Year Anniversary of Jude's Due Date

[Jad]

I guess there's not really a name for what today represents. It's the time that I hoped to be celebrating the first birthday of my first child.

Instead, I find myself home alone, with my husband being away in Afghanistan for the past 7 months (3 left to go), in an all-too-quiet house. This week was really hard. For some reason it was doing my taxes that sent me over the edge. I had to revisit all of my IVF expenses from this past year. Since we lost Jude in Dec 2010, we've done 2 IVF cycles, both of which ended in chemical pregnancies. I came across the precious picture of a 5-day blastocyst that had a due date this very month. Our third loss, who doesn't even have a name.

I'm really struggling with all of this waiting. Waiting for my husband to get home, waiting to give our frozen embryos a chance (honestly, I haven't been ready to go through it again), waiting for the adoption center to call (we signed up about 5 weeks ago)... over 5 years of waiting to be a mom. It's hard for me to maintain any sort of genuine hope.

Sorry for feeling-sorry-for-myself post. I'm just feeling down today and don't know who else can relate.

[TTCyears]

Thinking of little Jude.

Hugs for you in this difficult time. IF and pg loss are so, so very difficult. The worst for me, was when my DH and BFF were both out of town and I PMSed (add taxes on top of that and I would have been certifiable). After 8 yrs, five early losses and one that was particularly devastating, I was the shadow of who I had been. We pursued foster/adopt while doing a final effort with our 4th RE. We read a book called "Maybe Days" for foster children and it could have been written for IF/pg loss patients also --- about how the uncertainty is so difficult. I see you have a plan, and with one foot in front of the other the waiting will pass and life will move on... hoping that is sooner than later!