New to step-parenting

[Steph22679]

Hey girls. I have been a member of FT since last year. I was TTC to with ex-hubby for about 5 yrs. I took a break and now I'm remarried and TTC again. However, my new hubby has a daughter from his first marriage. I am having an extremely hard time accepting this. I thought with the support from you guys and time that I may be able to be more accepting of this situation. Nothing is harder everyday than to have the smack in my face by pictures of my SD in our house (I put them there but it bothers me) and hearing my mother-in-law talk about SD CONSTANTLY. In my in-laws house, they have literally 100-150 pictures of their granddaughter and ONE of their own son (my DH). Not only was I having a hard enough time dealing with infertility, now I have to get smacked in the face wtih the fact that my DH had an 'accident' at 21 yrs old and his mom is constantly in our business about how much we se SD, what we do with her, what our future plans with her are, etc. Some days are so hard for me to accept that at 21 he got a girl pregnant on accident and then married her just because of that and got taken to the cleaners over it... yet I was married to someone I truly loved for 3.5 yrs and TTC even before we got married and could never get pregnant. It's very hard to accept. SOme days I am haunted by this. I think the only thing that keeps me sane is that we only see her a couple of days a month. His mom has pushed and pushed for us to get custody of her and there's no nice way to tell her that we don't want custody! We like how things are right now. This month we were gone to Bermuda for 8 days around the time I ovulated. I spotted a little bit this past Wednesday, then went back to clear for a couple of days and spotted some more light brown/pink yesterday and had a tiny bit today. I am not due for AF until around Wednesday and I"ve never spotted between periods like that... I'm wondering if my vacation maybe is triggering AF a little sooner, but I'm still just spotting, not bleeding. I don't know what to think but I assume AF is on the way... at this point with the increased spotting I don't think I'm pregnant. I took a HPT yesterday and it was a BFN as usual... but I was only 8-9dpo. But today I just woke up crying because I am so disgusted that I can't get pregnant yet he had an 'oopsy' and knocked up a total slut (excuse my french) at 21 yrs old. I do take out my own emotional turmoil over this on him. Please offer any advice that you have. I look forward to getting to know everyone better!

[Sym2]

Ha Ha! They are ALL total sluts (pardon your frnech) aren't they??
Well, it feels better to say that anyway-LOL

First, welcome to Step Parenting.
We don't actually "do" alot od step parenting here anymore since we are mostly geezers of FT, here too long, we're stale, given up ttc, moved on, some have had their babies, but we can B* like there is NO tomorrow, so vent away about your mil, your "french" acquaintance you can't get rid of, whomever you like really. and we'll try to be responsible-like and advise on the step parenting

So your MIl is pushing your Sd in your lap.
It is nearly impossible to get a MIL to anything you desire, but it is advisable to tell her politely (at first) how you feel, how she needs to back off, stop pushing things on you faster than your ready for, and even tell her it is not healthy for the grandchild to be pushed on someone. These things will come naturally in time. At 1st I LOVED being with my step kids (I have 3), then I resented it, hated, liked it for a few years, and now, It is fairly leveled out, but it has taken years! (11 to be exact) to become comfortable with them as people, and them with me as a person they too cannot avoid so we try at least now to appreciate eachother.
(My that was entirely too optimistic for me as those who know me here can tell! LOL)

It is great that YOU hung the sd pics in your house, but don't try to move too fast in acceptance completely. It is impossible to take them down when they bother you bc that will alienate your Dh, so just move slowly. Try to keep an area of two of the house that is step child free, a place for just you, without the added stress of kid stuff around.

You will have to deal when sd comes to visit, but what helpped me initially when I was ttc and had to endure the step kids when I truly didn't WANT kids near me unless they were my own (didn't happen though), I tried to see them as the kids I was given, so i tried to do the best I could by them, and appreciate the "kids I presently had" vs dwell on the kids I wanted and was ttc.

