Chris (child and m/c ment'd)

[Danasingle]

Chris, I am so sorry this cycle was not it. Especially having your hopes raised by your temps. You are right, when it comes to having children, 'fairness' does not apply.

I'm going to pass along my thoughts. Not advice, because YOU are in charge of what you are doing.

What to do now......hmmmmmm. Firstly, I empathize with your feeling blue and like 'I will never be a Mom'. It hurts. I cannot imagine having the strength to work with small children. Wow! I want to acknowledge your courage in facing that bittersweet joy each workday. I have been told many times in my life I am strong, but I would not have been able to deal with that before I delivered Ruby.

Secondly. You say you might try again in April. Will you try again with your own eggs? Or with donor eggs?

How do you feel about using donor eggs? It is ok to go ahead with trying donor eggs while grieving the loss of your dream of using your eggs at the same time. That's what I did when I was pregnant with Ruby. I was grieving heavily for Grace and had m/c'd early again between her and Ruby and was afraid I wouldn't even make it to term. However I was still going through the motions. I knew time was not on my side. An advantage of using donor eggs for IVF is that you may have the possibility of having siblings. Is that important to you?

using donor eggs is not for everyone. I have long-time friends (married) who m/c'd once and then mortgaged heavily to do injectibles/IVF's, etc. and were told that because she didn't respond to the full dose of injectibles, that it was donor egg or adoption. Her DH was ok with it, but she did not feel using donor eggs would be 'her' child. The fact that I continued on to have children through fertility tx in my 40's strained our relationship so badly that she eventually stopped seeing/talking to me.

If I were in a financial position to use donor eggs (I would need to go to the US for tx), I would do so. AND.....I would have grieved not using my eggs. What is nice about donor egg, is that it is YOUR body that is creating/growing that baby. You are 100% in control of what you eat/drink/breathe that affects your child. I think babies were designed to be so 'lovable' to ensure that if something happened to its parents, other adults would immediately step in to take over.

I also don't discount a 1-2% chance either. I m/c'd Tessa with only a 1% chance of it happening, so percentages don't mean much to me. I was quoted a 10% chance of a live birth with my first injectible cycle and I experienced 100%, as one of my three eggs was perfect and is now a 19 lb bundle of 'Joy' sleeping curled up on her side.

If it is a manner of money though, perhaps donor egg might be worth a shot. One of the women I know through FT used donor sperm, donor egg and her eggs. She has fraternal twins and does not know if it was from hers or her donor eggs. Doesn't matter to them----they are both their much-loved children.

I hope my ramblings helped? My main message is it does not sound like you are ready to give up. Do get more support though---the more the better, ok Hon?

Take care and Happy Easter

Love, Dana Single
Ruby 3-3/4
Joylyn 6 months next week
Grace, Tessa and two more Heaven's Angels (2000-2003)

[cpn84]

Dana,

Thank you so much for your letter. I don't know what I would have done without you all this time. You are certainly an inspiration to me.

I am so confused right now and don't know what to do. My Re was great and said he would keep going if I wanted to but he wanted to be upfront with me. I do trust him. The last year has been so difficult. If I came up with the money for donor egg, I still would only have a 50% chance. Then, I am thinking of adoption, which is more expensive but will most likely have a child in the end for sure.

I still can't believe that I may not be able to have a child with my genes. When, I was young, I never thought this would happen to me. I will take all your advice into consideration. I will keep in touch. Thanks for everything.