A question for ANYONE with secondary IF.....lurkers too...

[NicoleK]

A question for ANYONE with secondary IF.....lurkers too...
I am curious.....recently I came across a post that upset me a bit. This brought to mind a question..... a question that can only be answered from your heart.

Do you feel that people don't really understand secondary IF especially the people who are going through IF that don't have any children yet. I all the time get "You should be happy/grateful for what you have." Maybe its time to give up?"

Keep in mind that I am asking for *YOUR* experience.....not how you think everyone should feel.

Thank you for your input.....Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.

[LSteele]

Although many of the primary IF people I've met have been really nice and supportive, I know I feel awkward mentioning lots of things about secondary IF to them, and I have had at least one person tell me I should be happy with one biological child and just adopt if I want another.

One book I've discovered that seems to at least mention everything I've felt with secondary IF is called "Wanting Another Child" by Harriet Fishman Simons. It's out of print, unfortunately, but I ordered it used. Anyway, it has been like an "aha!" in reading about the ways primary and secondary IF differ. And this feeling of "You should be happy you have one" is part of that.

[Fayettc]

I get that alot when my dh recently mentions to his mom that "when the next one comes along" and she just seemed so shocked that we would even consider more. I would never tell or say anything to anyone wanted children even if it is their 4 or 5 or 6 that is their choice. Personally speaking I am the only one that has undergone IF treatments so my family on both sides really can't understand. But most of them are very supportive especially my MIL she is great about it. I think she would be happy with more but the thought shocked her....

Faye

[NicoleK]

I guess what really burns me is the fact that the people that say this have no clue what it feels like to be "incomplete. They're also the people that have 2, 3, or 4 kids and have no trouble conceiving at all. My BIL is a perfect example. He keeps saying to me, "Why are you putting yourself through this, you have Daniel you should be happy and grateful. He's a miracle. Don't you think your greedy asking for 2?" Meanwhile he has 2 of his own and is trying to talk my sis into a 3rd. He has 2 boys and wants a girl.

Sorry to get off on a tangent here, but I guess I just had to let it all out. LOL Thanks for listening.

[StephG]

Interesting question!

What I have found is that people (in general) don't understand how it can still be difficult to hear about other's pregnancies and not feel the pangs of jealousy or sadness.....it's like they think that once you have a child (or two or three or whatever) that suddenly the old feelings of IF shouldn't surface any more.

The other thing that I've found is that people tend to assume that once you have one, any subsequent children should come along as easy as can be. People don't realize the emotions that they stir up by asking the seemingly "innocent" question of, "So, when's the next one coming along?" Gee, if it were that easy, I'd say the next would've been "along" about a year ago!!! Ug!

[NicoleK]

Good point Steph. People just assume that since you have a child or children then your IF problems are magically solved. If only it were really that easy!!

[Julia32]

I agree with everything said!
I KNOW people don't understand that just because you had a baby, the jealousy doesn't go away when you see someone pg. I am starting to think that even IF I ever feel *complete* and have the 3 children I have always wanted, I will forever feel inferior and jealous of those who don't have to think about IF...those who have never suffered the agony of losing a baby or struggle so had to conceive one.
I just don't think these feelings will magically go away even if we beat IF...but rather forever stay a part of us.

[alliemac2]

Very interesting question! While it was much harder for me the first time, it is still hard for me now just not as bad. I still hate that my body isn't normal. I want a sibling for my son. I agree with Steph about it being hard to hear someone else is pregnant.

You know what, I think that it will always be hard on me when I hear of someone being pregnant. I don't think IF ever goes away. I hate that people just assume when you have one that the next will be easy. People have not really said anything to me because I tell it like it is. My body is messed up and I am so glad that it was easy for you, but there are thousands of people out there that it is not that easy. It drives me nuts when they say, just don't stress about it and it will happen.........oh that really sends me over the edge!

I thik IF the first time was a greiving process for me. I know that sounds weird but it was. It is the same now but not as bad. I hate the way it makes me feel about myself. I feel like I am not womananly because I can't conceive on my own. I wish my body was normal................oh what I would do!

Nicole, you are not being oversensitive. You have a right to voice your opinions and your feelings. I think I felt the same way when I went through IF the first time too. I now have a different perception(now that I have a child) and will never forget the feelings that i went through the 1st time. I have known people that got pregnant the 1st time and had a hard time ttc #2. IF is hard on us all, I don't think it matters if it happens 1st, 2nd or 3rd time................................it just hurts no matter how you look at it and people that have never been through IF have NO idea what it is like.

[LauraNJ33]

Hi
I'm a lurker over here right now but I will be joining you ladies once again come this summer TTC #3. I think when people say that they really don't think things through. Usually they seem to be people who seem to have no IF problems or like you said no children yet. I think if you want to continue to try for #2 its your right . People thought I was crazy to continue to try to get PG with #2 because #1 was almost 12 by the time IVF #2 worked. Also they could not understand how the RE could not find a reason for why we could not get PG. People would say BUT YOUR ONLY 33 how is that you can't do it the natural way. I just think people can't understand unless they themselves are living it. Oh well it did not matter what they all had to say because we got lucky and my DD Taylor was born 6/11/03.
So hang in there
Laura

[Kissawookie]

Hi!

I have been in lurk mode for quite a long while, but thought I'd reply to this one, my thoughts anyway. I think it's a case of many people just can't "get" it until they are in the shoes. I am just thinking of my own perspective and how much it has changed due to where I am at the moment.

My story: DH and I ttc for about 4.5 years, after several BFN's, miscarriage, handful of IVF's, etc. we had b/g twins, now 9 months old. We are thinking in about a year we will go back for our FET.

My thoughts while ttc #1: "If only I had even one child, I would never want for anything again, can't imagine that not completely quenching my every desire - people who already have one kid just don't get it."

My current thoughts looking toward next year's FET: "It will be wonderful if the FET works, but if not, we can adopt our next child"

Where I can see my thoughts quickly going: "Please, Lord, please let this FET work because it's our last chance for another pregnancy and it is really my heart's desire. I don't know if adoption is right for us yet. I am really beginning to want that next baby and my stomach hurts when I think it might not happen."

I am beginning to see that I will be grieving a lot more than I thought I would if it doesn't work. I am beginning to already get anxious about it.

And I realize, I have b/g twins!! I do know how blessed I am.

I hope this came out right. Usually I am not so good with writing things out. All this to say that IMO everyone's pain is justified, but sometime's only when someone is actually in the situation can he/she understand it (Although I know there are loving people out there who do try). I mean myself too. I can no longer "truly" know the pain of primary infertility, because I am no longer there, even though I can remember my pain and relate better than someone who never has had it.

From what I can see and what I'm starting to feel, secondary IF is perhaps yet killing just another dream that you have in your life. A different loss, a different grief. (At least for me I think)

Sheesh, I'm wordy.
IF stinks from the beginning to the end, doesn't it?
Amy