The "Oops" that happened at 21 has ZERO bearing on you as a person. You should try to get this thought out of your head. Other peoples fertility, or accidents, or kids of any kind, have nothing to do with your ability to have children or not. Thinking of Dhs "Oops" will only harbour nasty thoughts and turn you bitter toward him and sd. Trust me. Thinking of other ppl's fertility will NOT help you. The poor me regime (we all did it, do it) is not a good place for happy healthy thoughts, which you need for a new relationship, the ttc your going thru, and the stamina you will need to endure the inlaws.
Try to think of the positive things you have vs. the things you do not yet have.
I have been here so long sometimes it feels like EVERYONE has a baby except me, but as soon as I stopped comparing my have and have nots with others, life became easier and happier. Of course, this is always a slip and fall catch. You will likely not sustain the Miss Positive attitude, but it is good to know, and go back to when you can bc this is hard.
Step parenting is difficult, emotionally draining at times, unrewarding like you cana NEVER imagine if your not a step parent, and adding IF and ttc into the mix, makes us REALLY strong ppl if it doesn't kill us.
((Just kidding on the killing us part-LOL)) It is just a horrible combination of things in life. Like sharks and seals. But love drives us in directions, and strength and committment keep us on the path. You will need pleanty off all 3, you will get some from sd, hopefully alot, but maybe not, so you have to be prepared for the stuff that could come. Step parenting is not glamourous part time motherhood, as I was silly enough to think back in the early days with Dh, and his kids were like a JOB!
Some times they still are.

Please try not to be disgusted at your IF. You certainly did NOTHING to deserve it. IF just happens. Some ppl can overcome it medically. Some cannot. But it has NOTHING to do with you. Heck...my embies would live in a petrie dish and die inside of me. That took alot to resolve in my head that it was NOT me, even though it was my body they wouldn't live/thrive in. Itis so hard not to think of it as personal, but truly it is not you, not your fault, not the EOs fault that she happened to concieve, not a reflection of you at all. It is just IF. Taking this out on your Dh will only cause problems between you, and you need strength as a couple above all else. IF can kill a relationship so hang onto eachother. Lean on eachother instead of blaming eachother. It is no-ones fault.

Re: these HPT's.
Grrrr!!! They are sooooooo bad!!!
As everyone on Ft can tell you, we have all bought tooooo many in our lives, and they never bring good things.
I have no place to talk here bc the one + hpt I had I kept in my drawyer for about 2 years! Crazy huh? I kept it so I could remember though all I went thru and remember that sacrificing my relationship and sanity was NOT worth a baby. I finally threw it out though and it was liberating to know I did.
HPT's a wicked things. They are misleading bc you want the + and if you are Pg, you are soooo newly Pg that it will not even show up, thus bringing on the negativity again.
Although it is highly impossible to do, I suggest you never buy one again!
Save your money and your sanity, and let science and nature dictate what happens when.

I also recommend trying not to think of IF and ttc while ttc. Impossible I know, but try to focus on you, things you like to do, other things you want in life.
One day, you may find you will not concieve at all, so you need to carry on with your life throughout. One day, you might concieve, so you need to carry on with your life.

Well, that is my insight into step parenting, IF, ttc, HPT's & IL's.
As I mentioned, we do more "stuff" here that step stuff, but we are always happy to see new ppl and be of anyhelp possible, even if just to listen.
There are about 6-8 of us who frequent this board (not here enough though ladies!!Grrr!)
and every one of them is fabulous!

So, welcome to Step Parenting.
Many + wishes, and we hope to get to know you better.

Regards,

[Steph22679]

Thanks for your reply, Sym! I'll reply more later, but I loved that you took all that time to reply!

[GLV]

I am a new member of FT and when I found this particular board yesterday a rush of relief washed over me. An actual message board dealing with a problem I thought was I making up. Being a step parent and dealing with IF is becoming increasingly difficult for me and I wanted make sure I responded to Steph's post because it just seems to make things a little better the more you know that you aren't the only one. Sym2, I have read and re-read your post to Steph and like her, I want to thank you for taking the time to make such a thoughtful post.

