Explain Color ? Please help!

Hello to all of you. I am kind of new here. I was here a long time ago but now I am back. I have a very important question to all of the mother’s that have adopted biracial children, especially to the mother’s of African American / Caucasian children. I will first start by telling you a little about my situation.

My daughter is 3 and will be 4 in July. She was adopted at birth. She means the world to me and I want to do right by her and give her all the information she needs to make her understand life and her adoption understandable. I want to do it in the right way so I came to you guys for help. She has started asking questions about her race. She wants to know why her skin is not the same color as hers. Her best friend is white and she does not understand why her skin is not. I told her that she has brown skin and it is so beautiful. I told her that she is brown because that is how God made her and he loves her very much. She is still confused.

One of the problems might be that she does not see many people that have the same skin color as her. I have taken her to a church that is predominately black to help her see that she is not alone. I work at a day care center but that is not much help there because we only have one black child. She will be going to child development this school year and that will be a lot of help. At school she will see people of different colors there. So exposure will not be a problem after that.

I just wanted to ask, how did you explain the different skin color? I need some help. Do you know of any other web sites that can help me? Any help you can give me would be appreciated. If any of you guy live in South Carolina, would you be intrested in a play date. Do you Know of any place that moms of adopted children get together for play dates? Sorry if you see this message more than once but I really need some help so I have got to put the question out there.

Hope

[DawnL]

Dh and I are both white, and our two kids are both AA/C mixed. It helps that my BIL is a black man, so I sometimes tell dd that her birthmom is white, and her birthfather is black, like Uncle Kevin. But she hasn't really had any questions about our family's differences. I wish I had better advice for you. Perhaps a good book might help? There is one that is called ( I think ) Brown Like Me. I have heard good things about it. Perhaps others will be able to recommend some good books.

[Monica2]

Hi -- I don't have any experience to share with you, but the mention of books reminded me that there is a website, I think it is called tapestry books, that specializes in adoption books. I know there are tons for kids about adoption. I would eat my hat if they don't have something for your situation -- both for you and for her to read. As DH and I consider adoption, and what type, your question is really interesting to me, as I'd like to do domestic interracial adoption but we are jewish (and white) and there are almost no people of color at our synagogue or in our neighborhood.

I just had one more random thought -- might there be some kind of class you could take your daughter to that might have a more diverse mix of kids? Not a class on an AA topic, necessarily, but like gymboree or music class or something like that. You could even call ahead to see how diverse the students tend to be. I asked that at my preschool interviews . . . our bio DD is obviously white but not only was I thinking about potential adoptive kids, but DD should not be in a lily-white environment either! So I think they must get asked about that all the time. Good luck!

[adoptedMichael]

Hello Hope!

Don't have a whole lot of advice, as we do live in a very diverse area, but just wanted to send you a hug. I was very chagrined early on, as people automatically assumed our son was from another country, and even had an argumentative neighbor insist to me that my son looked too Hispanic to not be. He is biracial: AA and CC, and was adopted domestically, through a semi-open adoption, so I know of his birthparents and his heritage.

Michael is almost 5 years now, and we have always read books to him about what life is like, or was like in the past, for African Americans. One of his favorite books is (a board book) about Martin Luther King, Jr. It gives a very basic, non-violent look, at this country's ugly history of racism. Michael had it memorized when he was 2 years old, so the text was not too lengthy.

We have done the best job we could to point out in books, TV, magazines... whatever we could find, about notable African Americans, to Michael. To teach him what he can be proud of with his heritage, might help buffer any racism he faces in his future (though I hope he doesn't). We are Jewish also, so prejudice is not new to us either. We just try to live peacefully ourselves, and teach him to respect all peoples, and differences. (Our congregation has some other AA or biracial members, so that is good.)

We are hoping to buy a house someday, and it will necessitate moving to a new area, as the prices are too high here. We are already thinking about where is a safe place for all the members of our family.
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Added later: I was restacking a set of library books that we had checked out just last week, and found again a book that deals with tensions that existed in the past (dating as per the illustrations). It's about 2 girls who want to play together, but have to ease into it since the adults are uneasy about someone of another race. There is no violence in it, but opens a door to discuss history, as I have been gently trying to broach this subject with Michael. I know he should learn about it, but I still feel he's at too tender an age to really divulge all the ugly history of racism. The author, according to the dust jacket on the book, has received 2 Coretta Scott King Honors, so I take it she's good.

At any rate, the book is titled The Other Side and is by Jacqueline Woodson, illustrated by E.B. Lewis.

[BethOH]

We are still in the process of adopting but I have been interested in inter racial issues all my life and I have one thought.

I have not seen that kids really notice skin color issues on their own as young as your daughter. I am not saying it is not possible tha she noticed it already - but you might try to find out how she started on this train of thought. Did someone she knows bring this up? What did they say about it? It may have simply been her little friend - but you might want to see if she is thinking that this is negative in any way - that she has darker skin.

There are some GREAT books out there about differences. I would not limit these discussions to skin color - but talk about all the ways people are different (height, weight, abilities, gender, etc.). At some point you will also need to get her to understand that there are some people who think that anyone who is different is bad - but that these people are WRONG.

Good Luck! You sound like you are on the right track.

[spring]

Originally Posted by BethOH

I have not seen that kids really notice skin color issues on their own as young as your daughter. I am not saying it is not possible tha she noticed it already - but you might try to find out how she started on this train of thought.

Hi Beth - I know it may seem like 3 is young for this, but as the caucasian mom of two Asian daughters and as the friend of many trans-racial adoptive families, I can assure you that many children do start noticing these differences around three years old. My own son, who is caucasian was very aware at three that his sister's skin was a different color. Not because of something we said or an idea that someone planted in his head - just because he was looking and learning and curious about his world.

I've heard and read that one of the best things we can do for our children in mixed race families is to be sure that we as families build and maintain friendships with people of color... the kind of relationships where people are truly "in" our lives. It's not easy to do if you're not in a diverse community, and especially difficult sometimes when you're just so busy parenting a young child, kwim? Another thing I've read that is important for our children is to build relationships with other families like ours - if you could find a group of adoptive moms and network with other mixed race families that might be a great place to start - even if you have to drive a ways to find the group at first. I expect there are other families out there like yours, maybe just not that easy to find. Maybe just by reaching out to *any* adoptive family and asking you could eventually find other mixed-race adoptive families. You also might make a connection or find more resources by asking your social worker who did your homestudy, or seeing if there are any counseling centers in your area - many times places like this have information about adoption support groups.

Best wishes,

spring

[BC-MAV]

Our DS is the same color as us and it is funny that the question of color has NEVER come up. His good friend is AA, and he has 2 guatamalan children in his class, 1 child of Indian descent, but mostly they are Caucasion. I did get a GREAT book from his AA friend that is a paperback book about the Blues Clues characters "Magenta" and "Blue". It is a great way of explaining things on a young level. I can't remember the name but you could probably do a search on it. There is also another book called "We are all alike and we are different". Good luck!