Divorcing, older, and feeling hopeless

[Singlehope]

Hi, I've been in the process of divorce for over a year. I had also recently broken up with a man I had been dating who basically told me he was not ready for kids and my being too old put pressure on him. He was younger than me and fully has the right to keep looking if he wants biological children. But this whole situation has put me into a crisis. I have no prospective mate, I'm going on 37 this summer, have no money since my ex husband left me in a ton of debt for artificial insemination to do this alone, and now I'm facing this thing where I have to tell potential dates that I may not be able to give them children in their time table. This has turned my world upside down, and I'm grieving my losing fertility and the impact it's having on my dating life. I'm hoping to hear stories about how other singles are coping, and I guess to feel not so alone in this. Thanks for taking time to read.

Sonya

[greengirl]

Hey Sonya, I'm so sorry! Here's my advice...

1) Talk with an RE or OBGYN and see where your fertility is now, some women are able to have children into their mid-40s and some women (like me) have problems creep up in their early 30s... every body is different, see where you actually stand before deciding that it's too late.

2) There are two major organizations for Choice Mom's or SMC's... ChoiceMoms.org is run by Mikki Morrissette who also wrote an amazing book to help women who are working their way through the decision and process of conceiving or adopting, and Singlemothersbychoice.com is run by the national group of the same name and has similar information but for a fee. I also read several books when I was going through the thinking phase... "Knock Yourself Up" is hilarious, and then I read the two seminel books on the topic (by the founders of the organizations mentioned above) "Single Mothers by Choice" and "Choosing Single Motherhood".

3) Even though I know it's hard, ignore the clanging of your time clock for a few months while you just think and plan. The process is somewhat stressful without mixing it in with the stress of a divorce and the greiving you're doing for your 'Plan A'. You will have a happier and easier conception, pregnancy, and birth if you allow yourself to get into the right place first. It will wait a little longer for you to get there.

4) This is important... If you just can't see yourself as an SMC, imagine yourself as an adoptive parent after you've found your life-mate... There and many ways to get to the same result, you have to decide which ones you can live with.

Welcome, and best wishes!
Beth

[Singlehope]

Thanks for your reply. I will definitely be checking out some of these resources. I think my biggest obstacle, besides being single with no prospective relationship, is financial. Because of my divorce I was left with incredible debt. I opted to do debt settlement which will destroy my credit for three years until the debts are settled. During this time I will not be able to get a loan for anything. So that pushes my options out the window for a good time frame of my reproductive schedule for certain options financially. Not much I can do about it. I know things happen for a reason, it's just dealing with the emotional loss that's killing me right now. Loss of hope for a natural child, and loss of love period. It was a double whammy. I'm getting prayer and support at my church, and I'm doing my best to just leave it in God's hands. But those things are never easy. Again thank you for your wonderful reply.

[Danasingle]

Hi Sonya!


I've been a board member for 10 years, though I have not posted much on this board in the last few.

Beth has made an EXCELLENT suggestion about getting tested to see where you fertility is at now.

IF (and this is huge!) It is possible to do low stim (ie clomid or femara) cycles of DIUI affordably.

If you are on the fence, it is possible to make nutrition and lifestyle choices, just in case you decide to try on your own. Some of these changes are best started 4-12 months before ttc.

Hugs on your bruised heart. I've been partly in your shoes and it is why I decided to stop 'waiting' for someone who said they were 'not ready yet'.

Dana Single
SMBC

[greengirl]

Also, what I've noticed from my other SMC boards is that if you don't need IF treatments, you can actually do the 'turkey baster' method at home and that saves tons of money... the only expense would be the sperm specimen and any home remedy you choose to follow. There are several women on the choicemom.org board that did that successfully in their late 30s/early 40s. Also, I sat down with a financial counselor (non-profit group in my neighborhood) and looked at what I could do to make this happen for me and prepare for the expenses of having a child (or two) down the road. It may not make it possible now, but it might help you to prepare for it in the next few years... and preparing for better times is so much more fulfilling than waiting for things to get better.

Hugs!

Beth

[Danasingle]

I agree with Beth. I've cycled with women who conceived via ICI at home.

Dana