I can totally relate to the feelings associated with the "family" pictures about the house that include my SS. The latest school picture or pics of DH and SS (which by the way, I framed and displayed not knowing the pain they were going to cause me down the road) I wish I could just make disappear.

Worse yet is that SS spends half the time with us........this bright and polite kid who causes me hardly any problems can just annoy me with the slightest little thing. DH was never married to EO which in some weird way makes it worse, like because I wanted to wait and be married to the right man before trying to have a baby (first husband wasn't right so we never tried) I am somehow punished.

All this can be a bit nonsensical, but the feelings are real at the moment. Of course it always helps venting I hope this post isn't too much of a downer and I look forward to the discussions I might encounter in this group.

GLV

[Toolgirl]

And am finding a very hard time lately and you're right Sym - I've made it through to the hate stage right now! It's gotten to the point where I just want a break (we have the kids sd/ss week on week off). We are always covering extra days for the EO but my dh is too afraid of a confrontation with her when we need her to cover so our plans are always cancelled or include kids. There is no sharing of long weekends/special occasions etc and our week always seems to land on those. I used to look forward to having a long weekend off of work and now, I offer to go in for free!

AND why do we have to keep the photo's on the wall? That's not fair. The last time I re-painted the house, I never put them back up. Nothing was ever said or even noticed for that matter. I just think that I'm going through enough with IF and step parenting/EO issues that if that's one of the things that I can change to help my situation even the slightest (if you're happier, they're happier) then that's what I'm going to change. Why is it always about them and how they will feel? It's hard enough some days having them there and the extra duties that come along with them....that, I just think we are so not selfish and worry too much about how they think all the time but what about us? You have changed your whole life for them, I think they can change a few pictures for you.

Sorry, I have so much attitude right now - just fed up and tired of the situation - wish there were holidays from sparenting. I wonder sometimes what I was thinking when I married.

[Steph22679]

Toolgirl and GLV... I'm sorry for your pain I do undestand though and it's a VERY tough situation. Sym, i'm sorry I said I would reply and I never did. I have been swamped with a new job. I have been keeping up with this board though and send hugs to all the women who are struggling with stepparenting and IF. Toolgirl... how old are you? Are you going through fertility treatments with your current DH? Is some of your frustration because he could conceive with EO and not you? That is where my pain is.... How it was so easy that he accidentally knocked up his ex but we try and can't get pregnant. We did see a new RE today though and we have decided (if we get the financing) that we will go through with IVF. It already makes me feel better that there is a path for us and still some kind of hope. I know what you mean about the pictures... If that's the only thing that our DH's have to do to keep us happy after goin through all this, it's very minimal. My DH is so supportive of this, I really couldn't ask for more. He doesn't really talk about his dd around me and he allows her pics to only be in our extra room kind of tucked behind other pics so they don't stare me in the face everyday. It is still hard and I have to make myself not dwell on it or I get so pissed off inside, I take it out on DH. I'm glad we are getting some response here on the board and I hope that we can all vent to each other anytime. I look forward to staying in touch with you girls!

[Sym2]

Hi again.
There you are Steph.
I have been checking. As I mentioned, there is not alot of traffic here, but I think we all check in here and there. You can always PM anyone here too and draw our attention back to the boards. I feel like sometimes I am the one dragging ppl back here to SParenting, but then, as you can all see, life gets so involved so fast with SParenting, TTc, and just...in life in general, so...PM if your not getting a quick reply and we'll be right here.

Re: The pictures.
At first I hung any pictures of the kids I could find, mostly to show support to Dh of his kids, and make the "Family Picture" include them.
Now...After a painting remodel, I just never hung them again either.
I told Dh they didn't go with the decor.
They don't really. I hate chaos, and to me, a monochromatic scheme doesn't GO with 10 years of childish whimsey colorfull non-style.
Some days I feel like a schmuck, but honestly, I have no person pics on the walls except the wedding photo, and I scatter a few in small frames on shelves.
Try re-decorating and sliding the hidden photos under Dhs radar. If that doesn't work, tell him how it affects you to see kids all over, in person and in pics, and he'll chose the kids in person vs. on the walls.
DH's actually go thru quite a hard time with IF and ttc and the guilt they have, but of course, can never comprehend, let alone explain to a woman, is very difficult. Men just bury their emotions, or turn them into frustration and muteness vs (God forbid)....TALK about them, so if you can slide it by him (ythe pics), I'd recomend that. If not, explain.

