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  1. #1
    Daviso
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    Love this forum!

    Great addition to FT boards!
    Last edited by Daviso; 09-20-2005 at 02:57 PM.


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  3. #2
    Ellie Mae
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    Hi there and WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, this board was a GREAT addition to FT!

    Hugs,
    Heather


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  4. #3
    Daviso
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    question

    I saw this forum when I first signed up on FT, but haven't been around much. Today, I am having a rough day and really doubting God. I won't pretend that I have a strong Christian walk to begin with, but for so many years I put faith in God that I would have a baby... All my hope was in Him. I was even given a "prophesy" that I tried to hold onto for so many years (since 1999). Now I don't know if I can hold on anymore. I feel like the hope I had is gone, and I don't understand why I have to keep going through this. I don't want to turn my back on God, but I can hardly even talk to Him anymore... I have so much resentment right now.

    This is normal with IF, right? The whole questioning God and His existance... I even stopped going to church because of all this. DH and I want to start back (and I am determined to one day), but it is so hard to make myself do it when I have so much doubt and anger. IF is making me into a person I hardly even recognize! I don't like who it has made me.

    Any advise? How do I get over the pain, hurt, resentment, anger and still worship my God?! I feel like such a hypocrite b/c I actually go to a Christian college and no one knows I don't go to church or the resentment I have towards God.
    Last edited by Daviso; 11-03-2005 at 10:49 PM.
    12.5 years of infertility...
    1 miracle from God...
    ~ Joseph Samuel ~
    ***2 years old


  5. #4
    Tracik
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    I wish I had some magic advice for you... but I don't and I was there about 7 yrs ago. I didn't turn my back on god but did pull away from my church and my community for awhile. I was blessed to have 3 wonderful women that I have known for many years not let me pull away from them so when I was ready to come back I was greeted warmly and embraced by them and many others.

    For us the path god led us down was to adoption.... we always thought after bio kids we would adopt, I have alot of cousins/family members who are adopted so it is a logical thing for me to want to have in my life. After my Lap surgery and a rest month I was getting geared back up to start on our 4th and last IUI with injectables in January. It was early December and in early January we had seen my parents for a visit (I was injecting for my 3rd IUI) when my dad sent me a web link to this adoption news story with a simple and sweet note (he didn't like what he saw in me on the IF drugs). That night something spoke to me and I spent the next 3 hours reading all the webpages the news story included. It was like god whispering in my ear and encouraging me and all of a sudden this weight I had been under was gloriously lifted. My DH worked in an office, different company, in the same building as my companies "drop in" center I was working out that day. I called him and said I was ready to go and we "had to talk". The poor guy was scared witless, we got in the car and I told him I wanted to put the IUI's on hold and adopt. He almost cried... he was so relived and said that in his heart he had been wanting to suggest this since before my surgery. I didn't make it back to church for a few more months... just caught up in my own whirl wind, but I felt his presence with me the entire time. When I was so sure that he wasn't listening to me and hearing my cries of pain he spoke to my heart and lead me to my DD, and later my DS.

    This story is just to say to you ... don't give up on God. He is there and will lead you to where you are supposed to be and bless you with a family. Feel free to be angry and mad, he can take it... and he will still be there for you to lean on when you need him. If you are open to it... is there a counselor or spiritual adviser at your college that you can talk to about your anger and feelings towards god right now? I know I would have been lost with out my friends.... they allowed me my rants, my blasphemes, and my tears and always showed me the way back in loving gentle ways.

    I don't know if this is any help... but I can understand your feelings so well. Know we are also here for you through this struggle.

    Wife to Tim, Mommy to 2 Guatemalan blessings
    A, Home 3/02M, Home 1/04, dx w/ALL, PH+ 4/25/08, fighting cancer & he will win

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    "What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a wish that every cup overflow with blessings & that every path leads to peace"-A.Pharo


  6. #5
    Ellie Mae
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    Oh honey, I am so sorry you are hurting the way you are.

    I am going to speak frankly, and I hope I don't hurt you feelings. I am really here to support you.

    Now, as for God. I know a lot of women have resentment that are going through IF. The fact is, you cannot recieve blessings from God if you are closing yourself off to him. Satan would have you to turn your back on God and believe that God has forasken you, that he has not answered your prayers because he doesn't hold you high on his priority list. Well, God does. You are his child and he loves you and wants for you to have the things you most desire.

