Advice wanted on how to support a friend considering S/R

janetm · 11-06-2007, 10:10 AM

I have a friend who is currently in the position of considering this most difficult of choices. As her friend but not having sat in her shoes before, I just wonder about any advice those who have been there can give me as to how to best support her from my position on the sidelines, so to speak. So far I've let her talk and vent. Any other suggestions for me in being a support for her?

momto3angels · 11-06-2007, 10:28 AM

yes~introduce her to this site...having the support of other women who have faced this decision may be very helpful for her.

I'll come back with more thoughts, when I have time...

bags · 11-06-2007, 07:48 PM

I agree that sending her here is a great idea -- that way she can ask questions and get answers from those of us who have been through it.

I think that expressing to her that you don't judge her for her decision and understand why she is making it is most important. Going through SR can be very isolating -- you never know how anyone is going to react and when you will run into the person who will say something horrible. I would think that knowing that you are standing behind her decisions is the best thing you can do at this point.

Once it is all over, giving her a place to mourn the loss is important. She might not do this right away or in a manner that you would expect, but at some point she might need to acknowledge the loss somehow. One of my good friends helped me come up with a way to do this -- putting my ds soul someplace I could visit, cremating remains, etc. It was helpful to have her as a sounding board to come up with a plan that made sense to me. My husband and I mourned our loss at different times -- him right away, me at the end of the pregnancy. By the time I was ready to memorialize the lost, he just wanted it behind him. Having a friend to talk to about it really helped a lot -- I think it particularly helped that the loss wasn't so personal to her, so she could meet my needs instead of having to protect herself.

Finally -- helpful pre-SR is to keep her mind off it all! Take her to the movies, talk about something other than the pregnancy or babies or the SR. I tried really hard not to bond with the pregnancy, so anytime spent thinking about something else was much appreciated!

Megan

keepthefaith · 11-07-2007, 12:43 PM

Definitely keep her busy and try to get her mind off it. I am about to have SR in 2 weeks and its ALL I can think about - day and night. And let her know she will not be judged for the decision, and that you support her.

Don't say you know how she feels unless you've experienced it bc trust me that nobody who hasn't experienced this knows how bad this really is. Its a horrible thing to go thru. She's lucky she has you to help her get thru it. You are a good friend.

londonbridge · 02-06-2008, 05:02 PM

i just had a reduction from 3 to 2 yesterday. it was the hardest decision of my life. my husband could not be there, too emotional for him so i went on my own.

i have a four year old son and my heart broke with the idea of bringing someone into this world who is physically or mentally suffering. there is nothing to stop pre-term labor and that the consequences of having children too early is painful.

i tell you this so that you may have an idea of how your friend is feeling.

it helped me to visit the nicu at Columbia University. the doctor said she was going to show us a set of triplets, however, there were only two surviving and they were barely surviving at 26 weeks. i did not see this as a good outcome. chances are the surviving twins would still be in their mother's womb if not for the preterm labor caused by the stress of carrying three.

there is no right answer for everyone. i talked to several doctors and the majority advised to reduce to increase the chances of having a healthy pregnancy.

it is great she has you. i too had a supportive friend and it made a world of difference. whatever her decision is, she will need your ongoing support

11-06-2007, 10:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
janetm 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 76	Advice wanted on how to support a friend considering S/R I have a friend who is currently in the position of considering this most difficult of choices. As her friend but not having sat in her shoes before, I just wonder about any advice those who have been there can give me as to how to best support her from my position on the sidelines, so to speak. So far I've let her talk and vent. Any other suggestions for me in being a support for her?

11-06-2007, 10:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
momto3angels 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: South NJ Posts: 3,733 Blog Entries: 5	yes~introduce her to this site...having the support of other women who have faced this decision may be very helpful for her. I'll come back with more thoughts, when I have time... __________________ AR 9 IVF & 1 FET Mom to angels: H 10/24-10/25/03, R b/d 10/27/03 and A b/d 10/28/03. Earth Angels: J b 5/08/05 and L b 5/26/07 ^i^ ^i^ == A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment, Its glory and beauty belong to our world…But then it flies on again, And though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it.

11-06-2007, 07:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
bags 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Baltimore Posts: 246	I agree that sending her here is a great idea -- that way she can ask questions and get answers from those of us who have been through it. I think that expressing to her that you don't judge her for her decision and understand why she is making it is most important. Going through SR can be very isolating -- you never know how anyone is going to react and when you will run into the person who will say something horrible. I would think that knowing that you are standing behind her decisions is the best thing you can do at this point. Once it is all over, giving her a place to mourn the loss is important. She might not do this right away or in a manner that you would expect, but at some point she might need to acknowledge the loss somehow. One of my good friends helped me come up with a way to do this -- putting my ds soul someplace I could visit, cremating remains, etc. It was helpful to have her as a sounding board to come up with a plan that made sense to me. My husband and I mourned our loss at different times -- him right away, me at the end of the pregnancy. By the time I was ready to memorialize the lost, he just wanted it behind him. Having a friend to talk to about it really helped a lot -- I think it particularly helped that the loss wasn't so personal to her, so she could meet my needs instead of having to protect herself. Finally -- helpful pre-SR is to keep her mind off it all! Take her to the movies, talk about something other than the pregnancy or babies or the SR. I tried really hard not to bond with the pregnancy, so anytime spent thinking about something else was much appreciated! Megan __________________ Megan 38, DH 42 DD: Meredith born May 7th, 2004. 32 weeks gestation. DS: Miles born April 23rd, 2008. Pulmonary lymphangectasia.

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11-07-2007, 12:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
keepthefaith 700-799 post 9 of hearts Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 706	Definitely keep her busy and try to get her mind off it. I am about to have SR in 2 weeks and its ALL I can think about - day and night. And let her know she will not be judged for the decision, and that you support her. Don't say you know how she feels unless you've experienced it bc trust me that nobody who hasn't experienced this knows how bad this really is. Its a horrible thing to go thru. She's lucky she has you to help her get thru it. You are a good friend.

02-06-2008, 05:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
londonbridge Registered User Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: nj Posts: 14	i just had a reduction from 3 to 2 yesterday. it was the hardest decision of my life. my husband could not be there, too emotional for him so i went on my own. i have a four year old son and my heart broke with the idea of bringing someone into this world who is physically or mentally suffering. there is nothing to stop pre-term labor and that the consequences of having children too early is painful. i tell you this so that you may have an idea of how your friend is feeling. it helped me to visit the nicu at Columbia University. the doctor said she was going to show us a set of triplets, however, there were only two surviving and they were barely surviving at 26 weeks. i did not see this as a good outcome. chances are the surviving twins would still be in their mother's womb if not for the preterm labor caused by the stress of carrying three. there is no right answer for everyone. i talked to several doctors and the majority advised to reduce to increase the chances of having a healthy pregnancy. it is great she has you. i too had a supportive friend and it made a world of difference. whatever her decision is, she will need your ongoing support