torture of waiting for miscarriage

[tiredofBFN]

After two and a half years of ttc, we were finally pregnant!! It was my first IVF cycle, canceled due to poor response, and converted to IUI. I actually had no hope for this cycle so I was so thrilled, but cautiously thrilled. I know the odds of miscarriage and I knew that it would be a stressful first trimester. My first two betas were great, progesterone level was awesome, pregnancy symptoms were kicking in. But I was so afraid to hope.

Two days ago, at my 7w2d u/s, my fears were proven true. Measuring 7w4d, my baby's heartbeat is irregular and 50bpm. We were told this baby would not make it... my baby is dying. So now I sit and wait for my baby to die and for me to miscarry. This pain and this feeling of loss and emptiness is overwhelming. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I'm 37 years old and it took us almost three years to get pregnant. I can't wait another three years. Time is working against me. My tests have shown diminished ovarian reserve, which is diminishing more and more every day.

I feel like this was my miracle, my one shot at having a baby. And now it's dying. Hearing the news was horrific... but now I have to wait ... another week? two weeks? even longer?? for this baby to die and for my body to get rid of it. I see a book title... "how to drive a woman insane in 3 weeks or less". I go back next Tuesday for another u/s to confirm fetal death. Is this some sort of cruel joke? And how am I supposed to work? I can't afford to lose my job, but I can't sit here at my desk and cry all day. And now most of me just wants this over with. If I can't have this baby, then go ahead and take it already. Don't prolong the torture. Because I need to try again right away. I know how crazy that sounds and I know that most doctors would advise against it, but I need to. The odds of us getting pregnant naturally on our own are slim to none anyway... but I need to try. I have heard that some women get pregnant much more easily after a failed pregnancy. I'm not sure if that's just coincidence or if the body responds better with pregnancy hormones floating all over the place. But I need to try.

I'm sorry I know I'm all over the place and I'm going on and on... I just need to get it out. I feel like I'm going crazy...

[Stacypit]

I am so, so sorry.

[SYP28]

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I too can relate to your pain. I had a miscarriage with my first ivf and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't do anything but cry all day and all night. They told me to wait until I miscarried but I couldn't. The thought of me walking around doing my normal activities while my baby was dying inside of me made me sick. I had a d & c the moment I found out because I couldn't handle the wait and the pain that goes along with the wait. I took a few days off from work because I couldn't function. I did find that when I went back to work it helped me to not focus on the situation so much.

I felt like giving up ttc after that miscarriage but eventually I felt good enough to start again. I began ttc again after 2 months. My first FET failed, however I was able to get pregnant with my next FET and now I have a beautiful baby girl.

Hang in there it will get better over time. I know it's easier said than done right now. You will have the baby that you desire.

Good luck to you.

[Ferret Mommy]

I am so so so sorry. We just went through a d&c because at our follow up appt to check on baby B, we found that the strong baby A had died at 8w2d... This was on a Monday and I took the rest of the time off till the op on a Thurs.... then some time off to recover.

Although I do not wish this on anyone... I do feel that the d&c procedure helped me get through this heartbreaking news. Its been about a month and I am finally feeling simi normal... I dont burst out in tears, although I have moments of deep sadness...

Its ok to cry.. to hurt... whatever may help you... the thought of the procedure made some more pain... but I know I couldnt just let things go naturally. Just the few days of knowing I was carrying my baby that did not survive was KILLING me.

I know this does NOT make things better.. but what if you have found what may work for you? What happened with the baby may be out of your control.. but wanting to try again, I hope is healing for you.

Can you get some time off? I was allowed to take FMLA time.. much needed. My OB was really great and if I need some more time off he will approve it. This heartache is real and time is needed to heal.

I am sorry if I am alittle bit everywhere, but I feel your pain and mine is still raw fresh.

Many many hugs.. you can PM me anytime if you want too.. you can post here and you will get support as well.

[BC-Shelli]

I am so sorry...I know this part is just awful...the waiting in limbo is horrible. I wish this wasn't happening to you...

