Why do people think having skids takes the place of having your own kids? (pg ment)

[Calamity4e]

My best GF is recently PG. It took her a whole 2 months , DH and I are almost on our 15 month. I can feel AF knocking to put a close to the 14 month.

DH has low sperm and I have high FSH. I have explained all this to best GF. She lives out of state and is coming to stay with another friend of ours tonight. The three of us planned to go to church tomorrow and then lunch. I was feeling apprehensive about the visit. I sent best GF the following email:

"Hi A,

This is a hard email to write because I don't want to upset you or make you feel that I don't care about and love-- because I do and that will not ever change.

It is just really hard for me to not to be pregnant when you are (and everyone else in DH's family for that matter). I am very happy for you but at the same time I am unhappy. Sometimes I am angry and other times I feel guilty for not feeling completely happy for everyone else. It is very confusing.

DH I will have to do invitro fertilization and there is a very good possibility that my eggs are no longer good enough so that we will have to use an egg donor.

Most doctors would not even try to do invitro with
the results my tests have produced unless it was with an egg donor. My docotr wants to give it a try with my eggs despite the poor test results. The odds are really against it though. The invitro process itself is very invasive and involves a lot of shots, extracting eggs, etc.

I just wanted to send this to you before this weekend. I am very happy for you and everyone else. But it is somewhat bittersweet when I have been trying for 15 months and everyone around me is getting pg so
easily. And I am glad-- I wouldn't want people I care about to have to deal with infertility.

It robs you of a lot-- other than the obvious, it also robs you of the ability to feel as happy and excited as you want to and as you would normally feel when others you love get pg.

I have heard a lot of stories about how infertility has destroyed friendships and family relationships-- I don't want that to happen.

I hope you understand and are not upset with me.

I love you,
Calamity"

Here is her repsonse. My comments and feelings toward what she wrote are in [ ].

"Dear Calamity,

"I want you to know that nothing will ever change our friendship, ever. You have to believe that.

[So far so good].

Then I also wanted to ask you to not despair, you know that sometimes things take time and that may also be the case with the pregnancy for you. You have been very very focused on that for a long time and that sometimes adds stress to things . . .

[this is true]

that is beyond the stress you already have in your life - and you, especially, have a lot with everything that has been going on with you in the last year - buying a house, getting married and dealing with step-motherhood since it was new to you, worrying about getting funded and get to teach, getting a new job, and, on top of it all, trying to finish up your dissertation! That is a lot on your plate and I don't really see when you really have been settled and not under pressure in this time period that you have been trying to get pregnant.

[So, women need to quit living their life in order to get pg? Should I quit my dissertation and give up getting a Ph.D.? Would that REALLY help me to get pg? Because if it is REALLY that easy-- I'll do it! None of these things have or are stressing me out. I like my job, it is good, I am not stressed working. I am not stressed working on my dissertation-- it is coming along- a little slower than I'd like, but I'm not stressed about it.

Stress is not the cause of infertility-- infertility is often the cause of not really stress so much as it is the cause of depression. I might be a little depressed-- but I sleep normally, I'm focused on my job and dissertation when I need to be, I exercise as usual, I treat myself sometimes, I do mindful walks and image visions etc.]

I know that the tests were not stellar, but I still believe that if your body and mind would be at rest then things would start to be different.

[Now she is the :doctor:-- if I settle down and rest more I'll get pg].

Most of all, as I said, do not despair and try to not make this thing as the focal (negative) thing in your life.

[I try not to make it the focal point of my life and it is easiest for me to do that when I am not around pg women or babies].

You have a loving husband, you have loving friends and you need to concentrate on those positive aspects. You even have a new family, altogether

[Now it gets REALLY GOOD].

Maybe you are not very close to skids quite yet, but I think you should think about the fact that they can be fulfilling your own life, not only his. They are adorable, they are smart and cute and well behaved, DH takes good care of them and is a great father, you could enjoy that part of your life, even embrace it.

[THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS! I AM NOT THEIR MOM!
So, the skids are my CONSOLATION PRIZE??!!!! Here Calamity-- you can't get pg and have your own baby, so just make due and be happy with the kids that DH had with his psycho Ex-wife -- the kids that no matter how well you get along with-- no matter how much you do for them-- will never think of you as much more than something of the nature of a fun Aunt. Just be happy with that.]

I may not know much about these things from experience, but I think that this is good advice.

[No you don't know much and you shouldn't be giving advice-- just support. I love best GF, but right now I think she is the biggest dumb @ss there is!]

Concentrate on the goods in your life, not on the bads or the challenging. You will try the fertilization, there is adoption also, you will be able to have a connection with a child as you wish to. You will be a great Mom, no matter how exactly that child will come into your life. There are many ways in the times we live in. I know it's tough and also very strenuous and you think that it is unfair, but you need to keep positive...don't be angry. Anger only destroys and makes you bitter.

[Wanna know what else makes me and bitter? Your dumb @ss comments! And NO! you really don't understand! So quit saying you do!]

I hope I helped and not made it worse.
[Well, you did make it worse.].

I will always be here for you with whatever you would need. I understand and always will

[No! You don't understand and you shouldn't say that you do].

I love you. [sigh]

A"

I know she means well, but insert irked face here that has tears and is breathing fire.

How do I deal with her-- or should I just avoid her? Why do people say they understand when they don't? Why do they offer advice when they don't know what they are talking about?

[Sym]

Calamity.

Oh my.
I recognize this post well.
My heart aches for yours.
I wish I could hand you you a pillow thru the monitor, so that you could smash it of the walls to let out your frustrations and and vent your pain, and then curl up into it and cry your heart out.
You have to let out some of this pain before you can even begin to hear what your going to hear from alot of people in the near future.
Picture yourself as a kettle full of water. When it boils on the burner, and it is left there without the top being lifted off to vent, or without someone to turn it off, the steam is forced out the top. It starts with a squeak, then a scream. If you don't release the pressure inside, it will soon start to make that wretched screatching sound and spit scalding water all around. As much pain and damage as the spitting boiling water causes to touch, think about the water still left trapped inside the kettle.
If the top were to burst, everything around it would suffer horribly. The pain your letting squeak out is the steam. The real pain is the water left inside, and you NEED to lift the top!
All the way off!
Yes, when you lift the lid, it will look like all hell is breaking loose.
But it WILL subside when you turn off the burner!

Yes, this sounds stupid, and I understand your thinking right now, I am a moron. That's OK.
Everyone is a moron right now. No-one knows a thing. No one has the answers or knows HOW bad your feeling, and no-one can relate either. The world is so unfair and it's not just IF. Nothing is working out right for you right now.
I'll even wager that you can't even focus long enough to try to band-aid the small things back together. Your feeling like a failure in everything, your world is starting to fall apart and there seems to be nothing you can do to fix it.
Not quite here yet??
It;s coming.
It has to.

This is the gut wrenching part of IF that no-one can quite put clearly enough into a book. This is the part that no Dr, or reading or even 1st hand experience can portray to a person who is new to IF.
Had I known then (back when I was ttc), just what THIS felt like, I don't know if I would have pursued it. I am a VERY strong person. I think I have more emotional stamina for pain and frustration than alot of ppl. I think I can "handle" more than the next person from all the semi-difficult things I have already been thru in my life, but you know what Calamity???
IF beat me.
It beat my face into the ground time and time again. I kept getting up, but I didn't brush myself off. I kept sprinting to the finish line, but I didn't pace myself or stop for water. I bulldozed IF for as long as I could stand, and then one day I just dropped from the emotional exhaustion of it.

How was this happening??
Why wasn't it working??
Why did everyone else seem to be getting Pg?
Why did ppl keep saying stupid things to me that just made it all worse??
Why ME???

