I just lost my 5th baby this past week due to missed m/c. I have gone through every test under the sun and they have not been able to figure out why this is happening. My sister in law has offered to be a surrogate for us, but I dont know if we are going to be able to swing this.
I have primary and secondary insurance, and neither of them have any surrogacy coverage. It makes me so mad that they would cover ivf for me, but won't cover my portion of surragacy. We have a nice nest egg, but my husband and I are definitly not wealthy. I just don't know what to do. If I don't have to pay for an agency, and my sister in law is not looking to be compensated, how much would this cost us? It just devestates me that we won't get our baby because of money.
Then I wonder, if my insurance will cover IVF for me, maybe I should try it (my re wanted to but I thought he was crazy. I have no problems getting pg). But if I did try one cycle, wouldn't I possibly have extra eggs? Would I be able to use those remaining eggs after that cycle to impregnate my sister in law? It wouldn't be insurance fraud if I actually go through IVF. I dont see it working, but I guess we could try. Wouldn't it be my choice what I do with those other eggs?
I'm feeling so desperate. The only thing keeping me together after so many losses is that baby at the end of the rainbow. I dont know to give up this dream.
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03-04-2013, 11:07 AM #1bam451Registered Userhas no status.
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5th missed m/c - Time to try surrogate??
03-05-2013, 08:36 AM #2BC-MAVBoard Coordinator for Surrogacy BB Over 5,000 Posthas Queen status
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I am so sorry for all your losses and this most recent one too! (((HUGS))) That is wonderful that your sister in law has offered to be a surrogate for you. Our insurance covered 3 IVF's but we were not successful at that point. The RE's here would have transferred our embryos to a sister if I had one, but I don't have any siblings. I don't know how that would have worked legally since surrogacy is null and void in our state so I guess we would have had to do an adoption. We went to CA where surrogacy is a legal option and we would be on the birth certificate as the parents. I am assuming you live in in a surrogacy friendly state where the laws are behind you. That is the first thing to find out. And of course your SIL should be at least 18, have given birth and parented a child.
If it were me I would get a second opinion as to why you are having m/c. I know after our 1st failed IVF with very low number of eggs (so none to use in another cycle) so we got a consult with another RE. She said I might need to consider donor egg. We were shocked and went to a 3rd RE who said the 1st IVF is a learning experience to see how you respond to the FSH and how your eggs fertilize so you are not doomed if you don't get good results in the lab. He did a 2nd IVF where I got a nice number of eggs and very good quality and had excellent fertilization and some to freeze. We turned to surrogacy after the 4th failed IVF and at some point we went to an RE in CO who required that we get these blood test that check for genetic abnormalities on the genes (balanced translocations) because if there was something wrong not only would I m/c but our surrogate would as well. There were no abnormalities and that IVF resulted in our 1st DS. If you haven't had the test I would certainly do that.
It is absolutely your choice what to do with your eggs but you are bound by your state laws. In our state you cannot donate eggs but you can donate sperm.Also you cannot destroy embryos in our state so you would either use them or freeze them indefinitely. When we were doing IVF in CA we had to either use the embryos, donate to research, or donate to another couple after a period of 3 years in storage. We donated to another couple after we were done but they were not successful with our embryos but ultimately adopted twins.
I hope some of this info helps you and I am sure others who have done surrogacy recently can chime in about the costs and how to keep them down. An agency would be much more expensive and you already have your SIL as a potential candidate which is a positive! Good luck in your quest and please feel free to PM me or post your questions on the BB. We are here to help!MAV Mom to
03-05-2013, 10:18 AM #3BC-SirellBC for Surrogacy Over 5,000 Postis loving her new home in San Diego!
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Welcome and great big hugs to you! I am so, so very sorry your all of your losses.
Your RE has done all of the auto-immune testing on you correct? My sister many years ago had loss after loss just like you, which is what led me down the surrogacy path (I was going to carry for her). However, her RE discovered their issue with auto-immune testing and treated her. Just a thought.
I think I would encourage you to do at least one round (hopefully that's all you will need) of IVF especially since you have insurance covarage, which is rare these days. I would also recommend doing PGD on the embryos before transferring to ensure you are only transferring healthy embryos and upping your odds.