[linden]

I'm crying as I write this. I went through the same thing in March/April 2008 with my first pregnancy, which also was an IUI pregnancy after several years of TTC. The m/c happened very similarly to yours...betas were great, started having pregnancy symptoms, went for u/s to see the heartbeat and there was none, went back a few days later, still no heartbeat. Waited to miscarry naturally, walked around for 2-3 weeks knowing my baby was not alive inside of me, went to work, tried to function like a human being and not cry every 5 seconds. Didn't pass the baby on my own, so RE scheduled a D&C. She did an u/s the morning of the D&C just to confirm nonviability. Surprisingly, at that u/s there was a slow, weak, irregular heartbeat. We knew the baby wouldn't make it but now I needed to wait for the baby to die inside of me....the baby that I thought never developed a heartbeat was now dying inside of me. This was by far, the worst experience of my entire life. A week later the heartbeat was gone and I had the D&C. We did chromosomal testing on the baby and she had 3 different chromosomal abnormalities that were incompatible with life.

Started IF treatments again in July 2008 and I went on to get pregnant again in October 2008. Another m/c. Saw a great, strong heartbeat at 6w and 7w. At my 8w appointment with my RE the heartbeat was gone...one the day I was finally being discharged to my OB. I absolutely could not wait weeks to pass the baby on my own, after just having gone through that a few months prior. I needed the baby out of me ASAP. The RE did another D&C the next day b/c she knew I couldn't handle going through the same thing I went though in April. This baby also had chromosomal abnormalities.

What you are going through is absolutely horrible and devastating. I will never forget what it felt like and no woman should have to experience it, especially after suffering through IF and IF treatments. My heart goes out to you...I truly wish there was something I could do or say to help you. Time will help with the healing, both physically and emotionally, but this is an experience you will never forget or "get over". This experience changes you...it steals away the excitement of finally getting pregnant and it makes you dread the future...you dread getting pregnant again because of the fear of this happening again. And you dread the idea of never being able to get pregnant again. Again, I'm so sorry you are in this place right now.

[Ferret Mommy]

Linden.. my heart goes out to you as well...

[Tia38]

i am so sorry for your experience -- i had a beta hell my first BFP and it was the longest weeks of my life... the waiting was horrible... i was told no hope... then a bit of hope but not optimisitc... and then no hope again.... i eventually did m/c naturally which wasn't terrible, but then had to wait for my betas to zero out... be so kind and gentle to yourself.

a resource that someone pointed me to www misdiagnosedmiscarriage com (add the dots) -- the name is a misnomer -- while some women went on to healthy pg many did in fact m/c. it was a great source of info and support while i was stuck in the waiting..... worse and different from a 2ww, but so helpful to be with others who could relate.

i will say that there's support here (on FT) too, but i didn't want to be here some of the time.

and nothing you said is crazy, and more than likely someone else has said it too, and had the same feelings at some point.

many gentle hugs,
-tia

[TTCyears]

Pregnancy loss coupled with infertility is difficult beyond difficult.

I am sorry your little one is passing.

I'm responding to your statement: "I can't afford to lose my job, but I can't sit here at my desk and cry all day."

My recent loss, my fifth, was in September and I really, really slacked off at work. I was very concerned about it. Over the years, I've had different responses to pg loss, varying from minimal impact at work (one day off), to this year where I did sit and cry at my desk ... a lot. I have flexibility so during and after my mc I found myself working 30-some hours (rather than 40 to 50 hours); I'm sure folks noticed. It seemed forever and I didn't know if I was ever, ever going to be able to concentrate at work, or have the enthusiasm I did. But, I'm here to say that my concentration is back and I am enjoying my job again (and hating it too). I had had some major projects and am still facing the impact of my inattention (that happened in 2007 also). But I wasn't fired. And if I had been? Maybe that would be no big loss, just another on the stack, and in some ways less horrible.

I am sorry for your pg loss.

Thinking of your little one,
~S

[lollipoplola]

sending hugs your way.