I know exactly where you are!
And what path your facing.
Unfortunately, if you just turn around and look in the right direction, and start off again, the same thing will happen again.
You need to brush yourself off. You need to lift the top on the screaming kettle, and let the boiling subside or it is going to explode and burn everything in its way.
Yes, I DO know what I am talking about, I am NOT exagerating, and it CAN happen to you!
Don't try to further fool yourself right now. Not now, when your trying so hard to let yourself hear the reality of it all.

I read your friends letter twice. I disected every sentence of it, looking for some part of it that might have even resembled a freind that didn't mean well, that wasn't trying to understand your feelings, that wasn't trying to cope with watching her best GF suffer and not knowing what to do to help her.
I didn't see any of that.
You see what she (and other non-IF sufferers) say as painfull additions to your existing pain, b/c you are right smack in the middle of the pain right now. The things they say sound so stupid, and hurt more. You start to resent their comments b/c you only see them as the pain they further cause you, instead of as the un-educated hand that is trying so hard to hold yours right now.

I can see your friend trying to reach out to you. She likely is seeing you in a light that you can't see yourself. She sees exactly what I do, only so much cleare b/c she is your freind and loves you. The only reason, any of what I can say, can be absorbed by you, is that I have suffered IF. So, in the distorted mess that IF causes in ppls minds, you see me as a person who is trying to help you, and you accept my comments at face value, wheras you can't see your friends comments like that, b/c she doesn't UNDERSTAND!

Well hunny...Be thankfull that she doesn't HAVE to understand!
You don't want your best GF to understand like we do b/c that would means she would be right next you fighting IF, and no-one wishes that on a friend.
She can't understand 100% of what you need.
She knows this too. She says things to you that are meant to be helpfull. She probably took an hour to reply to your letter just to try NOT to hurt you with her lack of knowledge. She is trying, and she is thinking of the future for you as well. She is not thinking of step children as a consolation prize, but as a possible reality that might just be yours. Your step children may well BE the only kids you have, and I think your friend is trying to brace you for this possibiliy. I see that she is indeed a best GF and trying to reach out to you.
You need to reach out too.
You'll likely not be able to discuss IF with her, but you can cry on her shoulder, scream and hollar and curse all that is unfair in her presence, and know that she will still love you after it all.
She won't understand any better how to make you feel better with her words, but then, I have found that with IF, alot of the healing needed to cope with IF, is not found in words.

I'd highly recommend you get a support group in your area, or a councellor to let out the pressure inside your head and your heart. There is also the huge benefit of pressure relief found in excercise. If you have a treadmill, or a punching bag, those things work quickly to release mass amounts of tention and pressure b/c they are not controlled like say a workout class. There is also the benefit of scheduled excercise. A weekly (or whatever) set time that your body and brain will come to be used to and look forward to. Kind of like....((Brain)) "I know I am pounding right now with the stresses of the week, but on friday (or whenever), I know I will get a little relief when my body can vent some tention in an aerobic class."
You can keep boiling the same pot of water over and over again , but you have to let it cool down btween boils, otherwise, it boils faster and faster each time.

Call your friend. Don't leave room for mis-interpretation with words on an e-mail. Talk to her, give her reading info on IF. Give her the FT address to read other ppls experiences so she has the tools she needs to better understand you.
She wants to know how deep you hurt, and how not to add to it. She wants to say the right thing, but knows she likely won't, but can't say nothing at all.
She can help you in many ways that we at FT can't.
We can help b/c we recognize your wounds.
But your friends/family are the homecare/aftercare, the ppl who can nurse your broken heart.

IF can tear through a persons life, leaving nothing left of it.
In the end...You may well never be a biological mother.
But you don't have to lose everything else along the way.

Keep hold of the good things you do have. Yes...stay positive about those things, and be so well rounded that if in one area of life, you are never fulfilled, it doesn't mean that that you do not have a fulfilling life.

Come back anytime Calamity.
I hope I have scared you into seeing where this could go, as well as shed some light so that you can see the end of the tunnel.

