Seeking Advice RE: Our Niece

[SgtMom]

Hi ~ I have read some posts here now and again and was wondering if you could help out with a situation in our family. My dhs niece is gay - I figured this out when she was in high school and told dh. Then in college it became obvious as she had her first real gf and her she overhauled her look to match her the new gf. They broke up after a year or so but the gf actually lived with MIL for a while in her basement (she needed a place to stay) and I still dont know if MIL knows or not. Clearly SIL and other niece know and have probably known longer than us. She sort of announced it to dh about a year or two ago in a phone call in which she talked about a gf from her rugby team. Dh and I are totally ok with it and I think she knows that. In fact dh wants to take her to his work in San Fran (when she comes for a visit) so she can see that a lot of his coworkers are gay and lesbian.

The problem is nieces father, my BIL. I have known for a while that he is a bigot just from the jokes that he makes. He made one about "Mexicans" at one nieces grad and I called him out for it. He is one of those rough and ready mountain types and I think very conservative. And we know that niece and BIL had a big falling out probably a year and a half ago and are barely speaking. Before that she was working for him and living in the mountains helping him to build homes. Well I would say thats their family business and we should not get involved. And we havent. The issue now is that niece is leaving for 2yrs as she is joining the Peace Corps (yay!). Someone, I think dh, asked other niece if BIL will be seeing niece #1 off and niece #2 said, if he doesnt its his loss. Well ya but still has to be rather painful for niece. She is most like her father is so many ways and its just sad. On the other hand, I think that dh (being her uncle and always being close in relationship if not in distance) can be her sorta surro dad since I am not holding my breath that BIL will change. She is coming to visit us for a couple days before she leaves for two years. We will have internet contact with her hopefully as she does have a blog, etc. BTW I think she is very open now in her early to mid 20s - just think that possibly the coming out to her father went very poorly. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Do you think I should say anything to her? We have never had the really open talk to her about her sexuality - I think its awkward for dh since he may still see her as a little girl and she is his niece and its never been my place really. I would like her to know that we feel badly that her father is acting this way although she may be used to his absence by now. Altho' he and SIL are technically still married it is very odd and they will be living separately as soon as they can sell their home and he stopped being actively involved with their activities, except grad ceremonies, long ago whereas SIL is very loving as even though she always had work she attended every softball game, etc. What would you do? She comes in a couple of weeks...

Thanks,
Kate

[hkaleiwahea]

Hi Kate.

I didn't get if everyone in the family knows and you just want to talk about it or if there is only a select few that know and you want to tell the others. Other than flat out lying if asked, you need to let her tell people when and how she is ready.

Either way, I would treat her like you would treat any other person in your family, regardless of whom they choose to have sex with and choose as a partner in life. What makes it wierd for everyone is if you treat someone as though they don't fit into the family any more or that they need some kind of sympathy or gentle touch when it somes to conversation.

It sounds corny, but if it feels right to say something to her about how sorry you are about her father, then do it. Let your heart and your stomach lead you. I'm sure you won't offend or upset her. She is probably pretty comfortable with whom she is.

My family and I don't really talk about it much but my partner and I both have very accepting families so it's never been an issue. We just talk to them like normal family members do. It does not make me uncomfortable or angry to talk about who I am. I, like your SIL, welcome questions or concerns and even the occasional debate as long as they are appropriate, loving and never in an angry text. I cannot change who I am. I cannot change who I love. I think when families accept that, they can accept a gay/lesbian whatever in their lives. It's shocking news to some and dad's can be hard and need more time to adjust. Parent's have dreams for their children and when those are changed or just not going to happen, there can be a mourning time and I think that's o'kay. Give dad some slack, he may come around some day.

Take care! I don't know if that helped at all.
Enjoy your visit!
-Heather

[AmyP]

Hi Kate and thanks for stopping by. I'm not sure I understand all the dynamics - but basically I agree with Heather. If the closeness is there with your niece and you do whatever you can to foster that (which I think would be a gift to you both!!) Then the conversations about your nieces sexuality, her difficult relationship with BIL etc. will come organically - which will have a more lasting impact on her and on your relationship. I hope that makes sense.

Let us know what you decide to do - and good luck to you. Your niece is lucky to have someone as caring as you in her family!

[SgtMom]

Thanks! I dont plan to out her to anyone & I think she is fairly out. Its just sad shes not speaking to her father and shes leaving for two years. They cant come back unless its on her own dime and she has no plans to come back but she will have internet access. I dont think her father is the internet type though. So it seems she will have no contact with him for a long time. She is close with dh (her uncle) and I hope he can kind of step into that role for her even though shes a grown woman. He did find some cute letters that she sent when she was learning to write so he plans to embarrass her with those while she is here. It never comes up with MIL - she will make those standard statements like I dont have any problem with gays - what they do is up to them and has no affect on me. But not sure if she is referring to niece (her granddaughter) or not Sorry I was not clear ....