Whining 14 mo old --- please help !!

[Purple Martini]

Hello all
We have a terribly whiney 14 mo old and while I can deal with this DH can't. He is SO fried at work that a whiney child just pushes him to the edge. I have tried to empathise (heck I know how frustrating it can be) .... I've tried to explain why he does it (frustration, anger, pain, etc.) but nothing is helping.

When DS was very young and cried all the time DH was great and I was the one who couldn't deal ... now the tables have turned.

Yesterday I was working most of the day and he had DS .... I got home to DH drying him after his bath telling DS to just stop whining and that he needs to get a new dad !!! Broke my heart to hear that and of course DS picks up on DH's frustration and gets worse. I come in and take over .... DS is fine .... DH rants why is he OK for you .... sigh .... (because he didn't want to get out of the bath -- because you're frustrated and angry and he feels that --- because I'm calm). DH is so fried and PO'd with the whining that he "almost" said that he didn't want any more. He didn't quite say it, stopped mid-sentence (we're planning on an FET next month).

Please help .... I did some searching and can only find info that relates to older toddlers and whining. I would like to send DH something that may help him understand why DS whines .... and he is bad lately ... wants me to hold him ALL the time .... not a happy bunny at the moment (been going on for about 2-3 wks).

Thanks for any advice/info .... if you've read this far thankyou ....
T

[DramaMama]

I think they whine because they can't really communicate what they want and it frustrates them. As Jared is learning more words and other ways to let us know what he wats the whining has gotten a bit better.

It really bothered my DH too.

[wantsababy2]

Totally normal toddler behavior, he is not doing it to drive you nuts. He has no ability to do otherwise yet, no coping skills. It helps me to try to empathize with Gil when he gets like that, because getting annoyed at it only makes it worse for everyone.

ITA.

Whining happens out of frustration, and he's frustrated because he can't communicate what he wants/needs.

My DD is excellent with me. There is very little whining, usually only when she's tired, or tired of what I've been making her do for too long (like going from store to store and sitting in a shopping cart for hours). I haven't learned to cope with it, but rather I learned to try to stop it from happening altogether. For example, she used to be somewhat whiney in the bath, and I realized she probably needed an earlier bath/bedtime, which solved her whiney bath problem. Books are always a good distraction when I can't figure her out. She loves her books, so I take her over to her bookshelf and ask her to pick a book and we look at the pictures. This stops the whining about 80% of the time.

She does whine a lot for DH. It obvious why (to me anyway). He simply doesn't attend to her needs like I do. Not his fault, he WOH so he doesn't "know" her needs as well as I do, but it grates on his nerves nonetheless, which doesn't help the situation.

DH is the type that likes his me time, and if I have to do something and leave him to watch DD, he tries to do whatever it is he wants to do at the time while looking after her - and we all know that doesn't work!! DH is the one whining when he has to stop working out or drag himself away from his stereo to read DD a book, for example. Its all about them right now. Your DH just has to understand that. Like eclaire said, he's not doing it on purpose to drive you batty.

[Julie2002]

Let me tell you, I love DS to pieces, but there are days that the whining drives me a little batty too. Tell your DH to count to ten. Before he says a word, just count to ten and walk away if he must for a minute or two.

I've also found just getting down to his baby level, face to face, helps tremendously. I just say to him, "I know you're frustrated. It's very hard when you can't say what you're thinking/feeling/etc." Like wantsababy mentioned, sometimes it's just heading off the whiney's all together. Some days i just go for a car ride if I'm feeling like we're both getting a little stir crazy and need a change of scenery/time to chill.

[trustinginHim]

yep, Abby's super whiney recently I think it's b/c they know what they want but can't tell us. Just keep encouraging him to use words, tell DH it's a phase, and that maybe when he's in charge if he can't stand it he may need to put him in his crib w/ some toys for a bit. I put Abby in her crib a few days ago, not b/c she was in "trouble" but b/c I couldn't handle another minute of her pulling on my legs while I was making dinner, I left the lights on and the door open and gave her a ton of toys, she quieted down and just sat there and played. Which was great for me, she was safe,and I was getting a much needed break. Do you have some friends DH can call in a pinch if he's desperate? we have friends available if we feel like we're going to blow our lid!! never used them yet, but I felt like it many days!! kids are very demanding and he's probably giving DH more hassal then you, just b/c he can. Hang in there, it's good to get help when you know you need it. good luck!

[Purple Martini]

I had a big post and it got lost somewhere --- arggg !!

Anyhoo, here goes again !

First of all a BIG thankyou to all of you for your time and thoughts on this. It is so hard and honestly while I can (kind of) cope, DH is having a stressful time. I will let him know what you have said and also that it is a phase that many babies go through and Rowan is not unique in that sense.

Hey Hilary, good to know that Jared is improving with aquision of more words !

Hey Claire, I will take a look at that book and leave it for DH too. You are right about the Dr's appt ! We have a 15-mo coming up so I'll suggest that DH comes too. Thanks Claire

WAB2, you are so right, while they love their little ones, my DH just doesn;t attend to his needs as I seem to be able too. I am with him more so I guess I know what he wants and have more patience at dealing with him. For eg. no point getting mad, simply pick him up and walk around the house chatting about inane stuff. He stops whining immediately but DH will be sitting downm holding Rowan on his lap trying to watch the news and wonder why he wont stop whining ! ARGGG !!!! I know that Rowan isn't doing it on purpose, I wish that DH realised that too !! I need to be more tollerant of DH too -- we deal differently ... I just cringe at the thought of Rowan whining with DH as then I'll have 2 grumpy men in the house !

Hey Julie, thanks for your post. I get down to his level, I think that DH does sometimes ! He does need to count to 10 (maybe even 20 LOL).

TIH, that's a great idea putting him in his crib ... or pack-and-play (well it;s a co-sleeper converted to a play pen). I never use it, I think that I will give it a go tomorrow as it's in the dining room ... thanks for reminding me that it;s there LOL !!

Again, thankyou all so very much for your thoughts and for chatting about this.

Teresa