post D&C update and vent

[hoping4baby]

my appnt went ok, i guess. not sure what to think about it really. i left neither completely happy nor completely disappointed. i felt like i was just going through the motions and i was just hearing "stuff." it was all just coming at me like blah...blah...blah....

all he could say was that, so far, this miscarriage is "unexplained". we'll know more when the test results from the "tissue" come back in a month. he said it could be that there were chromosomal issues that caused the miscarriage. the tests will tell us more.

he also said he wanted us to wait until May to try again. he wants 3 normal cycles to go by before we try again. so, basically, i need to have a normal cycle for the month of februrary, march, and april...three consecutive months. as he was saying this, i thought, "i NEVER IN MY LIFE had three consecutive normal cycles and i'm just supposed to miraculously start now?!?"

i told him i wasn't sure how i felt about trying again ever. i'm confused how i could go through 4yrs of infertility to this....being "fertile" yet not being able to maintain a pregnancy. how ironic is that!!! trying to conceive for so long that i was finally convinced that i was just never going to have my own baby. then, finally getting pregnant but only to lose her to some stupid defect! then, thinking i couldn't possibly get slapped again while already down, i go on to get pregnant again...TWICE...only to miscarry....TWICE!!! first i can't, now i can but not all the way. geez, life is a riot sometimes!

so, he said we could stop trying if we wanted but that i needed to be under medical supervision if i did decide to try again. that i will more than likely need medication to conceive. not because i can't on my own but because what i can do on my own isn't good enough. he suspects i may not be producing good enough eggs so taking clomid will help with ovulating a good egg. and that i will more than likely always need progesterone supplements as soon as a pg is detected to help sustain it and probably throughout the pregnancy as well. he summed it up as bluntly as possible, "you can't just conceive carefree as others can. conceiving and pregnancy is complicated and for you it's a little more complicated."

so now, if we decided to try again, i can't do it without all the ttc stress and just "relax" (as so many recommended.) i can't just go get drunk and have some wild carefree sex and leave it up to chance. i mean, i guess i can. that's basically what happened in december without the getting drunk part. but it'll be like playing russion roulet with some very bad odds in my favor. more than likely, if i don't stay one step ahead of the game with medication and doctor visits, then i will most likely miscarry. some great news there, huh!?!

so basically, dh and i have a lot of soul searching to do. i know for sure we're taking 3months off. come May we'll have to decide if we've quit or not.

~ Me
mommy to Mia Marvelle (03/11/04 - 03/16/04) Mia's pics:http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/...0375&members=1


mommy to Baby m/c July 2004
mommy to Baby m/c January 2005


"A moment in my arms, forever in my heart!" ~ mommy loves you, baby girl!

"A momment in my womb, forever in my heart!"

"I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES...I'm a mommy to a couple of them!"

[MyraVA]

Zinnia,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through so much. No one should have to.

I hope that the next three months brings you some peace and answers to your questions.

[TriciaJ]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It is so hard and heartbreaking.

Sending hugs,
Tricia

[momto3angels]

Please be gentle with yourself and take care of you. You don't need to make any major life decisions right now. Perhaps the "mandatory" rest period will give you 3 months to sort through your feelings.

I am so sorry this is so difficult for you.
Wishing ypu peace.

[SKR]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this yet again. Not having any answers and having to "wait" for results is excruciating. Please know that you are in my prayers--Shanna