hi all

[raz]

Just so you know, this last two years took its toll on me, and when my subscription expires in a few short days, I will not be back to fertile thoughts.
The last three miscarriages, and susequent genetic diagnosis, and the following banding procedure has just rocked me to the core. I am not emotionally able to deal with any of this anymore and I am really really bitter. I am not doing well with dealing with what life has dealt me. It doesnt help either when DH didn't keep any of his promises, so I feel bullied, lied to, and basically a worthless lump. Anyway, all this is too painful for me to even think about.
Finding out that I have a genetic anomaly that is a freak of nature and I am the only one in my family blessed with it has rocked me to the core and I really hate myself.
So I wont be back, its too painful.
If you want to drop me an email sometime, my email is jessraz4@aol.com.

Sym: I am not as strong as you think I am, I once thought I was a strong person, now all I want to do is just close my eyes and forget I ever exsisted. Theres nothing strong about knowing every waking minute that you are a freak of nature and that every miscarriage was my fault and my body's doing. I am still bitter and will probably be for a long time. I was dealt a raw deal.

Anyway i wish all well. My decision to leave has nothing to do with the people, and all to do with the pain of broken dreams and the subject matter.
~~hugs~~ to you all.

Love ya
Raz.

[trainerlady]

You have a beautiful miracle Raz....think of him. Yes, you were dealt a raw deal, but we all have in one way or another. I believe you believe in God, correct? Give your pain to Him and live for your son. Let the bitterness go or you're going to miss a whole lifetime of wonders with your son.

I'm not saying come back to FT, I'm saying let go of your anger, it will EAT YOU UP and YOU won't be the only one suffering. Your son will be too. HE NEEDS YOU.

I am talking from experience about dwelling on the "woulda shoulda couldas" it does NOTHING for the human body and those around us. You HAVE to let go of it..... and you CAN.

Good luck Raz,
I pray you can do it for your miracle.
Stacy

[Sym2]

I think of you often. I want to ask about you alot, but I know if your in hiding, you doing so bc you are dealing with stuff that is is just so hard on you. So I don't ask so I don't flare up something that is possibly getting better. Maybe that is not the support youneed, but that is why I have been so standoffish. Maybe I shuld have mimicked the very 1st paragraph written inthe FT homepage:


Infertility defined, is the inability to conceive after 1 year of unprotected intercourse, or, the inability to sustain a pregnancy. It affects as many as 1 in 5 couples at some point in their lives. Whether your journey to parenthood is long or short, the emotional impact of infertility can be devastating.

From finding the perfect doctor, to your diagnosis, onto treatment and options, insurance issues, is all very overwhelming. Having a good support system is critical to your reaching your goal. Knowing that you're not alone and talking to others who are going through the same thing you are is half the battle.

You HAVE to know you are not alone! You HAVE to remember that you HAVE conquered IF like so many of us here at FT have NOT. And you have to think always that we are here for you whenever you need us. Please don't go away thinking we are not here for you and we do not understand your pains. We do. And likewise, you can email us ANY time! I have changed my email slightly to sym200000@yahoo.ca . Put that in your address book please and email me ANY time!

With regard to the comment you made about being a freak of nature - honey - we ALL are if that is how we look atit!
1 in 5 of us are responsible in one way or another for the IF. If we look at it like it is just the odds in life we were dealt, then it is so much easier. I personally can beat up on myself too daily if I choose to, and say that I caused my own IF. I can stress the fact that all of my embies live and thrive in a dish but die inside my body.
I can relive the events that led to my one and only positive cycle thast ended on mothers day so many years ago. Heck...sometimes I hop on the ****ty train myself and beat up on myself too.
But I have to choose to live a better life than one of regret. There are soooo many things we can all regret and beat ourselves up for. Strength comes from the times we stop living for the **** and choose a better life for oursleves and our loved ones.
And I know for a FACT, that you have these times, so I know WITHOUT a doubt that you ARE a strong person!

You get up each day, you provide for your family when you'd rather be under the covers, you pick up that beautiful success story Hunter Isach and show him love each day, and you put on that brave face and go out in the world to live your life.
Whe you do this, you ARE being strong!
When you wake up, and make the best of what you were dealt, what you have achieved, and think of all the others way to improve your life, and the life of thise you love and care about, you ARE being strong!
And when you hop on the ****ty train and let regret bully you into a state of poor-me, your only doing what every other person in the world has done themselves. Your not weak bc you give in sometimes and let the crap eat you up.
Your only weak if you let it go on and on and destroy the happinesses that you do have, and I know you don't do that.
I know you appreciate that baby boy you were miraculously given each and every day, and that is a step in the right direction each and every day.

I so hoped you would have let the dream of a 2nd baby go. Not that I am about promoting giving up, but but bc sometimes there comes a time when you have to stop and smell the roses that grow in your yard, and sometimes that smells so sweet, you stop looking for more. That makes the roses you do have smell so much sweeter.

Remember this is coming from the woman who has no miracle baby, who has NOT conquered IF, and who still likes to hop on the ****ty train sometimes for a long ride. I'm not, not have I ever said youe HAVE a baby, so stop crying...but sometimes I wish I were next you so I COULD say that and then let you cry on my shoulder.

