

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  1. #1
    maria2
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    About our discussions here - feeling really concerned

    Hi guys.
    I have to say something about disclosure/nondisclosure discussions. I need this board. I need it because I am a mom to di children, and issue after issue comes up because we made this decision. This is where I started this journey 4.5 yrs ago, and I want to continue this journey here. We are disclosing. But I think I feel just as limited as other moms here who are not disclosling. I have felt, I'd say for the last year, just completely lost about where to go about my worries, thoughts, concerns about di, and sometimes disclosure. I need ideas, limit-discussions (who/when to tell) support, comisseration, humor, sadness, whatever comes because we've used this way to have children. I may not post here all the time, but I have to say I am very concerned when you guys generally decide that we can't discuss disclosure issues here.

    Whether or not we disclose in general, we all face issues about disclosure. Perfect, scary example: my son just had to go see a pediatric cardiologist for a possible heart murmor. We were scared to death that maybe the donor didn't disclose something, or was unaware of something that would affect our son's health his whole life. The doctor asked about my dh and my family history. I decided to disclose to the doctor because I wanted him to be vigilent in his examination, knowing that we do not have access to full information because our son is the product of my egg and an anonymous donor.

    I just wish there were a way we could keep advocacy out of the discussions and just keep to giving perspectives so we could all talk about issues/worries/concerns we face! It's really hard for me to imagine going through the next 20+ years! w/o other parents to talk to about this. I know no one else personally in my situation except people on this board, and I really don't want to go to a whole new place. We tried a di/egg donor parenting board and it had no traffic. So please, let's find a way together not make these issues completely unavailable for discussion.
    Thanks for hearing me out,
    maria2
    mom to David, 3, and Kate 5 mo.via my eggs and 2 different anon. di donors


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  3. #2
    maria2
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    p.s.

    I love the structure/guidelines of the to tell/not to tell thread. Thank you, new moderator!


  4. #3
    Laenae
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    I agree.....

    I totally agree. I really need to have some place to come to as I plan not to disclose to anyone. Other than my husband, I have no one else I could talk to. I don't plan on telling my OB GYN or any other doctor for that matter unless some serious medical problem comes up.

    I am totally finding beneficial the discussions and questions brought forth here about disclosure and non-disclosure and hope they continue. It is interesting to see how each person agonized and thought long and hard about how they came to their decisions.

    Thank you all in advance for being frank, open, caring and welcoming me back with open arms.

    Love,

    Laenae


  5. #4
    mod-DiIP
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    Maria,

    I don't think bringing up issues as a result of our choice to tell/not tell will be limited. My understanding of the reasoning behind setting up a tell/don't tell thread was to offer "newbies" some thoughts of parents who have made the decision. It was structured to discourage debating and name-calling about making that particular decision.

    I think questions and discussions relating to issues raised as a result of a tell/don't tell decision are not limited. Different issue although it is related to tell/don't tell. KWIM? One of my questions is how to handle it if, after I tell my 3 kids, that one wants to tell the world and the other two want to keep it private. I don't think discussion on that issue would be limited.

    Diana


  6. #5
    BC-donor
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    Diana hit the nail on the head. There are no limitations of what can be discussed here on this bb. This bb is here to support EVERYONE, regardless of whether they've decided to tell or not. The ONLY limitations that were set, belong solely to the thread discussing the reasons that people chose to make the decision of whether or not to tell. Those guidelines were put in place on that thread alone to make sure that everyone can feel comfortable giving their own personal reasons for their decision. In the past, people have gotten slammed for saying that they don't want to tell. They've been called names, they've been called liars, they've been told that they obviously haven't done any research, they've been told that they're not looking at their child/childrens best interests. It made long time, very supportive members of this bb who've experienced those types of slams not want to participate when someone new comes here looking for help in trying to decide whether they should tell their kids or not. I wanted to make sure that reasons for both sides of the discussion were able to be made, leaving everyone feeling "safe".

    This board is here for supporting everyone, regardless of where they are in the process. If you want/need to discuss how to tell your child, if you need/want to discuss your fears, whatever, go ahead. There used to be a seperate board called Parenting using Donor Gametes, but there was NO activity on the board, so they got rid of it. This board is called Donor Issues. It's not just for going through tx.

    I hope that clears up some of your concerns. I just felt it might be better if we had a pinned thread of the reasons why individuals made the decision they did, so that there weren't any debates mucking up this wonderful bb. I'm also glad that you shared your concerns, rather than just being upset & leaving.



  7. #6
    BC-MAV
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    You can bring this issue to the debate BB ~ everything is discussed there. And you can always PM members of this site that have posted opinions on the Donor BB similar to yours and have a private discussion with them. You can also start a Yahoo group on your own for discussion. The opportunities to discuss are plentiful.


  8. #7
    maria2
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    Thanks guys -
    Just to clarify, I posted before reading the "to tell/not to tell" post. The concerns I expressed above have been on my mind for a quite a while and just came pouring out last night. There were a couple of posts in the last month where people seemed to agree that we shouldn't discuss disclosure issues at all- except by private messaging. That is the limiting perameter I object to. I'm here for dialogue with many ideas; private messaging/email is a really different kind of interaction.

    The bashing we've seen here, (particularly the last year, it seems to me?) over this issue has been frustrating, I think, to most of us. I know there are several non-disclosing parents who read this board that we don't get to hear from much any more because of it - a keen loss to all of us.

    Anyway, thanks for hearing me out.

    -maria2
    Arg! so many spelling mistakes these days from me! Once an English teacher, always an English teacher. Two kids makes for a mushy spelling brain, I guess!!


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