Then I get an unexpected invite to a mini reunion on my mom's side. I accepted because the invitation was an honor and it's a once-in-a-lifetime gathering. It's next week. Just weeks past the loss, physically, I hope my hormones can make an effort to get back on track by next week. Financially, it's out of town so will take a toll on our savings for ART/Adoption. Emotionally, here I go to face my active family who has very little patience for feelings, and I am in a "feeling" place. Great.
What's horrible is that we are going to this lovely place, a beach vacation! with people I haven't seen in years and once again I'm won't be myself (who was that person?). They'll all be celebrating and I will, for maybe a whole thirty minutes, and then I'll need to go recharge, and will I be able to? It's already been made clear to me that babies (the living kind) are of primary interest. I made hotel reservations one day at another hotel and then two days with my immediate family. They are aghast that I wouldn't stay at the same hotel as them all three nights. I'm already "disappointing" them. I know, I know, it's what matters for me.
Misery loves company? Another reason to spend that one day away is to spend time with my great-uncle who's daughter died last month and his other daughter (who is past child-bearing years). But what if my uncle's coping especially well and there I am moping all by myself? Grrr...!
OK, so there's my post. My anxiety.
The answer: Be who I am, laugh when I do, mope when I do, be who I am in this difficult time. (I hate that it's difficult.)
~Sharon
Aug-2004, mc 11w4d (or 7w4d?)