Any remaining embryos that you choose to freeze are yours to do with as you please. Meaning you absolutely could transfer them to a surrogate to carry for you.
Tough choices ahead of you, love, but many very viable options that absolutely could result with a baby in your arms. Don't give up!!
We are all here to support you in any way we can! Ask questions!!
SirellGS to Logan Thomas (born 8/22/10)
GS to Jodok Roy & Louis Neil (born 12/3/08)
GS to Jessica Galina (born 10/12/07)
GS to Bodie Lane (born 9/6/06)
GS to Ariana Grace (born 11/24/04)
GS to Katherine Sirell (born 8/21/03)
TS to Eli Fredrick (born 8/20/01)
The love of my life - Tim & our children - Alexandria, Ashley, Lacey, Jacob, & Jillian
03-08-2013, 08:28 PM #4
I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult journey so far. You are so lucky to have a SIL who is willing to help. You need to find out if she qualifies as a surrogate. You'll want to pick a fertility clinic that is experienced in surrogacy, if the RE you have been using is not. The clinic does not have to be nearby, although that is obviously more convenient. Look at the websites for statistics on live birth statistics and see how your clinic rates. If it doesn't have good statistics, then consider switching, because other REs may be better able to diagnose why you are not being successful. Remember in choosing a clinic, that some get good statistics by sheer volume which doesn't necessarily mean a high percentage chance, and/or using shared cost programs that charge more and let people keep on trying without paying additional fees, but if you go somewhere that does it right the first time, you'll be happier.
Once you pick a clinic, you can have your SIL checked as a surrogate candidate.
You'll still have to have lawyers for the both of you, do a contract, have medical tests, and do psychological testing. You'll also have to pay all her costs and buy her a life insurance policy, just in case. She has to have health insurance that will cover her medical costs - one that does not have a surrogacy exclusion. If her medical insurance excludes surrogacy,w hich many now do, youwill have to buy her an individual policy.
I'd suggest that if you go through with it, you agree ahead of time on compensation for her. Not the thousands of dollars that surrogates normally get, but what expenses she'll be reimbursed for. Also, I'd agree on some kind of "allowance". There usually is an allowance for expenses, and I'd give her maybe one that is a bit more generous than the usual if she isn't getting any compensation. You don't want her to feel in the end that she went through all this pain and suffering and ended up with nothing. While money isn't what she is after (you are going to have to compensate her in warm fuzzies in other ways), if she feels she is losing money in the process, that just gets under people's skins if anything else is annoying them and makes it worse. So, making sure that she doesnt' feel like she is putting her own money into the process helps make your relationship go smoother.
One thing about surrogacy, is that you will run into unexpected emotional bumps. It is something that people just don't "get" until they've experienced it because it is so different. Along the way you will be surprised at other people's reactions and then you'll stop and try to put yourself in their shoes and as you think about it you start to understand their perspective, but it would never have occurred to you that whatever they are concerned about would be an issue, just because we aren't used to thinking in terms of having these roles be separated out this way. It tends to make for a bit bumpier journey than we first expect. This is not to scare you off at all! I'm just saying that you should do what you can up front to ease the relationship and make the agreement as clear as possible so that in case you do run into any bumps, they will be as small as possible.
Find a lawyer for your state at the American Association of Assisted Reproduction Technology Attorneys website. Get a quote from the lawyer for your contract. Find out about medical insurance - look at your SIL's plan booklet. Get a quote from an independent insurance broker if needed. Think through your budget. Can you spend $30,000-$40,000? If you don't have that much, where can you get it? Do you need to do this now or can you save for a year and do it in a year?
04-19-2013, 10:22 AM #5
I know this is an older thread, but thought I'd chime in . . . . we have/are on the surrogacy journey . . . our GS has had two m/c now - one after we say that the heartbeat which was particularly devastating. Our RE had the embryo sent off to a lab in CA which did a full genetic test on the embryo - to the level of detail that we found out the gender, and they were able to see if the embryo had any chromosomal issues. In our case, both times, we have lost a son who was perfect genetically . . . hence we are thinking about looking at another GS. But enough about me - you should investigate if you do get pg again and m/c if they can send the embryo/fetus off to get testing . . . it might help solve another piece of the puzzle.
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