Long pent up vent...

[GAnneB]

I really just need to get some negative stuff out of me... I hope that you all don't mind me posting this here, as I know I am a sporadic at best poster. I am just so frustrated and bitter!!
First, for the frustration...
Maybe it is the whole seven year itch or something, but I really am feeling like my husband is not at all who I thought he was and not necessarily somebody I like all the time. How can you fix such a situation?? How can I like my husband again?? In the past year I have seen such a different side of my husband. He used to be so optimistic, a really great husband and father, really fun and friendly and supportive. Now, it seems he is in a bad mood all of the time. He has a short temper and very little patience. (mind you ... never NEVER abusive verbally or physically, just prone to storm off or sulk up) He is also very negative and never seems happy. He is completely absorbed in his work to the point that he doesn't get involved in much else. Even when he comes home he spends almost all his time on the computer. I handle the kids, their activities, talk to them, make them do chores, talk to my skids family and mom and teachers and coaches and just relay info back to him. He rarely if every talks to my skids mom and never really knows what is going on with her. I don't really know what to do about it. Anyone here who has had a similar problem surely can understand how hard it is to reach out to someone and give them more love to try and heal a relationship when you really can't stand them half of the time. I try to be understanding and loving, but often feel that selfish regret of reaching out to someone who so often makes me feel angry, hurt or disappointed. SOOOOO, any advise??? I brought up counseling before, but that did not go over well. He is one of those people who sees everything as my problem or issues not his.

Okay, now my second big vent.
I am very hurt, angry and bitter towards my step-daughters. For those who don't know me...I have a good relationship with my SDs who are 12 and 11. I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 3. They love me, and I love them. We have never had any big issues. I get along well with their mom. We are friendly and mutually supportive. No issues their. My bitterness stems from this...
Their mom has been very sick the past year and a couple of months. She has spent almost a whole year in the hospital. Only come home for a couple of days or weeks here or there. My husband and I work hard to provide them with a good life. They have their own very nice rooms at our house. Even though their schools and activities are 30 minutes away, we have not changed anything in their lives this year. We drive them across town for school and soccer and dance and friends etc. We take them the hour and half trip to visit their mom in the hospital. Maintain contact with their other family and let them see them on a regular basis. We have their friends over, we are active in their school, we have continued to pay support to their mom to try and give them more security and fun with her when she is out of the hospital. We try very hard. I work my self like crazy trying to take care of them. SO, here is the issue. They never seem to want to come over. Just last week their mom got sick and went back to the hospital and they didn't call for four days. They have been staying with their grandpa and say they want to stay there for the next week. I am hurt and angry. Even understanding that he is "more fun" and much more permissive than us (sleepovers on weeknights, etc.) I don't understand how they could not want to see their dad and brother (and me). It is hard to continue to try so hard for two kids who don't seem to appreciate it or even want it. I just want to quit trying. I want to yell at them, at their grandfather for promoting this behavior, and to just wash my hands of them. I don't want them hurting my son, or my husband or me. They seem to self centered to even care about being part of their brothers life. I have talked to them about this many times and asked them to understand how much it hurts their dad and me and will hurt their brother in the future, but they just don't care. How do you forgive someone who doesn't seem to care that they hurt you? How do you forgive selfishness? I am so hurt, so angry and so BITTER!
Help!
Anne

[nicole]

Ok, I'm going to say the same psychobabble stuff my old therapist said to me: What you choose to do for your skids, that is YOUR responsibility to handle and you have to deal with it. You CHOOSE to take them, you CHOOSE to keep things status quo. It's a choice. Why? Because they are NOT your responsibility. They are your dh and bm's. You have to own up to what choices you are making and just can't, well not complain, but really have the baggage for something you are choosing to do. Would these kids fall over and die if you did not do all of these things? Hell no. If you did NOT do the things you do to "keep it together" for them, would they die? Be emotionally scarred for life? Never be able to get through the day? NO NO NO!!! Darling, you can be like Nancy Regan and JUST SAY NO!! They would live and be just FINE.

So, first step...what you choose to do take that responsibility, own up to, and be at a place of peaceful acceptance. This is the HARDest thing I ever did. I am finally at a place where I DISENGAGE and I *love* it. If my sd doesn't do something, oh well -NOT MY PROBLEM. Now if *I* do something for her, I don't blame her or get mad. I do not get resentful. I do things I WANT to do and do for her because I want to. There isn't the pressure of anything else. Everything else I leave up to her mom and dad (poor kid -she'll be in therapy for awhile as an adult, but hell we all are). It takes awhile to be comfortable with this step. As women we want to nurture the children, do what is RIGHT, and do what is best. But when we get resentful, it's time to stop before it ruins relationships (like with the step dds). You have your own self and son to take care of as well.

Second, WTF is up with the child support? I would be *very* pissed and quite frankly y'all set yourselves up for that one. After all of this time it's ridiculous that you did that. I'd brow beat my dh for that one for certain! Doesn't mean it has to be permanent, but good grief, it's insane.

I wonder if your dh is sick of all of the added stress the girls sitch has added in your lives. It is hard going from one baby to three kids, two of whom are preteen girls (lord have mercy). Most likely you aren't there in the capacity as before (who is when there are kids in the house?). But if your dh is being a schmuck and neglecting you, time to get yourself into counseling to learn how to deal with him. His cold front is causing you to question things and feel like there are problems. He won't go? So you go. He's making his choice, he is choosing not to be a part of the girls and your life right now. Who knows why... Maybe you need to start putting this stuff back on him. Girls need to go to dance? Make him do it or you all stay at home. They want something and ask you? Do what I do "go ask your dad" (which fyi my sd hates because she knows her dad will just ask me and then go with whatever I say -but it puts it off ME if that makes sense). Make HIM be more responsible for his own kids so you can be mentally happier. My dh also has a short fuse and little patience with my sd, quite frankly that is HIS problem and also it is THEIR relationship NOT MINE. You have to stop owning HIS STUFF. This is HIS STUFF, not yours!!! When he gets pissy with the girls, well let him. IT's not YOUR relationship that is in jeapardy. It's theirs. I do make comments "you see rather frustrated, impatient, etc." when he acts that way with sd. But that's it. He stops around and acts like a tantrum throwing 3 or 4 year old? Not my problem -he is trying to be manipulative. Whatever!!! Skids aren't doing their chores? Well, DO NOT DO THEM! Make your dh responsible for what gets done then. Casually say when he asks "oh, sd 12 didn't do her chores" and WALK AWAY.

As for your sds, well let them be with grandpa. Of course it is more fun! But there is less stress for you!!!! Less running around!! Yeah you don't have as much control as you'd like, but at least you don't have to DO IT for a few days. And until they are in their mid twenties forget about them being considerate towards you & your son. PBBBTTTT!!!!!! Teen age girls/boys are not known for their generosity! Preteens can be just as bad! Don't take it personally. Be glad for a bit of alone time. Let their gpa handle it.

I'll type more later. Ethan is crying to be held.

hugs