Newbie also sad and confused

Montygat · 11-18-2007, 09:17 AM

I would like to say that I'm so glad that I found this site. I'm 34 and have just found out from my GYN that my day 3 FSH was 45. I was crushed. I just got married last year, and we didn't really want to wait long to try to conceive; we waited about 6 months and started this past March. I started charting BBT and doing OPKs; checked in with the doctor in May and she said that things should be fine as long as I was getting pos OPKs and having regular periods, which I was. Heck, even if my cycle fluctuated a day or two here or there, I got AF 14 days after I pinpointed ovulation, with both OPK and temps. But it's been a really tough year. I have always been really healthy and this year in April, I got my first kidney stone. The cycle that I went to the ER with that, my cycle was a little off. I figured, no big deal; they're pumping me full of Cipro. Then in May, I had to have a lithotripsy, which is when they bombard the remaining stones with sound waves to break them up so you can "more comfortably" pass them. Then in July, I badly herniated a lumbar disk, for which I took a round of steroids, then had a lumbar steroid injection, then finally at the end of September had surgery (which was followed by another round of steroids and anti-inflammitories). I had to quit my job because of the pain pre-surgery(thank God for COBRA) I have since been on the mend, charting my cycles like a sane crazy woman and all was well in cycle-land I thought. The only thing I had noticed was that my periods had gotten slightly shorter than in previous years, but I had pretty much had a 3-4 day period for the last couple of years, while on the pill. I guess I just expected it to get longer when I got off the pill. It never did and the doctor said that was normal.

Fine. The only time my cycles were funky were during the cycles when I had some sort of steroid treatment. And since it said on the package that this could mess with your cycle, once again, I didn't fret. And the cycle after the last steroid treatment- normal 25 days (I have been getting periods between 24 and 26 days).

So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news from my DR. on Friday. At my pressing, the doctor agreed to do the infertility screening sooner than one year (since I was close to 35). I feel like I've been hit by a car. I thought my biggest concern would be endometriosis (since my mother had issues with that). I was worried enough about that (and that still might be an issue)- this wasn't even on my radar. I asked her, "Are you saying that I probably won't ever have a baby?" She paused then told me that donor eggs were a great alternative - that I probably had POF, but was sending me to a RE to retest and consider our options.

I know that most of you can understand what I'm feeling. I am crushed. I feel like my heart is breaking in half. I feel broken. I feel like there's something I should have done, something I should have seen, but just didn't. I'm mad that for all of the ultrasounds I've had, that my doctor wouldn't have seen shrinking ovaries. I feel guilty that I was on the pill for so long because maybe something would have shown earlier. I don't feel like me right now; I feel like a different person that I don't know too well. I feel like the ground has been ripped out from underneath me. Sometimes, the crying just comes on me and all I can say is that I'm just so sad. Childish, isn't it?

Our appointment isn't until 11/30. Thanksgiving is going to be tough and my husband and I debated about just staying home instead of visiting his family, who includes his sister who has a 1 year old and is 3 months prg with her second. We decided to go; I want my husband to be around his family too, because I know that he is hurting and he needs his family (my mom and dad are here in Chicago- I'm an only child).

We are lucky- we have a lot of family support. And my mother went through her own battle with infertility - 7 pregnancies, 3 live births, I was the only survivor. I never thought I would have this kind of problem; I figured since my mom had so much trouble, what were the chances, karmicly speaking

I'm having trouble sleeping because my stomach aches (and of course I think- of course I can't sleep. Apparently I'm in menopause.) But then my husband assures me that it's mostly because I have a stomach ache and that's preventing me from sleeping.

OK, I'm rambling now so I'll stop. I'm going to get my butt up and go to church with my husband (who has been freaking incredible). Anyone who's read this far- congrats. I would welcome any pearls of wisdom. And if anyone knows of some good REs in the Chicagoland area let me know (if we're allowed).

I just can't shake this feeling of being alone.

Much love,
Chris

Steph1moretime · 11-18-2007, 03:12 PM

Chris,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this--especially with the Holidays around the corner and having to see your SIL pgnt. I think it's good that you're going to an RE soon; hopefully the test was some bizarre fluke! I have a friend who used donor eggs, and I just wanted to let you know her little girl is the absoute light of their lives, and looks and acts just like her Mom!

