Anyone else out there? (very long)

[mygirlmomma]

Okay, I am not sure if I am the ONLY person single and pregnant on the boards since no one has posted since June, but I need a vent that only a single pg woman can understand.

I divorced my ex about one year ago after 13 years of infidelity and dishonesty. Finally had enough. The thing is, when it was good, I really like him. He is silly, and down to earth, and non-assuming and I can really be myself with him in a way that I have not been able to with anyone else since. But when it is bad, which it was most of that 13 years, it is horrible.

Anyway, we both move on, he has had several other women since we divorced, and after 8 months, I finally put a profile on an on line dating service, and meet someone in my area. Date for a couple of weeks, and then the first time we have sex, I get PG. (my ex could not have children of his own and my DD conceived during our marriage was a result of IUI with donor sperm.) How ironic is that? Turns out the guy I was seeing is not really as good a person as his profile made him out to be, and I was really gullable to take it at face value anyway.

Long story, I know.

So my ex has been very emotional since I got PG and started saying how much he wanted to be the father figure in this babies life, and how he would come back to me in a heart-beat (dumping the girl he has been with for over 5 months now) if I would just give him the chance. I tell him no, would not work. Well, the farther I get in this thing all by myself, the more vulnerable I feel. I just want to be a family, not a single unwed mother who must look either totally slutty to the outside world, or totally stupid. Not me, either way. I want to raise my children the way my parents raised me (married for over 50 years with 19 g-kids and a legacy!)

So I think to myself, maybe....if we got counseling and changed the rules a little bit......my daughter would be so much better off, and so would this baby. I decide to talk to him about it, and now he says, three days later, that I have left HIM an emotional basket-case, because he feels like he is torn between the girl he is with now, and having his family back! WTF??????
He is sure he would never be able to make me happy, but he doesn't want to feel like he is hurting me again by telling me he does not want to try. Am I crazy here??????? I must be completely nuts, or at least I am about to be!!

I realize I am hormonal and vulnerable, but I feel like he is about to make me loose my mind! Why do I even let him get to me like that? Why did I even believe him in the first place when he said he would give anything to be with me?

Okay ladies, if in fact there are any of you out there, help me out here!!
(and believe me, I already know I made a BIG mistake talking to him at all.)

[Nenmom]

Mygirl,
I don't fall into the single catagory, but I wanted to offer my support to you. You are in a really tough situation and I wish you all the best. If you don't get any responses here since it seems to be so slow, I would offer my shoulder to lean on and advice if you would like it. If not, I understand completely. Best of luck to you.

[mygirlmomma]

Nenmom

Thanks for your support. Some days are more "challenging" than others. I am doing much better now, and feel like I am back on track. It is nice having a place to vent instead of keeping it all bottled up. KWIM?

[Nenmom]

I hear ya! I'm around somewhere on FT every day, so if ya need to talk, just give me a yell.

[lablover2]

My girl,

I'm not in your situation but have had a good friend who was in a similar situation. The most important thing for you to figure out is what is best for your BABY....whether you want it to have a father or not. And if you want it to have a father, then you must decide whether it will be the biological father or someone else (such as your ex, or maybe a future husband who would adopt your child). You didn't mention whether you have told the biological father, and I am not saying that you are obligated to do so. But I would suggest that if you decide that you do NOT want that man to be a part of yours and your child's life, that you make that decision before the child is born and stick to it forever. I've seen women who decide that and then years later they decide they want some money and go after child support, which they are legally entitled to, but not too fair to some poor guy who finds out for the first time that he has a child when they are 2,3,5 or 10 years old (kind of hard for them to have a real relationship & very sad!). I'm an attorney and I've seen things like this ruin a child's life, as well as a biological father who was none the wiser.

I can only imagine how scared you are in your current situation, but I would hate for you to only get back with your ex so that he could help you out with the baby or so the baby would be "legitimate." I would not be worried about that and what anyone else thinks--- times have definitely changed and being a single mom with a child out of wedlock would NOT make you slutty. Everyone slips up and makes mistakes--- but it sounds like this "mistake" is your miracle baby and happened for a reason! So focus on that. Furthermore, it sounds like you have 13 years worth of reasons to stay away from your ex. But I don't know you, your history together and I'm not a professional therapist. As such, I would suggest you seek counseling from a licensided psychologist who can help you through this difficult time. I would not suggest relying on advice of family members--- they are the worst, as they are always biased and have some interest in the situation. At least that's always been my experience. LOL.

Good luck to you. I have full faith that you will make the right decision. Don't forget, you are STRONG and will get through this.

[mygirlmomma]

The biological father has been informed of the PG since the first test. We are not together because he was very angry that I would not have an abortion, even though when we had sex, he lied to me when he told me he was putting on a condom. ( I discovered I was PG when I went to see my OB about getting on the pill. Remember, I went 13 years without ever needing to consider any form of BC.) I have made every effort for the sake of my child to bring him (the bio dad) into this situation, and still do, but for him, it is not a priority, I guess. I would never "spring" a child on an unknowing father several years down the line, nor would I keep it a secret for the rest of my life. I believe strongly that the best gift I can give to my children is the truth. Child support has nothing to do with it. Secrets destroy lives, plain and simple, IMHO.

