Guilt over thoughts of TTC- too soon? (everything ment'd)

[BC-RyansHope]

Well ladies, I just wanted to say hello.
I hesitated over posting this because I dont want people judging me. My beautiful angel was stillborn just 18 short (well they seem painfully long to me) days ago.

DH and I made a decision that we are going to TTC again. We actually made an appt with my RE for Dec 9th. Yes its very soon. I was iffy when the nurse said that was the only Dec appt they had.
(My RE has his main office which is 1hr15min away from me and then a satellite office which is about 40min away). He doesnt do alot of days at the satellite office but when he's there, he's there pretty much all day up until 11 or midnight sometimes. Our appt is for 8:30pm. Do you think I'm crazy? Is it too soon?

My son Ryan was diagnosed with hydrocephalus at my level II US at 19w4d by the peri. We went to CHOP (Child.Hosp of Phila)and were given a diagnosis of aqueductal stenosis after an US, MRI and echo at 21w. The fluid pressing on his brain had gotten significantly worse in that small time period. The neonataolgist (I think thats what he was) said Ryan wouldnt be 'brain dead' because he would be able to suck, swallow and cry but thats ALL he would be able to do. He would never think, sit up, hold his head up, talk, walk, really anything. We made the most excruiating decision in our lives. I was induced on Nov 5th and 34 hrs later on Nov 6th at 9:15PM, my little angel Ryan arrived at 21w3d. He was perfect in every way. 10 fingers, 10 toes, everything as it should be. What will always haunt me is that horrible decision we had to make.

This appt is only to discuss our options and the future. We wont do anything until we get all of Ryan's tests back (autopsy/fragile x testing) which wont be until Jan sometime. I am figuring RE will want to do his own testing on me like sonohystogram, mock transfer, etc in the meantime. I've had a lap done in Jan 07 and Jan 08 (only 1 day apart) so I'm pretty much counting on needing one done in Jan 09. Seems to be the norm for me. Plus pending Ryan's reports we may need to do PGD testing.

But I just might be FETing in Feb with a ET of Feb 23rd. That also gives me a due date of Nov 11th. Ryan's birthday is Nov 6th. (Ryan's due date was March 16th.) Maybe thats a sign? It'll be very bittersweet if thats the way it is. Maybe the universe's way of saying you are allowed to be happy again? That you'll never ever forget your son but you are allowed to hope and dream?

I dont know maybe I am crazy to even be thinking of this. All I do know is that I dont know what I believe in right now (religion wise) but I do believe that my little angel is out there somewhere watching over me and DH.

The whole idea of starting over is just so daunting. Also I have some guilt that I am betraying my son by even thinking about being pregnant again. I know thats not true but we cant always help what we feel.

Its only been 18 days and my world is still dark right now. I know eventually it will hurt less, at least thats what people keep telling me. No one will ever replace my son and I'm not doing this to replace him or forget about him. I know some people may think it's too soon to even be thinking about TTC again. I need to believe that with Ryan watching over us that we will get thru this. I need to believe that Ryan will have a brother or sister. I need hope.

Ok I cried and vented a bit, if you read this then thank you. I will be back. I have to come back for my Ryan.
~Melissa

[MT_firegirl]

I won't pretend for one second that I truly unerstand your grief or that I understand your loss, but I wanted to tell you that I admire you. I admire your bravery in sharing your story, your want to move forward and still pursue adding to you beautiful family and I admire your love for your son. Anyone that thinks that they have the right to judge you should punch themselves in the face before they open their mouth.


I don't know any of the answers, but I think that you know in your heart what is right timewise for you and your family. I think that your beautiful baby Ryan can and will help guide your heart in this process and with your husband by your side, I have no doubt that you will go on to create an amazing and successful family that makes great contributions to the world around you.