I know you fully appreciate him, and although you want more...honey...sometimes you don't get more. But sometimes you don't get what you have either. You HAVE the little man to carry you when you can't walk, even though he doesn't know how strong a guy he is to carry his mom.
Let him carry you through the bad days so you have the strength you need to carry him thru his bad days.

I always say go give him the biggest hug and many kisses, bc I think that is the key to your happiness, and I stand by that Jess.
Go hug your little man, your mini-me, and take from life, what it gave you - all the things in him you hold dear, and the sun will shine again for you.

I KNOW it will!
YOU KNOW it will!
And in the meantime, if you need a little professional councelling or even some temporary drugs to boost you out of this place and get you back to living the life you deserve, full of happiness and peace, then get those things too.
You take care of others so well, thinking only of them and their needs.
Take a year to take care of you. Make yourself the priority and get to the place you deserve to be in life. Full, content, free of guilt and regret.
Go to church - I have started going to church and I feel SOOOO good there!
I feel empowered to be more, all I can be!
Oh I sound so preachy - so sorry!
But it is true.
You need to take care of you RazBerry and you deserve it!

Please do not lose my email address. I look forward to getting a long overdue email from you and I will make it a point to check in on you even if you don't email me.

Keep your beautiful head up!
You have no reason to think poorly of yourself!

And practice this one thing for me until you do send me an email.....
Pick a word...any commonly used word...and when you hear it, stick your nose in the air a little higher, and plaster a smile across your face.
Your very blessed! Your very beautiful!
And your very deserving of the rich full life that is yours for the taking!

Keep in touch!
I MEAN it!

Love Stacey

xoxoxox (those are on the cheek btw- LOL)

[scoute]

jess,

Im so sorry for all of your pain. Stacy & Stacey had some wonderful words for you. You are not a freak in anyway. Jess, my darling precious son Jasen has autism. Everyday it is a huge challenge. Some days I just want to cry. Then, I feel guilty that Jenna isnt getting enough of my attention or Im too impatient for her. We dont know what causes autism but its thought to be genetic. Please know that you're not alone. We all go thru our pain and challenges. Im so glad you gave us your email address. Im putting it in my address book right now so I can keep in touch with you. Please keep in touch with us! I would hate to think of never hearing from you again.

Big, big hugs to you! We love and care about you! Please be very gentle with yourself.

Lisa

[GAnneB]

Although you have already been given wonderful advise. I just want to second a couple of thoughts.
Please Please remember you have a son who loves you and needs you. Sometimes you have to make a decision to let go. Refuse to think about the past, and the bad crap. Make a conscious decision to refocus your thoughts every time they wander to your regrets and sadness. It is normal to grieve, but there comes a time to move forward and choose not to let your grief overwhelm your life. You cannot let this ruin everything else! You have to make that choice. When thoughts wander to what you don't have, choose instead to think about what you do have.... a miracle to hold and love. I went through a very hard time once, when suicide was a real thought in my mind. It was really scary and awful. I made the decision that every time I was dealing with the "bad thoughts" that I would pray a prayer only to give thanks and ignore the rest. This was before my beautiful miracle. My prayers went something like this... "thank you God for my job, thank you for my mom, thank you for my dad, thank you for the sunset, thank you for my car... on and on and on.... I needed to focus my thoughts and energies on what I have! It was more than just being thankful, it trained me to refuse to think on the bad stuff. Please Raz, Get professional help. I sense that your grief is more than you can work through on your own. Do it for your son, and do it for yourself. My prayers are with you!

Love
Anne

[Hollie_Joyous]

Jess,

I am so, so sorry to hear of your pain. As you can see, we all can relate to what you are feeling. We may not have felt the same exact feelings you are feeling right now, but we have felt something similiar before. We all know how it feels like to be in despair and feel that you are worthless. Lean on us, sweetie. We are all here for you! We care about you and your health (mental and physical). Like the others, I'm not saying come back to IF. That might make things worse for you actually for awhile. But don't be afraid to ask for help-- from your family to your friends to medical professionals. When you are starting to feel that your life is worthless, go pick up your handsome little man and squeeze him tight. He is your miracle, Jess, and he needs you now more than ever. Remember that there are some people on this bb that don't have miracle babies. I am sure that it's just as hard, though, to want to have a second baby and experience IF again. IF if IF either way you look at it. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel bad for wanting another or that you shouldn't cry for the ones you cannot have; you just need to focus on the miracle that you were granted. Like Anne suggested also, when you are feeling low say a prayer of gratitude. Thank God for EVERYTHING in your life. I do this a lot! Dh will tell you that I am a very pessimistic person. If you meant me in person, you probably could never tell. But I often feel down b/c someone else is always richer, prettier, has a bigger house, is able to spoil their child(ren) like I want to Ryann, has better IL's, etc. But despite all of these things, I also have A LOT to be thankful for and when I am saying a prayer, I include every single one of them -- my loving and supportive family, my siblings, my friends, my car, my job, my health (it's not the best but it's better than some people's), EVERYTHING that I can think of to be thankful for. I plan on adding you to my address book as well and plan on keeping in touch with you. I hope you are feeling better soon Raz and that in time you will start to realize what we all know -- that you are a strong and beautiful woman that has a lot to be thankful for. There is no way in hell that you are a freak of nature! If you, we all are. At only 29 years old, I have to have a total hip replacement on my left hip. You would not believe the comments I get about that! Anyway, Jess, know that we are all here for you and that we care about you. Take care of yourself hun.