Also, to avoid a wall(s) full of pics, maybe offer a suggestion of ONE family photo and just place it outside of your direct line of sight if it is still bothersome.

At one time, hold your breath here, I even offered to put up a pic of the EO (the EX) on the wall!
WTF was I thinking?
That the kids would appreciate it, of course, but that was very stupid I soon realized, so the kids got their own photo album, and the constant reminder came off my wall in a hurry

It's all trial and error, just don't let the trial stages of things that bother you immensely, go on too long, or it will be harder to change as time passes.

Wishing you all the best.

[Sym2]

PS - someone mentioned ages.
I am 32, Dh 37, ss 15, ss 14, sd 12
Holy crap they make me feel old since 2 were in diapers when we met!

[Toolgirl]

Hey gals!

I turned 37 this summer, been trying to conceive for just over 3 years, found out in June I have stage III endo - waiting for surgery date and have been referred to a clinic out of my province (my request) for IVF.

The biggest problem I have with the kids is the EO, of course she is and they always seem to be, losers (that's the excuse my dh gives me) so he is always making up for what he thinks is her short comings with the kids. He raises them with guilt and no discipline - he runs in circles for these 2 (they are sd 12yrs old and ss 10yrs old) instead of helping them grow up and take hold of their own responsibilities. What I don't understand is maybe he thinks she's a loser, but these kids don't realize that and she is their mother and they love her so stop making excuses for her or trying so overly hard when you have the kids! It's gotten so he runs from 7am till 9pm all week with the kids and then the next week, what I call our week, he's too tired to do anything and is complaining of not feeling well? When we all moved in together in the beginning he basically hand fed them, ok, maybe not that far but I had to tell him to back off, they can get their own drink at 6 & 8yrs old and pour their own cereal in a bowl. Now, I'm trying to teach them to look after remembering their own stuff each week so that he's not running across town every morning for their stuff and I give them choices/consequences if they forget their stuff - they don't get to go to football - they remember their stuff when you put it that way but I'm being mean to my dh. Heck, he still tucks them in and if he doesn't the sd (12 yrs) puts on the biggest pout?! Do they ever figure out that responsibilities, boundaries and normal family dynamics are what children crave?

PS - thanks for listening! hahaha - look at me go!! I notice when I'm at this stage, I can vent for hours and get worked up like crazy!!! hahaha - I'm gonna need a candy dish full of valium for the next little while!

[Hollie_Joyous]

Hi Steph, Toolgirl, and GLV!

I am so sorry that I am late with a reply, but I just wanted to say Welcome to our bb! I am always glad to see "newbies", although I wish it was under different circumstances. I wouldn't wish IF on anyone (okay, maybe the EO I would ), but it is nice to have a kind, caring, and supportive group to go through it with. One of the best things that came out of my 8 year battle with IF was this group of ladies right here. They have walked me off the edge of insanity so many times and have helped me deal with IF and sparenting on many, many occasions. I couldnt' ask for a better group of IF pals! We are all at a different point in our IF here, but we keep coming back for the friendships we have made on here. I hope you, too, find them to be a great source of knowledge and support. IF and Sparenting are two things that you should never mix, but there are some things in our life out of our control. For example, who we fall in love with... For some of us, our IF is out of our control also (ie unexplained IF). It's hard to deal with on a daily basis, especially if you watch family members and friends get pregnant so easily. I know the feeling too well! I also know how IF consumes your life and turns you into a bitter woman. You don't want to be that bitter woman, but IF has just turned into that kind of person. It sucks! I know this from experience. I hope that along with these wonderful ladies, I, too, can be a great source of support for you. I may not be ttc at the moment, but I dealt with IF for 8 years... Again, welcome!

HJ