As for making this child "legitimate", that was not my intention when considering getting together again with my Ex. I am not ashamed of myself, this baby, or my family, such as it is. But lets face it, in a very religious culture such as the one I grew up in and the state in which I reside, (Utah) assumptions are still made, whether times are changing or not. As I said in my post, when it was good with my ex, it was very good, and I think wanting support from someone who knows you better than anyone on this earth, at this time, rather than going it alone, is a natural, albeit ill-conceived, reaction. Vulnerability got the best of me. And the truth is, he has always been the most wonderful father to our daughter, and like this child, she is not his bio-child either. I know his capacity to love a child, and take it into his heart as if it was created there. Great dad, lousy husband.

I thank you for your support, and assure you I have my head on very straight. As a single mother in my situation, I do need to vent from time to time, and appreciate this forum in which I am allowed to do just that.

BTW - While I am not an attorney, a good friend of mine is. I helped him set up his practice when he decided to go it alone. I too have heard some horrible stories of how secrets, intentional or otherwise can ruin the life of the mother, child or father. It does, quite assuredly work in both directions. While it seems to be that neglectful fathers pull most of the media attention in regards to this situation, I am very award of the flip-side of the coin so to speak.

Thanks again for your response.

[libra72]

Mygirl,

Sounds to me like you have your head on very straight as you said. Being vulnerable is not a crime. It happens to all of us married and single.

A brief histroy on me and my marriage: 15 years together, three children out of wedlock one in and another on the way. We came from a long and very bumpy road that included infidelity, dishonesty, many separations, counseling, meds. . .you name it! The only thing that worked for us was Impact Training. It's located in Utah (of all places) and it litterally changed our lives.

We went to the trainings separately, as we were separated at the time preparing for divorce and after just four days of training, I knew we would mend our marriage and work things out and that's exactly what we've done! There's a lot of details I've left out for the sake of time and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX But just when I thought nothing could assist us in healing our relationship ( I wasn't even going to the trainings with that in mind) we both experienced a miracle! you can too, be it for yourself as a single woman or if this is something you want to mention to your ex.

I know how it feels to be pg and alone. i know how it feels to be a single mom in today's world. It's not anything I would wish upon anyone. I also know that there are no accidents and everything has it's purpose. We are here on this earth to learn form our experiences and what a strong and powerful woman you are to have such a learning opportunity ahead of you! Women are strong and wise. I get that from you. Whatever your choice will be, it will be the perfect choice for you! you have all your answers! Take a look at the Impact trainings website. send me a private message if you're interested in more info or if you feel like talking to someone who's walked in your shoes.

The best thing you can give your children is love and it seems to me that they are already receiving that from you! Keep up the good work!

Love and blessings,
Patty

www.impacttrainings.com

PS. this is in Utah but it is NOT affiliated with any religion at all! it is great!

[lablover2]

Mygirl,

It sounds like Patty has some good insight for you! And it sounds like the impact training would be something positive for you and/or your ex to look into, whether together or separately.

By the way, if I offended you or made you feel worse about the situation by my initial response (hopefully I didn't), I sincerely apologize-- not my intention at all. Not knowing the whole story and with the limited facts I had, I was trying to give you as much support and advice as I could regarding different aspects of your situation. Anyway, after knowing more, it sounds like you have done everything that you can do and that you're only decision is whether you want to try to work things out with your ex. As such, my only advice would be the same advice that I gave you at the end of my initial response--- to seek professional counseling. I have gone through a divorce myself after being with my ex husband for about as long as you were with yours. It was VERY difficult to no longer be with someone I had considered my best friend for so long and there were many vulnerable times that we considered getting back together. My counselor even told me that almost 50% of people who divorce actually get back together and remarry--- so you just never know. My only suggestion is if you do decide to get back together to make sure it's for YOU, for the right reasons and not because you're concerned with how people would think of you (i.e. your comment about being slutty, etc.) I know what you're talking about with being from a conservative state--- I'm from the very conservative DEEP South and can totally relate. But I think MOST people would respect you and think you are a STRONG woman for raising a child as a single mom. I know I do.

Good luck to you and best wishes.

[Besttwins]

I'm a single mother of 4.5 year old twins. While I conceived them through anon. donor sperm, I was in a complicated relationship for the first two years of their lives. I will tell you that in my experience it is much easier to parent alone than with someone who has repeatedly disappointed you (and sounds like he could do so again in the future). Without the complications of the emotions from that relationship, you will be freed up to focus more on your children. My guess is that you will surprise yourself at how well you can do this on your own. It's nice that your ex is a good father, and perhaps down the line he will be a nice role model for your new baby.

Finally, I will tell you that your baby will be born legitimate as long as he/she is born to a loving mother.... even if you do live in Utah.

Good luck. Be strong.

[mygirlmomma]

Thanks ladies for your response. After having more conversations with my ex, and getting some emotional strength back (although with these hormones there is no telling how long it will last) I am in a much better place. I know I am strong, I always have been able to take care of myself and I will continue to do just that. I have been on my own with my dd for almost a year now, and in that time I have managed to buy my first home, renovate it, and end up with a pretty well adjusted and happy 7 year old. (As a matter of fact, I actually think she is much better now than when I was married.) I am not the kind of person who makes stupid decisions, usually takes me forever to make one, and I think this unexpected PG is really throwing me off kilter in regards to trusting my own judgement. What I am realizing, is that all things in life happen for a reason, and what is meant to be, will happen no matter how. This baby was meant to be MY baby, and my daughter as well. Of that I am 100% certain. Now... my abilities at dating and finding a good person to be with, have most certainly left plenty of room for improvement, lol, but even then, I may just be better off alone. (Yes, even in Utah, lol!!!)

Thanks again ladies, and happy PG's!