Wishing you inner peace in your journeys,
Stacey

[HollieJoy]

Calamity,

I don't even know where to begin with this post... Your post brought back so many memories and feelings for me. Like Sym, I recognize it well. I also know that there aren't any words right now that are going to make any of this better and that if I say anything about your GF, it's going to look like I am defending her. I know this because I have been through this! Everyone deals with the same situation differently, so all I can tell you about is my experience and hope that it helps you in some way; even if that is by knowing that there is someone else out there that has felt and experienced what you are going through right now. I know first hand what IF does to a person and to their relationships with family and friends. I know how destructive it can be if it consumes you and let's be honest here - how can it not?? I know the toll it takes on a person's self esteem and self worth. I know the pain of hearing GF's announce their pregnancy and the guilt associated with not being able to be 100% happy for them... My heart aches for you and I so wish that you didn't have to deal with any of this. I wish we had met under different circumstances, but like you have said - life isn't fair.. So here we are, trying to make sense out of the same situation and trying to find a balance in our lives. Not easy, is it? I know you are upset with your GF right now, but please don't let IF ruin your friendship with her. She seems like she is trying to understand and like Sym said, she is just uneducated. Educate her! During my 8 years of dealing with IF, I pushed away many friends b/c they achieved pregnancy before I did and although I strived for the same, I was too selfish to reach out to them. I assumed it would be easier to push them away and isolate myself from their pregnancies and eventually their children. I miss their friendship to this day, but I am too stubborn to admit that I was wrong and that I was selfish. My pride gets in the way. Let your GF be the one that you can turn to when you are feeling at your complete lowest, when you feel as if the world is against you, when you feel that IF has beaten you down (there will be days if there hasn't been already)... You need someone to vent to and be honest with. If she is capable of handling that, let her be the one. She might not be the friend that you can turn to about IF, but you have to have at least one friend that you can be completely honest with about your feelings and emotions. Find her/him. You're going to need that shoulder to cry on, that ear to gripe to. Don't let IF ruin the other relationships that you have in your life, as well. Don't let IF be the reason why you can't get close to your skids. You're right - they will never be your own, but that doesn't mean that you can't be a source of inspiration to them. You don't have to love them - you choose to love them. They will not fill that void, but let them be a source of joy to you. I know how hard that can be and I know how they are constant reminders of what you don't have yet with dh. I know all of this!! But they are innocent. I wish I had remembered all of this when I was married and dealing with my ss. It's all things that I have come to see that I did wrong when I was married. I let IF consume so much of my life and I couldn't find a balance. I felt as if b/c I didn't have a child, I wasn't as loved or as important as my siblings with children... I felt that my dh didn't love me as much as he loved his ex b/c he had a child with her. IF absolutely broke me down. I admit defeat from it. It's one of the reasons why my marriage fell apart. It tore dh and I in different directions and we could never feel the same way about it at the same time. I couldn't get the past the fact that I may not have a child with him and someone else did. And it also became obvious to me (or I finally opened my eyes anyway) that he didn't feel the same about having a baby as I did. It was devastating to our marriage. There's other reasons why it fell apart and IF was one of the major ones.

I hope that you are able to talk to your GF about your e-mail before her visit and that you can express to her your feelings and how her e-mail made you feel. Be honest with her. She appears to be trying and she does have good intentions. It's hard for her to understand b/c she hasn't had to deal with IF, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want you to succeed at having a family. Her advice is well meaning and she is trying the best that she can with the information that she has. I hope you don't think I am defending her b/c I am not. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I made. I pray that your IF journey is over soon and that you will not have to endure well meaning advice for longer than you have to. I wish I had a magic wand to wave over this bb to make all of us pregnant. I hope my e-mail has helped you in some way. Please feel free to come here and vent, cry whenever you need to. We are always here and we all know the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. We may be on different levels on this IF journey, but none of us have forgotten what it feels like to experience it.

((HUGS)),
HollieJoy