I recently suffered fetal death at 12 weeks, and find myself giong on FT's more now than I ever did when I was pgnt, trying to find solace in what is otherwise inexplicable to me...I am finding that perhaps there is a good reason (as verse to what I've been feeling, which is how truly unfair and unjust all of this is for people who so desperately want to become good, loving parents) My best friend from age 3 went through IF and finally she and her DH went to Korea--I cannot imagine a life without her Katie, who was adopted at 4 months and is now 6 years old. I rememebr her husband comforting her when she was screaming "why" after her last failed IVF attempt, and he simply said, "because there is a woman on the other side of the ocean who is carrying our baby." They hadn't even discussed adoption! And ironically, once they decided (basically that NIGHT!) to move forward with the process, they figured out Katie had been conceived right around that time. Then I see stories here about amazingly triumphant women who overcome IF and what great support systems they've been for one another, and I have to believe it's for a greater purpose; maybe to show us that even though bad things can happen to great people, they still manage to find a way to overcome and continue to be loving individuals. I hope so much that you're able to effortlessly beat the odds as well--feel free to PM me anytime you need a shoulder--good luck with the Thanksgiving dinner experience!
Take care,
Stephanie

Montygat · 11-18-2007, 10:58 PM

I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible loss. Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words. I wish you all of the best, and feel like I've been able to tap into a really supportive and informative community here. Heck, I never even heard of premature ovarian failure until just recently while trolling the pregnancy/ conception websites. And never, for a minute, did I think that applied to me- I have had ultrasounds (no one ever told me that I had shrinking/ smaller ovaries to indicate poor reserve) in the past year and regular periods. I even had an ultrasound 2 years ago while on BCP that showed follicles (apparently you can ovulate occasionally while on BCP)!

Mostly, I'm getting through this while waiting to see the RE by learning that there are options. And I think that being able to have these discussions will help to arm me when I go to the REs so that I can ask the right questions.

Thanks for your support!

Take care,
Chris

June07 · 12-29-2008, 08:52 PM

Hi Chris,

I have POF as well and I am 24. Just found out. I know how you feel, not that it makes you or myself feel better. I have a great RE but here in PA. Good luck with everything. This is still very new to us too, but we have met with our specialist and looked into egg donor, we just still don't know what option is best for us. I just found this site and find it to be great support. I have no one near me with this diagnosis, so I am seeking others with the similar situation. I would keep talking to others who are going throught this!

11-18-2007, 09:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
Montygat 900-999 post jack of hearts Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Illinois Posts: 964	Newbie also sad and confused I would like to say that I'm so glad that I found this site. I'm 34 and have just found out from my GYN that my day 3 FSH was 45. I was crushed. I just got married last year, and we didn't really want to wait long to try to conceive; we waited about 6 months and started this past March. I started charting BBT and doing OPKs; checked in with the doctor in May and she said that things should be fine as long as I was getting pos OPKs and having regular periods, which I was. Heck, even if my cycle fluctuated a day or two here or there, I got AF 14 days after I pinpointed ovulation, with both OPK and temps. But it's been a really tough year. I have always been really healthy and this year in April, I got my first kidney stone. The cycle that I went to the ER with that, my cycle was a little off. I figured, no big deal; they're pumping me full of Cipro. Then in May, I had to have a lithotripsy, which is when they bombard the remaining stones with sound waves to break them up so you can "more comfortably" pass them. Then in July, I badly herniated a lumbar disk, for which I took a round of steroids, then had a lumbar steroid injection, then finally at the end of September had surgery (which was followed by another round of steroids and anti-inflammitories). I had to quit my job because of the pain pre-surgery(thank God for COBRA) I have since been on the mend, charting my cycles like a sane crazy woman and all was well in cycle-land I thought. The only thing I had noticed was that my periods had gotten slightly shorter than in previous years, but I had pretty much had a 3-4 day period for the last couple of years, while on the pill. I guess I just expected it to get longer when I got off the pill. It never did and the doctor said that was normal. Fine. The only time my cycles were funky were during the cycles when I had some sort of steroid treatment. And since it said on the package that this could mess with your cycle, once again, I didn't fret. And the cycle after the last steroid treatment- normal 25 days (I have been getting periods between 24 and 26 days). So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news from my DR. on Friday. At my pressing, the doctor agreed to do the infertility screening sooner than one year (since I was close to 35). I feel like I've been hit by a car. I thought my biggest concern would be endometriosis (since my mother had issues with that). I was worried enough about that (and that still might be an issue)- this wasn't even on my radar. I asked her, "Are you saying that I probably won't ever have a baby?" She paused then told me that donor eggs were a great alternative - that I probably had POF, but was sending me to a RE to retest and consider our options. I know that most of you can understand what I'm feeling. I am crushed. I feel like my heart is breaking in half. I feel broken. I feel like there's something I should have done, something I should have seen, but just didn't. I'm mad that for all of the ultrasounds I've had, that my doctor wouldn't have seen shrinking ovaries. I feel guilty that I was on the pill for so long because maybe something would have shown earlier. I don't feel like me right now; I feel like a different person that I don't know too well. I feel like the ground has been ripped out from underneath me. Sometimes, the crying just comes on me and all I can say is that I'm just so sad. Childish, isn't it? Our appointment isn't until 11/30. Thanksgiving is going to be tough and my husband and I debated about just staying home instead of visiting his family, who includes his sister who has a 1 year old and is 3 months prg with her second. We decided to go; I want my husband to be around his family too, because I know that he is hurting and he needs his family (my mom and dad are here in Chicago- I'm an only child). We are lucky- we have a lot of family support. And my mother went through her own battle with infertility - 7 pregnancies, 3 live births, I was the only survivor. I never thought I would have this kind of problem; I figured since my mom had so much trouble, what were the chances, karmicly speaking I'm having trouble sleeping because my stomach aches (and of course I think- of course I can't sleep. Apparently I'm in menopause.) But then my husband assures me that it's mostly because I have a stomach ache and that's preventing me from sleeping. OK, I'm rambling now so I'll stop. I'm going to get my butt up and go to church with my husband (who has been freaking incredible). Anyone who's read this far- congrats. I would welcome any pearls of wisdom. And if anyone knows of some good REs in the Chicagoland area let me know (if we're allowed). I just can't shake this feeling of being alone. Much love, Chris

