Same as Gen. Part. Board - Vent/Sympathy fight with my mom

[dee32]

I guess need to vent about mom or need some sympathy

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I guess I am just feeling a little down and need a little sympathy. I had a huge fight with my mother last night and now we are not talking and may not talk for a very long time and doubt our relationship will be the same. A little background: me, dh, and dd rent a tiny 2 bedroom condo. I work fulltime and live an hour away from my mom. My mom wanting to spend time with dd agreed to come up on Monday nights and stay till Thursday evening and watch dd for 3 days a week and she goes to daycare the other 2. Well as I said we live in a tiny condo so there isn't space or much privacy. My mother has to sleep on a pull out couch in the livingroom and there is only one bathroom and when we get up unfortunately she has to get up in the am. The situation was tough. That isn't the huge issue but is part of it. Well in the beginning I was a little apprehensive but didn't state this to my mother because as she has gotten older she is more sensitive than she use to be and in my opinion a little bit paranoid and definetely opinuated but ok she is older and had a tough life. But my whole point was I was afraid there would be issues. My biggest thing with this arrangement was that when I come home I take over including if dd gets up in the middle of the night, etc. and for a long time she respected that and kept her opinions to herself. Now my dd is very young. Only 8 1/2 months old but believe me they learn very early who they can go boo too and get what they want and not like I am a cold or strict mom because I basically cater to my dd because I just love her so much but I can deal with her crying when she is sick or overtired without getting upset anymore where my mom can't deal with that at all. I maybe jumping ahead of myself. What basically started happening is my mother use to basically go off shift when I got home and go about doing her own thing whether go to the store, make calls, etc. but as time went on that didn't happen anymore and where she use to hold her tongue if she wanted to tell me to do something differntly with dd she started either expressing herself in a manner that would suggest that I had no clue what I was doing and try to step in and take over with dd. I tried to hold my tongue knowing how much she was doing for us and that she meant well and knew that in Sept. dd was going to switch to 3 days at daycare and it would be shorter periods of time she would be there but I started to feel while she was at our house that dd was her's and I was basically a bystander and I would only get dd back 100% when my mother left. Well last night was the straw that broke the camels back. DD is sick with an ear infection so instead of being the relatively easy going baby she is a little cranky which I don't blame her but she would start to cry a lot before going to bed where normally she would just go in and my mom can't stand when she cries at all even if normal and kept trying to take my dd away from me basically suggesting that she can comfort her better and dd is seeing this and then starts reaching for her so I refuse because now I'm mad and walk out of the room. A little while later I give dd to dh and go outside and my mom is leaving to get out for a while and when she got back I was much better and calm but she was angry at this point and we had a huge arguement where she stated she can't understand why I wouldn't just give dd to her and that I am a very jealous person and by not giving dd to her I just being spiteful which flipped me out and we had the worst nasty fight of my lifetime and she went home. Thank God daycare could take her today and I have enrolled her full time because I just can't deal. I did email my mother (knowing she wouldn't talk to me on the phone) apologizing for all the nasty comments, told her I enrolled dd in daycare fulltime and it was just better this way because of space and privacy and that she is more than welcome at anytime to take her for the day or go pick her up at daycare and I basically got a message I never got from her before that I wounded her soul, she doesn't think she will be talking to me and don't email or call her anymore. I sent another email asking does she just need time or is this it meaning no relationship? No response. I reread the emails and sent her another one stating not to take dd going full time as a personal insult. I feel horrible how inconveinced she is when staying with us but do not in anyway want her to not see dd and want her to have a close relationship with her and went on and on and she hasn't even opened it.

Sorry it's so long but this is very upsetting to me.

[DebSean]

I'm sorry

[Kathy326]

I'm really sorry Dee, what a terrible quandary. FWIW, I think you did the right thing, enrolling Melanie f/t. Everybody living together 4 days a week must have been a real strain. I hope your mom cools down. It sounds like she loves Melanie (and you!) an awful lot, and I doubt she's going to be able to stay away for too long.

Hugs,
Kathy
Mommy to Aidan William
7/5/05

[Kathy326]

Another thought: email can sometimes feel a little cold. Perhaps try sending a Hallmark, write down your feelings. She may be more receptive.

Kathy
Mommy to Aidan William
7/5/05

[dee32]

Thank you for your reply's. It does make me feel a lot better. I have to say I still am sad but on the other hand can I tell you it felt so great to pick dd up at daycare yesterday and get to come home and be the mommy with no power struggle, cook dinner and dh came home and we spent the night as a family. At dinner and I washed the dishes while dh gave dd a bath and then we all played for awhile before her bedtime. It was wonderful. I know my mom is deeply hurt I think more about dd going to daycare fulltime than anything else but I have offered in a ton of emails (since she won't speak with me) that anytime she wants to come and spend the day I will keep dd out of daycare or she can even get her at daycare if she would like and go somewhere like the park if she feels uncomfortable at my house but I haven't heard anything. I know what will come in a week or so. She will request to take her over night but she knows my feelings on that. My dd is only 8 1/2 months old and I will not let her unless absolutely necessary sleep out. I would miss her too much.

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

[dee32]

Ok so the saga goes on. Still of course haven't spoken to my mother but you know what she is missing out and that is her issue she will have to get over with. I was speaking with my girlfriend yesterday who I referred to my daycare. She is having a baby next month and has a 2 1/2 year old and thought she may want to put her into something 2 mornings a week so that she can get out and socialize and not be stuck home all day because mommy will be busy with new baby and she was told first that my daycare was full so ok that doesn't affect me so whatever and then she procedes to tell me the lady at daycare informs her that as of next June, 2007 she is closing for good. My heart sank. I am sure all of you can relate to this. It took us so long to find the place we wanted. A place that came highly recommended by several friends. A place I felt confident enough to leave the most precious in my life with on a daily basis. I swear if we did not find this place and if I did not feel confident enough I wouldn't of gone back to work, let the state provide for my dd's health insurance because I am the benefits person and basically get rid of cable, cell phones, voice mail, internet service, anything possible but we found this women. It is a very small daycare in this women's house that has all the bells and whistles of a large commercialized daycare but more in a home setting. My dd is the only baby with 3 to 4 other children ranging from 2 1/2 to 5 years old. This women is great. The children rarely watch any tv, there is a pool for them and a tiny baby pool for my dd, the place meets every criteria for state regulations, the women has almost a school set up or like a preschool set up with a lot of learning, arts and crafts. They even have the children on holidays make stuff. I even received my first mothers day gift from my dd that was home made. I won't put my dd in a commercialized daycare that is big. Not like they are bad but just not right for me or my child. I know I have a lot of time but I am hoping that I find something appropriate that I feel 100% comfortable with a little before the year so I can transition my dd so she won't be so devasted. She is starting to get attached to this women. Our other friends who's children go won't have to worry because their children are a little older and also are teachers so by the time daycare closes the moms will be home for the summer and then their children will be going to school so it's not like there will be any other referrals from friends and we are basically on our own. I swear I kick myself in the butt for not being smarter when younger and prepared for a day when I did have children so I was able to stay home.