5 weeks since my reduction - still so sad

[bluesky27]

Hi,

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant on my 4th IVF attempt. At my first ultrasound the doctor told us I was pregnant with triplets (one set of identical twins and a singleton). Initially I was overjoyed just to be pregnant but as it settled in I irealzed that I could not carry 3 babies, especially with an added risk of identical twins sharing the same placenta.

I decided to reduce at 12 weeks. Up until my 12th week I became attached to the twins, thinking they were the babies I would keep because identicals are so special. Then the day before the reduction came. The doctor suggested we reduce the twins. I was heartbroken but yet knew it was the right decision and would give me the best chance at having a healthy baby.

The reduction was uncomfortable and I lay crying with a towel over my eyes the whole time. It was the worst day of my life. This is so hard to write about, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about.

The night of the reduction I noticed some wetness on my underwear. I woke up in the middle of the night to two gushes of water coming out of me. I rushed to emergency where I was told there was nothing they could do. I spoke to the doctor who did the reduction the next day and he said it didn't look good and my chance of infection was high.

Well, 5 weeks later my baby boy is doing well and growing right on target. I stayed in bed for 2 weeks after the reduction hoping and praying my little guy would hold on. I pray everyday that my little guy continues to grow strong and healthy. What a scary time.

I still feel sad about my twins. Some days are better than others. But when I start thinking about it I just start crying. I am trying to stay strong for my little boy but my heart still aches. I know I made the right decision, I just wish it was a decision I had never had to make.

[momto3angels]

I wish it was a decision you didn't have to make, too...I also reduced identical twins (mono-chorionic).

It's okay to be sad and it's okay to mourn the loss of raising identical twins~there is a special feeling that comes with that thought. But the decision you made was made out of love and hope for your little boy and it was the right decision for you and your family.

I wish I had words to help you heal, but I hope with time, your sadness will lessen...

Wishing you peace.

[Kirbyluv]

I can so relate to yur post. It has been several weeks since my reduction and I still feel sad about the twins we lost (mine were fraternal). But I also know in my heart that I could not have carried them and am now focusing on their sister, who is growing and thriving inside of me at 26w now. Please know that you did the right thing for your family and that it's normal to feel sorrow. I hope the birth of your son will bring you lots of joy.

[bags]

bluesky --

I am now 3 years out from my reduction (7 to 2, then to 1 b/c of complications). I still think about the reduction every day, and sometimes it makes me sad -- especially when I think about our little boy that we had to reduce at 18weeks. I wish that my dd had her twin around and think about how fun that would be. It also makes me mad that I have to go through all of this pregnancy nightmare again to have a second child (I'm now 11wks with a singleton -- from a single embryo IVF). Then I think about how hard it would have been to have more than one child at a time and think my life isn't so bad after all.

During my pregnancy, I really blocked out as much of the pain as I could. This allowed me to survive SR and the subsequent awfullness that came with it for me. By about 30 weeks, when all seems to be steady with my dd, it all began to sink in. I thought a lot about how to memorialize our loss, and talked with a friend who is a psychologist about it for a long time. I felt that it was important to remember those that we lost in some way.

We ended up cremating the remains after delivery. The funeral home came and picked up the placenta from the hospital. We still haven't figured out what to do with the ashes, but we have them. I also spent some time with my son in the funeral home (won't go into details, but there was enough to recognize as he was 18wks along), which was the hardest and perhaps most important 20minutes I've ever had. I then 'put' his soul into a local park that I can visit -- I knew we would be moving soon, so put him somewhere that I can go back to when I'm in town. This place is now so moving for me -- I still cry for a good half and hour whenever I go there (which isn't too often anymore).

All of this is to say that being sad is normal, expected, and healthy. I hope that with time, the sadness will begin to lessen -- I suspect that having a growing baby in you and then a busy baby will help with this. If you think that your sadness is more than you can handle or is keeping you from taking care of yourself or your baby, then seeking help and support is a good idea. I suspect that your fertility clinic or OB will have ideas of good local therapists who have heard it all before and can help you find your way through.

I really learned that, for me, putting one foot in front of the other was the best way to get through it all.

Megan