    Sometimes we just have to show God that we are going to worship him in good times and in bad. Worshiping him when we don't feel like it is hard, but when we worship through the tough times, the times when we feel like we are not getting our prayers answered, that is when the Son shines through! Let me see if I can give you an example of sorts... If you are flying a kite, and the wind is barely blowing, you run to get the kite up in the air. However, if you stop running right before the wind picks up, the kite crashes. If you had just held out a few moments longer, your kite would be flying high. Sometimes when God is working a miracle in our lives, we turn our backs on him and give up right before our miracle is realized. But you see, we never know it because we give up too easily. It is our nature to crash. The only way we keep from crashing is to keep our focus on the Lord.

    I think your first step is getting back into a church body that will support you and help you to keep your focus on God and his plan for your life. If it has been prophesied that you are to be a mother, then it will happen darling, but in God's time.

    I don't know if you know my story or not, but I will share it with you. I put all my faith in God with a recommitment back in January. We were duing another IVF cycle. Well, God blessed me with a pregnancy. I thought I was being rewarded and my prayers had been answered. We were so happy, and then on May 28th, our dreams came to a crashing end. Our baby boy Brody was stillborn. It was very hard to deal with (still is). I turned to God for comfort, and DH turned away. He was angry and resentful with God. During those few weeks that DH was resenting God and had his heart cold to the spirit, things got even rougher. We were not being blessed in any areas. But, the spirit spoke to DH and her turned his gaze back upon God. We had been activly trying for our second child together for 4 years, with three losses. What had we done to deserve this? We had trusted that God would give us what we asked for if we were just faithful and believed that if we asked we shall recieve. Well, we kept praying and seeking HIS will for our lives, because our will for our own life was just not working for us. We were prophesied over one night that there was a miracle being worked in our lives, and that through the loss of our son, we would have a testimony that would speak to nations. We were perplexed, but accepted it, and prayed for God to use us however he needed to to work for his kingdom. We told God that we were open to the miracle he was working in our lives, and that we would wait on it. We expected to wait for a long time, but (long story short), we were blessed with the adoption of out little boy Troy on August 4th. Just two months after we lost Brody. Then we were prophesied over again after he was born and with us...a man told us "Just when you thought you were the furthest away from God that you had ever been, you were actually closer than you ever were". We believe that if we had given up on God in our lives when we lost Brody, if we had gotten angry with him and resentful, we would have blocked the blessing of our son.

    Is there a Christian IF support group at a church near you? If there is, maybe you can join.

    Please take all of that doubt and resentment and force yourself to go to church. Talk to God about your feelings. Ask him to help you release those feelings. Ask him to renew your spirit and renew your faith in him. You need the support of a church family. People who can help you grow in your walk with God. People who can lift you up when you are down, and let you cry to them when you need to cry.

    Now that I have said all of that. I have also been where you are. After we lost our twins, I turned my back on God and church and faith. It didn't get me anywhere except for faithless, depressed, angry, and without comfort. It left me searching and wondering.

    I will be praying for you. We are here for you too. Don't let satan get you down. God has a plan for you...renew your faith and look to him, for he is the only one with the answers. I know you have heard this, but he does do things in HIS time, as frustrating to us as it is. We have to be patient.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Love in Christ,
    Heather
    Last edited by Ellie Mae; 11-04-2005 at 12:18 AM.


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  7. #6
    Dawn
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    Daviso-
    welcome! I hope you find our little sisterhood (and brotherhood-Marc!) to be warm and welcoming and supportive. We love God here and you can come and speak openly, searching for support and a pathway to God.

    I can't really add anything to what Heather has already said so well. Trusting God is hard when the blessings aren't flowing. I was in the exact same place you are right now. Our road to parenthood took us to Guatemala and now we have the most precious little girl blessing our lives.

    I'm going to pray for you too. God will wrap His arms around you and show you His love. He does love you. You are His most precious child.

    In Him,
    Dawn
    Dawn
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    Accepted referral on 2/18/02
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    Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. John 14:6

    I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
    2 Timothy 4:7


  8. #7
    TracyinMN
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    Hello and welcome!

    I wanted to add my .02, if that's okay! I'll address two things...

    First: Your walk with God...Oh, I know how hard that is. I was really struggling when dh and I were trying to conceive. I became depressed and gained weight and wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay married to a man who already had two children. I was jealous of dh and the fact that he and his ex had no trouble conceiving. I was angry and hurt and couldn't undertstand God's plan for my life.

    I would like to suggest a book. It's called "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery" by Jackie Mize. I read this book and renewed my relationship with God and prayed and read and believed. I believe that my IF walk was to bring me closer to my dh and to my step kids and make me aware that I wanted to be with them whether or not I had kids of my own. Shortly after I read this book, I found out I was pg with my first dd. I am not saying the book is magic, but it truly opened my heart back up to God. (Same thing happened with my second dd, I must say).

