Do you ever feel like you have nothing in common with the other mommies?

[Sophia1212]

I'm going to post this in other places to see what kind of responses I will get..

I am 38, gave birth at 36, mother of b/g multiples via IVF, work fulltime, with a dh who works nights and is not an active part of childraising, who is also much much older than me, have constant cultural issues, who doesn't speak English as fluently as I do, and has no family within 8 hours drive or 10 hour flight. and has no other mommy friend, but plenty of non-mommy friends... I have friends that are Japanese but do not speak English, and I have friends that have kids similar in age, but the mommies are in their 20s or early 30s, and I have friends that work out of the house, but have their dh's support... Basically, each of my friends and I only share a little in common and nothign else. When my galpals bffs want to go out, I cannot, because they don't have kids. When mommies want the little kids to playdate, I find the conversation really....boring, and when I find someone close to my match, they cannot relate to many of my issues because they don't understand what it is like to try to go do lunch with twins, alone...

Do you ever feel like you are an island?

I wish I knew someone like me to share things with. I feel so lonely alot of times..

sigh

[jan21]

Do you have any mothers of multiples groups in your area? That will put you in touch with mom of twins, plus they might be older too. I didn't join one but a met a friend of a friend who had twins about a month younger than me, and we were the same age. We talked to each other on the phone almost every day when they were toddlers.

Sorry you feel so lonely. You will probably meet more moms as your kids get older and they are in school/activities. Plus once people you know have their 2nd or 3rd child and your twins are older, you will have more in common with them (and then can joke about how they didn't realize how easy one child was).

HUGS

Janice
Laura & Elizabeth 11/29/00

[Jillian]

I will second this suggestion about joining a mothers of multiples club. When I had my twins I worked full time with women who didn't have kids. I decided to be a SAHM and my world became so different from theirs. I didn't have any friends I could relate to and was bored and lonely. There were moms in my neighborhood but they worked, had singletons and we just never clicked.
I joined my local mothers of multiples when my guys were 4 months old. i threw myself into activited just to stay busy and ended up having a blast! My kids did too. We started playgroups at about 9 months and loved it. I could chat with mommies and they could make friends too. I found some women I had no connection with, others I did. I got closer and closer to a few and they are still my best friends today, 5 years later. i ended up being President of the club because it meant so much to me. I'm still meeting interesting people and making friends and love it.
It will happen-put yourself out there and you'll feel better and eventually find a circle of friends you're comfortable with.

[Lois]

Yes, I feel somewhat isolated as well. I had my twins at 37 via IVF. I work FT. My dh is a sahd.....we know no one else where the dh is a sahd. I did join my MOM's club and it helped some, but I didn't get as involved as I should/could have and didn't make any close friends. It was nice to relate some of the twin trials with people who truly get that part though. We did a playgroup for a while with some other twins but I did feel out of place because they were all SAHM's. Then tney changed the day/time to accomodate the majority, and I had to drop out because it didn't work with my work schedule. We are somewhat active in our church and now that my twins are in Kindergarten I am slowly getting a little more "social". However I still don't feel like I have a "close friend". I have not connected on a really personal level with any woman at work either, due to the fact that they perceive me as more of a "superior/boss" (all of the people at my "level" are men)......so.....YES......I feel very similar to what your describing....no cultural issues here though.....I have come to somewhat accept the situation for now, and am trying to put my family and kids ahead of my personal wants.....I do find FT a great outlet too!

[MegSD]

When you work FT, your family is far away, and your DH doesn't help at all (mine does absolutely nothing) it IS lonely and hard

I've never joined any MOM's club - unless they meet on the weekends and I'm allowed to take my kids, it's not a choice for me I'm also realizing that the older and more independent they get (mine just turned 6), the "twin" thing isn't nearly as big of a factor.

My world got much better once mine started school (preschool at age 3) and I was dealing with a lot of other working mom's that were also short on time. We now schedule "quick" playdates for 30 minutes after school or early on the weekends. But, that's hard too because Sat/Sun are my only days to get "everything else" done...

No great words of advice, only that you're not alone and I hope it gets better once they get a bit older.


Meg

[dmbucky7]

Although our situations are different, I feel like you in many ways. As in, I don't have a good group of friends in similar situations, and those that I do have like me are too far away to visit with. Also, I'm away from family too, so I think that makes a HUGE difference. It causes stress that you don't even see relating. Do you feel like you could feel less seperated or stressed if your dh would help more? If so, can you talk with him about that? I know it's hard, but sometimes it helps... Best of luck to you and know that we're all here for you anytime---PM, email,etc!

[med]

HUGS!! I actually felt more like you before the boys were born, while dealing with IF. I now realize that some of that was self-imposed isolation. I have found my friends accidently, through my dogs(adopted from someone who bc close firends) and taking classes. Two of whom have no kids, one much younger and one older and one who has twins but is 10 years older than I am(twins only a year older than our boys). I have never been a person who has huge numbers of friends. I tend to have 2 or 3 people that I feel close to. It used to bother me, but I now I embrace it and just get that that is who I am-although it can feel lonely at times. Being able to come here and "talk" has helped sooo much too. I don't think you are alone in how you are feeling at all!

[LBWP]

I'm an older mom (I was 2 mo. shy of turning 39 when twins were born). I am 44 & my dh is 50. Our b/g twins are now 5 1/2. When I was in my 20's & 30's, I mostly found myself being the youngest in my crowd of friends. Now that I'm in my 40's, I find myself being the oldest in the crowd. Most of the mom's I socialize w/are in their early-mid 30's so I am min. 10 yrs. older than the maj. of them. I can't help but feel so old when I am w/them. I'm a member of MOMS clubs & I still encounter the same scenerio. I too wish I could meet some older parents of young children to socialize with. I understand your valid feelings.

L (44)
K&E=5.6

[foosiestwins]

Hello. I am in a similar boat. I was 39 when our twin boys were born 3 years ago. We have 2 older girls with lots of activities & homework all the time. My H works nights & is very little help. I work almost full time & I feel like a single Mom most of the time. Thank God my sainted mother helps me! I could not do it without her.

With the girls, we belonged to a great playgroup & that was a world of help in the companionship area. With the boys, none of my friends have kids that young anymore, so we are kind of lonely. I need to put effort into finding a playgroup! It is worth the effort for them & me!

[milkyrn]

I was 37 (2 wks shy of 38 actually!) when I had my twins due to IVF. The majority of my friends that are my age have older kids. I just find it hard to get out with both of them right now. THey aren't walking yet and they're heavy to carry! Unless we can use a stroller I really can't take them. I work 4 days a week from home with a nanny here to watch the girls. I feel isolated simply because I never get out of the house!

Thankfully I do have a ton of family in the area and that is my socialization. I also recently joined my MOM club and have met alot of people similar to me. We're going to try to do a playgroup although all of them admit it will have to be a short timespan since we are all short on time!

My dh is mildly helpful. Some of it is self imposed. I just am one of those people who tends to do everything myself. He needs lots of direction and it's just time consuming to always have to tell him what to do. I joke all the time (although somewhat seriously) that I would love to just have a day where I can do my own thing and not have to provide schedules or directions to be able to do it!