New to board; loving stepmom & wife are things of past

[Morganbaby]

Hi
I am new but i think I have found the perfect safe haven for me.

I have been with my husband for ten years-dated for three and married for seven. At first it didnt bother me that he has a little girl. My step daughter is now 13 and I now that we are ttc...i cant stand to look at her.

She lives with her mom but we used to get her every weekend and I used to love spending time with her. After three failed IVF and several IUI and tons of clomid cycles...the idea of picking up my step daughter for the weekend just makes me angry.

I also resent my husband for having a kid with another woman. The fact that the exwife and i dont get along doesnt help. As my stepdaughter grows...she looks more and more like her mother...just one more reason why I cant bear to look at her. She is a constant reminder that my husband has a kid and I dont.

This summer my husbands family wants to book a trip. They all want to go so their kids can have fun memories with each other. My husband wants us to take hus daughter. I would rather stick a fork in my eye. I just finished another failed invitro last month - the last thing I want is to be around kids...and i certainly dont want to be around my stepdaughter.

Advice?

[Simmone]

Hi hun. So sorry to hear how hard it is for you. I suspect there are a few things causing you to feel so bad. I have a step son and I know when I am cycling it is much harder on me and my relationship with him. I also was resentful that I had to go through the process and it wasn't easy. What I do know is a lot of it was the hormones talking. Taking a break and detoxing made such a difference to my moods and allowing me to think more rationally. But I think there is a bit more to your story. I would really think about getting some counsellor and perspective. I dot think getting pregnant will help your situation, as you may want to cut out your step daughter even more after bub arrives. It is so important you can find a balance, especially since it sounds like you did have a really good relationship previously. Step parenting is so challenging but any child you have will be related to your SD. There is help and I would think about getting some. Good luck to you. This journey is hard enough without the added pressures you have.

[Morganbaby]

Simmone
Thank you for the reply and advice. How old is your stepson? What did you do when you were on the hormones and had to be around him to make it better for him? I have to really work at being pleasant and deep down inside i feel sad, angry and most of all lonely. When I see my husband with SD and they are having a good time I feel very left out that its a parenting bond that I am not able to have.

I recently found a support group...meets once a month. First weds of the month. I will go there in a few weeks and hopefully be able to get with a counsellor. You are very perceptive--i need to seek some professional advice. Cant keep it bottled inside.
Thankyou for your post...

[MrsJones]

Morganbaby~ I'm sorry you're feeling this way but I can relate. I agree with Simmone that part of what you're feeling is most likely the hormones. When I was going through my Ivf cycle I found it hard to deal with children period. I also have a SD and she's 11. The one thing about the phase they are in is that overall they become moody. It's the onset of puberty and they are beginning to sort out emotions they are also having. So that added to the hormones you're taking makes for an explosive environment. My DH ex wife is interesting to say the least and my SD looks like an exact copy of her mother. My advice is to go to the meetings and speak to someone who can help you deal with your anger and discover a way to manage building back your bond with your SD. I'm not saying it will be easy but after all you have been a part of her life for almost a decade. As for the trip this summer perhaps you can go on the family vacation then you and your DH take a vacation where it's just the two of you. I have found that sometimes its good to just spend quality time together just enjoying each other. I hope this ways helpful. Good luck to you in your journey.

[Morganbaby]

Thank you for the advice...summer trip is cancelled...whew.
The family has alot of college kids and camps/summer school doesnt allow everyone on the same trip.
Relief for me!!!

Now just focus on the next invitro cycle coming up