Goddess Bless you and yours

[BC-SgtMom]

I am so sorry to be reading of your loss for the first time. My deepest condolences go out to you and your entire family. I dont think its too soon to be thinking about your next step in building your family. I know that of many people (myself included) who were planning for adoption (just in case) while still doing IVF. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you do take the time time to grieve this precious baby. No other baby will replace RJ but there is nothing wrong with ttc again when you are ready. Only you will know when the time is right.

[bellastar]

Melissa you are not crazy at all for thinking of this now. When Jaxon was in the NICU and only had a few days left I even thought about it then. I still grieve my triplets every single day. You will never be over what happened to you and getting pregnant again is a way to help mend your heart.

Our first transfer after occurred about 3-4 months after our loss. Whenever you are ready is the right time. Much love....

Rachel

[bhoban]

Everyone is ready to TTC at their own pace after a loss like this - it took me 3 months to get my period back after my loss in my 17th week, but I did an IUI the first month I could - it helped me to focus on TTC again - I still had a lot of anger and sadness, but for me it was a good thing to start trying again. Your son will have a place in your heart always regardless and I wish you success in your future efforts to provide him with a sibling...

[MareRI]

You are braver than I, to be thinking of ttc so soon, but I can totally understand your feelings. I felt very very guilty even thinking about ttc after Isabella's loss, and I couldnt do it, couldnt talk to the dr, until at least a year had passed. Once that year went by, I still didnt feel right, didnt feel that I was "done" grieving (we never are but it does indeed get easier). I got pg again 2 yrs from the day of Isabella's funeral.

Not a day of my pg went by where I didnt feel guilty towards Isabella, or when I didnt "talk" to her, and explain that she wasnt being replaced, and ask for her to understand. I have to believe that she heard me, and that her sister is her gift to us. We named her in honor of Isabella, not to replace her, but to remember her every day (as if we didnt already).

Ryan is watching over you, and wiping your tears and his spirit will help mend your hearts. When you get pg again, Ryans memory and spirit will help you get through each day, and each difficult milestone in your pg that reminds you of him...

I know it seems like your grief can crush you right now, and it will be that way for a while...but it will ease. You will be able to think of him and smile and the tears wont flow as fast or as quickly. I always equate my grief to the tide...it goes out, and I feel almost normal again...then something happens, someone says something, or I see something that reminds me of Isabella, and the wave of grief comes crashing back, almost harder than before. And it wipes away some of the progress I had made...but not all of it. Its been 2.5 yrs since we lost Isabella and while there are still days I cry at the mere mention of her name, there are days when I can smile through the tears and see the promise of the future too...

good luck in your decisions, and know that there are so many people here who understand, and who care, and who would never judge you and dont want you to judge yourself or be hard on yourself...you did what any mother would, you made the best decision you could for your child.

[dr j]

Meliissa

I only have a moment- and haven't read all the responses.... you need to know I thought about TTC again IMMEDIATELY. I had put my entire life on hold due to a high risk pregnancy and the fact we were expecting triplets. I gave up my practice, my hobbies- everything and came home to no job, nothing to do and an empty house.

All I could do was think of TTC again..... it obsessed me.....

You are so normal....as normal as anyone can be who is grieving their precious baby boy....

Hang in there sweetie.

J

[BC-RyansHope]

Thank you all. I am so 'happy' to hear that others wanted to/had thoughts of/started to TTC soon afterwards. That really does help. It does. Thank you.

[soccermom]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to send hugs. You and Matt will know when the time is right.

[sdeut]

We just lost Zachary in June and did our 1st transfer in October. We did have to have PGD testing. It gave me something to center my mind on other than the loss of my little boy. I think you are very normal and when you feel ready don't feel guilty. I think you already know from the other board that my 1st try ended up as an ectopic so it brought back a lot of hurt from after the 1st few days that we lost Zachary. I was not ready for that but I don't think we ever are ready for something like that so even though I experienced an ectopic I still want to get back to trying as soon as the doctors will let me.