Eactly one year ago today, I reduced from three to two to give two of my babies a better chance at life.
I had an appointment to do the NT test at 8:30am and we had 'tentatively' held a time for 1:30p the same day in case the test showed that something was wrong, or that we felt that we needed it. All the way up to that day, DH and I could not decide on what to do. The only thing we could say for sure was that if one of the babies was not well, we would not be able to give it the care that we wanted and we would not be able to provide the best care so we would reduce... even if it meant all of them. But if all the babies were well and healthy and strong, we didn't know what we were going to do. We didn't know if we were financially ready for three....
During the NT, as I was on the table and the specialist was measuring, I saw three perfect little tiny human beings with heartbeats... tickticktickticktickticktickticktick, when I saw that, I turned to DH and said to him in Japanese, 'Look, they are all perfect and all beautiful. We are having triplets.' and smiled. He just nodded quietly.
After the test, we were told to wait in the other room and while we were waiting, I was chatting away to Dh about how I suddenly felt a surge of power and strength to be able to handle three babies at the same time, and did he see how strong the heartbeats were and how they were really minihuman people... and he was still nodding quietly when the specialist came back and called us into her office.
I couldn't believe it when she told us that Baby B was not going to be healthy, and even if we decided to keep it, it might not make it through the full pregnancy, and on top of that, the excess amnio fluid would put too much pressure on A and C and compromise the entire pregnancy. We had to make the best decision for all of us..
We went home for a few hours as the reduction appointment wasn't until 1:30. DH went into the bedroom to say his final goodbye to Baby B at the mini altar that we have there, and all I could do was cry.
Going back to the hospital was so hard. KNowing what I was going back for and what I was about to do seemed WRONG. All I had to do was say NO, and it would not happen..., but I didn't. I could have refused to go back to the hospital, but I didn't. I waited for my turn to come in the office and I didn't walk out. I sat in the prep room and I didn't walk out.
I asked them to please let me watch and they wouldn't let me... saying that it would be better not to. Ｉ asked them to let me have the pictures of the ultrasounds, and I did.
For every U/S I went to post-reduction, I asked them to let me see BabyB. I needed to do that. I refused to just 'forget' that B every existed. Eventually when A and C were getting bigger, I stopped asking, but I felt comfort in knowing that B was still inside me. I DID carry all three of my babies till the very end.
Today, I look at M and S, and I miss B. I know it was the decision we had to make at the time so I am not going to say that I regret it, but I miss my Baby B....
