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A little church humor

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  1. #1
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    A little church humor

    My favorite is the low-self esteem one! Hope these bring a chuckle to your day!

    They're Back! Church Bulletins. Thank heaven for church ladies with
    typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
    announced in church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
    "Searching for Jesus."

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
    recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
    things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
    someone who is hard to love.. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
    about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
    help they can get.

    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
    transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
    Pastor Jack's sermons.

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
    sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
    will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
    person you want remembered.

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
    gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
    be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
    from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
    are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
    back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
    basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
    last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
    DH Mike
    DD Ella 9
    DD Grace 7
    Bonus kids: Christine 26 and Andrew 23
    Granddaughter Madison: 2!

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  3. #2
    Ellie Mae
    What does not kill us...
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    Somewhere Between the Red and Rio Grande
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    16 15 13 6 5/05

  4. #3
    needs a mental vacation.
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    InGodsTime's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    McKinney, Texas
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    I am sitting here literally LOL at my desk. I think my coworkers think I am totally losing my mind. I am going to have to copy and paste these into an email for them so they can see why it is I'm laughing.

    Thanks for the laugh, I REALLY needed it!!

  5. #4
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    Basilissa's Avatar
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    Jun 2003
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    I'm really sick and have a hacking cough...and when I laugh I go into a coughing fit....oh my sides hurt.....

    I love the Weight Watchers one!

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