Very newly pregnant and scared

[Sophiebella]

Hi everyone,

My name is Amy. I'm very happy to say that I'm finally pregnant again after my first ivf cycle in November. I'm not yet 6 weeks along. My second beta came back 3804 which my RE is ecstatic about. My husband and I are both elated. We'll have our first u/s on the 19th of December.

What is bothering me now is the huge emotional roller coaster that I'm on. I gave birth to my firstborn son, Peyton, on 4/14/04. He was stillborn at 27weeks 5days. I had an extensive blood clot that blocked off my placenta completely. Losing him was the worst time in my life. At the same time having him in my life for almost 28 weeks was one of the biggest blessings that I've ever been granted. My son was beautiful and gave me the happiest 7 months that I could've had.

Now that I'm pregnant again I am scared to death of the next 8 or so months. I'm afraid of all of the what-ifs that a loss mom has to think about. I also feel kind of guilty being this happy over the prospect of a new baby. So many people are telling me to just be happy and not think of the past but that's impossible for me. I can't not think about my son. I also can't help but to worry a little about how this pregnancy will turn out. I think all of the words of encouragement from people meaning well is just making me feel worse. I really am so very happy about being pregnant but fear is lurking in there too. I just wanted to check in with women that understand where I am. I wanted to see how you are "coping" . Sorry to ramble on.


Thanks,
Amy

[BC-Kim in Oz]

I'm not currently pregnant but check in here from time to time to see how everyone's going and I saw your post. Congratulations!!! I know this is a very exciting but scary time for you Amy. And I think that everything you're feeling is very normal. Other people will offer words of encouragement but they have not been in your shoes. It's impossible not to worry after you've had a loss. You know only too well that things don't always turn out OK. All you can really do is try to take it one day at a time and certainly check in here where there are others who understand what you're experiencing.

Love, (((hugs))) and best wishes

[alexismoreno]

Amy,

I am sorry for the loss of your son. My firstborn son was also born still at almost 31 wks so I know exactly how you feel. I have been on pins and needles since I got that + hpt. For me the only things that have made me feel better are having frequent ultrasounds and finding a dr. that understands my paranoia and is willing to do almost anything to make me feel better. It took visits to 3 other obs to find one who is really great. He has agreed to see me every 2 wks which is unusual in the 2nd trimester. He also works by himself. The large groups make it so hard for the dr. to get to know you well. Right now that is the only advice I have. I pray that all goes well for you. You can definitely post here because unfortunately we do understand. Take care.

All the best,

[Sophiebella]

Thank you both so much. Knowing that I have a place to come for understanding is so wonderful. I've been reading so many of the other posts and it really does help to know I'm not alone in being afraid. I think after I have my first u/s on the 19th I will feel a little better.

Alexis, I'm glad you have such a wonderful Dr. I'm still not sure if I'll go back to my regular ob/gyn once my RE releases me. He's mentioned a high risk group but we haven't really discussed it yet.

Thank you both for letting me know I'm doing ok.

[MommaRitz]

Amy - Althought there is nothing we can say to help relieve your fears, know we are hear for you and have all had losses. Congrats on being pg. It is always a rollercoaster of emotions - it never ends even after they are born. Good luck and ANYTIME you need anything lean on us

[TriciaJ]

Amy,

Congratulations on your pregnancy, there is nothing wrong with feeling happy & elated and light at this time. There is also nothing wrong with being scared to death at the same time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Dealing with a subq. pg. after losing our children is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The fears are almost tangible when they rise to the surface. Try to take it one moment at a time and you're always welcome to come here, we understand.

As far as Drs go. I switched from my OB to a high risk specialist. I needed the extra peace of mind that I was doing EVERYTHING and my Dr was doing EVERYTHING in his power to keep this baby safe. Whatever you & your DH decide to do, I'm sure will be the best thing.

Best of luck and I'm praying for you. Keep us updated on your progress

Hugs,
Tricia

[momto3angels]

Amy~

I also am not currently pg, but have expereince with losing children and having a subsequent pg, so I want to lend my support. I am so sorry about the loss of your son, Peyton. I am sure he was absolutely beautiful. It is so devastating to lose your much loved and much wanted child/ren.

You are right that there is no way you will ever "forget the past" even as you focus on the future. Peyton will always be a part of your life and that is a good thing.

As for feeling guilty about the excitement of another baby, I think a lot of us go through (went through) that. I think of it in a different way: I love Hannah, Ryan and Abby so much. Nothing will change that~ever. I beleive that it was a honor to them that I want more children~imagine a love so strong that I was willing to risk the pain again to expereince more of the love.

And~the fears of a sub pg are real, difficult and challenging. It is easy for your mind to run away with things at every twinge, ache, pain, feeling (or no feeling). Taking things one day at a time and sharing with people who understand how I felt was criticial for me. I also developed a great relationship with my doctors (perinatologist and OB) and saw them A LOT. I never hestitated to call, to ask for a h/b check or peace of mind u/s.

Wishing you the best~

[Sophiebella]

Thank you all for the wonderful support. I really needed someone to tell me that it is ok to feel like I do. I don't know anyone in "real" life that that has lost a child so I was starting to feel the pressure of staying 100% positive about everything. I think this board is such a blessing.

[happyamomtobe]

Amy,

I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you are feeling. I am
so sorry about your son Peyton. I also lost a baby boy. He was delivered at
26 weeks and we lost him 22 days after being in the NICU. December 4th
was his 2nd angel date and it has definitely been very devastating. I haven't
shared my pregnancy news with a lot of people. The people that I've told (because of work or closeness) have been very excited for me. I think other
people must think I have some sort of disease because I just haven't been
myself and have missed a lot of days from work.

Take Care of yourself.

[Sophiebella]

Thank you. I'm sorry about the loss of you son. Peyton's 2nd Angel day will be 4/14. This time of year must be extra hard on you with his loss being so close to the holidays. I know holidays are the toughest time for me as it is. Congratulations on your current pregnancy.