    Second: As to your TX. My RE reminded me that the "average, normal" couple trying to conceive will take 6 months to conceive. The act of infertility treatment brings us IF people to "average." It looks like you have done 3 IUI's - honey, that's only half way through the average amount of time! I know you have been waiting for a really really long time, but you only got yourself to average 3 months ago. Trust your RE unless your instincts are telling you not to - then do research and if you can get a new RE, do, otherwise question the one you have. It took me 6 months (and 4 IUI's) before I finally conceived my dd. I have faith you will too!

    I will pray for you...
    Tracy
    DH Mike
    DD Ella 9
    DD Grace 7
    Bonus kids: Christine 26 and Andrew 23
    Granddaughter Madison: 2!


  9. #8
    Daviso
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    Thank you all for what you wrote... I am crying as I respond to your posts, because I know what I need to do, and yet my anger and hurt is pulling me in the opposite direction.

    I do have some support in my immediate family and a couple friends. It's my sister and my mom that hold me up spiritually. My sister is a strong Christian, and she never judges me for what I am feeling. She is just awesome. Usually I can go to her and talk about my IF feelings, but she just had her 5th child on Sunday, and I don't want to go to her with this and ruin any of her joy. She actually had problems getting pregnant for a couple years, and then God just started blessing her with her children. So I know she understands. My mom's mom is in the hospital and not doing very well, so I don't feel like I should burden her with this either. I just feel like after so many years people are probably tired of hearing about my pain and disappointments. I use to be such a happy person, and now I feel like my joy has been stolen from me. I have felt like my hope disappeared.

    My DH has his questions, but he still trusts in God and tries his best to help me through these emotions. He really wants us to get back into church, too. I just feel like such a horrible person that I let this tear me away from God. I am miserable without God in my life, and although I haven't completely turned my back on Him, I wonder how He could work with such a broken vessel -- one that was willing to pull away because things aren't going the way I'd planned or wanted.

    There are not any local IF Christian support groups that I know of.

    Thanks again for all of your posts. There is a lot to think about in them, and I'm going to re-read them and absorb as much as I can... Now I have a new understanding of the saying that worshiping God in the rough times is a sacrifice you make to God.

    Thanks for the book idea, too... I will try to find that book!
    Last edited by Daviso; 11-04-2005 at 10:15 AM.


  10. #9
    trustgod
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    [QUOTE=Daviso] I am miserable without God in my life, and although I haven't completely turned my back on Him, I wonder how He could work with such a broken vessel -- one that was willing to pull away because things aren't going the way I'd planned or wanted.

    Oh, sweetie, I know your pain all too well. Broken vessels, it is funny you should say that. I have been involved in our Women's Ministry group this year and our theme has been "Preparing for God's Outpouring". Every message has been in relation to being vessels for God. God's specialty is broken vessels. As long as we are available, open, and yielded to God, he can do an awesome work for you. He is our healer!
    The only thing I can tell you right now is I know that God's plan is perfect. I'll tell you a little about me. I have been TTC for 7 years. I have been through the ups and downs. I have seen the pg women and cried and screamed. I have felt like a useless and rejected woman because of IF. I have cried myself to sleep many times. But I have learned that God is the only one who can get me through. I am still trying to have a baby, but that is no longer my MAIN focus. I have learned that my main focus must be God and he will handle the rest. I am about to start an infertility ministry at my church. I now see God's hand in all of this. I see that he was preparing me to do a work for him. I believe that as I obey him, he will give me the child that I desire. Now I understand that I have been looking at IF as a curse when all along it is has been a blessing because I will be able to help so many.
    I will be praying for you and I hope this has encouraged you at least a little bit. Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.
    Also, check out http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethan...256D630065D9B4. This a great infertility ministry. They have some good resources and a bi-monthly newsletter.

    Love ya,
    Shanda

    P.S. Glad you decided to post here!!


  11. #10
    Ellie Mae
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daviso
    I am miserable without God in my life, and although I haven't completely turned my back on Him, I wonder how He could work with such a broken vessel -- one that was willing to pull away because things aren't going the way I'd planned or wanted.
    We are all broken vessels, and the only way we can be made perfect is through him. He can do anything, if you just let him!

    I hope you didn't feel like I was judging you. I was not in the least. I read your hurt, and know I have been there before.

    Hugs,
    Heather


    16 15 13 6 5/05






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