11-18-2007, 03:12 PM	#2 (permalink)
Steph1moretime Registered User Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Charlotte NC Posts: 279	Here to support you with the news... Chris, I am so sorry you are having to go through this--especially with the Holidays around the corner and having to see your SIL pgnt. I think it's good that you're going to an RE soon; hopefully the test was some bizarre fluke! I have a friend who used donor eggs, and I just wanted to let you know her little girl is the absoute light of their lives, and looks and acts just like her Mom! I recently suffered fetal death at 12 weeks, and find myself giong on FT's more now than I ever did when I was pgnt, trying to find solace in what is otherwise inexplicable to me...I am finding that perhaps there is a good reason (as verse to what I've been feeling, which is how truly unfair and unjust all of this is for people who so desperately want to become good, loving parents) My best friend from age 3 went through IF and finally she and her DH went to Korea--I cannot imagine a life without her Katie, who was adopted at 4 months and is now 6 years old. I rememebr her husband comforting her when she was screaming "why" after her last failed IVF attempt, and he simply said, "because there is a woman on the other side of the ocean who is carrying our baby." They hadn't even discussed adoption! And ironically, once they decided (basically that NIGHT!) to move forward with the process, they figured out Katie had been conceived right around that time. Then I see stories here about amazingly triumphant women who overcome IF and what great support systems they've been for one another, and I have to believe it's for a greater purpose; maybe to show us that even though bad things can happen to great people, they still manage to find a way to overcome and continue to be loving individuals. I hope so much that you're able to effortlessly beat the odds as well--feel free to PM me anytime you need a shoulder--good luck with the Thanksgiving dinner experience! Take care, Stephanie

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11-18-2007, 10:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
Montygat 900-999 post jack of hearts Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Illinois Posts: 964	I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible loss. Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words. I wish you all of the best, and feel like I've been able to tap into a really supportive and informative community here. Heck, I never even heard of premature ovarian failure until just recently while trolling the pregnancy/ conception websites. And never, for a minute, did I think that applied to me- I have had ultrasounds (no one ever told me that I had shrinking/ smaller ovaries to indicate poor reserve) in the past year and regular periods. I even had an ultrasound 2 years ago while on BCP that showed follicles (apparently you can ovulate occasionally while on BCP)! Mostly, I'm getting through this while waiting to see the RE by learning that there are options. And I think that being able to have these discussions will help to arm me when I go to the REs so that I can ask the right questions. Thanks for your support! Take care, Chris

12-29-2008, 08:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
June07 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 9	Hi Chris, I have POF as well and I am 24. Just found out. I know how you feel, not that it makes you or myself feel better. I have a great RE but here in PA. Good luck with everything. This is still very new to us too, but we have met with our specialist and looked into egg donor, we just still don't know what option is best for us. I just found this site and find it to be great support. I have no one near me with this diagnosis, so I am seeking others with the similar situation. I would keep talking to others who are going throught this!