Do you punish your kids when they misbehave?

[wintak]

I know this sounds silly, but my mom asked me (and even she's seeing the outbursts) why, when he speaks to me disrespectfully do I not punish him. or even when he refuses to go to his special spot and try and calm down (with or without help). Why is he not punished.

I had no answer. None.

I've been trying so hard to work with him and what the therapist wants and to avoid the rages that he can have.

SO even though all our kids have different issues that we're all trying to work with, do you still punish for inappropriate behaviour? And if so, does that create even MORE issues?

This may sound like a silly question, but I truly had no answer for my mom.

Amy

[momla]

Yes, there are definitely consequences for misbehavior in this house. In my mind, misbehavior is something that is intentionally defiant. Somethings that may be considered misbehavior by NT kid standards may be a lack of understanding on Jake's part. Those do not get disciplined. Instead I use those as teaching moments. Sometimes there are gray areas.

[CathyNY]

Well, I deal with inappropriate behavior. LOL. Is that the same thing? I'm not sure I would be much of a punisher even if Nick were neurotypical. For me, human behaviors occur for a reason and as a parent I'm better off figuring out what's causing the behavior and dealing with the underlying cause--he's being mouthy because he's scared, because he's stressed, because he's a teenager and it's normal--than laying down punishment that may or may not work because it may or may not push the right buttons. I tend to prefer natural consequences (such as "If you can't stop yelling at your friend, I'm sending him home and the playdate will be over").

I admit things are different for me because Nick is rarely oppositional or rough the way many autistic kids are. That may be coming as he matures. . . or he may just be a gentle, eager-to-please child by nature (I was, so it's possible he is too). He has been known to bite, kick, or scratch me (usually just me) on occasion. Occasionally he has a "tantrum" of sorts, which means he lays down on the floor and won't move, knowing he is too big for me to pick up. I usually send him to his room to calm down (or, if we are out, I may take him out to the car to calm down). Almost always I find these episodes are associated with him being tired, stressed, or sick. After he has calmed down, I talk to him about his behavior.

I think the "discipline" eClaire is using sounds effective--and effective in the long term. I think when you've got ASD children you need to think that way. Remember, you've got a marathon to run, not a sprint.

BTW, I don't know whether, when your mom asks about him being "punished," this is code for you smacking or spanking him. I don't want to offend you at all, but did want to address the issue of physical punishment directly. I don't believe in hitting children (not trying to start a debate, just sharing my opinion), but in any case I think that physical discipline of autistic kids is just about useless. They tend to have very high pain thresholds and they just don't get it. Plus, you want to draw your ASD child closer to you, not push him/her away. They have enough stimulus encouraging them to withdraw from human contact. So again, I don't know if this is what you are referring to, and hope I don't offend at all, but I do want to emphasize that I don't think this kind of punishment works.

As far as what you should say to your mother, I think that would depend on whether she "gets" autism at all.

[Lori]

Yes, but, I know his impulsivity gets in the way alot of him "remembering" appropiate behavior. You can just see it....

So, there are times when I remind and get warnings.

[wintak]

No Cathy...it wasn't code. There have been essentially NO consequences (at least in my mind) for anything lately that he does. Every time he erupts (be it in being mouthy or angry and hitting etc) I was trying to work around it, ignore it etc. Mom was asking why when he pops off at me and acts VERY disrespectful why he has no consequence.

I had no idea. I think Igot so wrapped up in working around E and his tantrums and how NOT to have him blow up anymore that it just turned into no punishment even for "normal" misbehaviour (being disrespectful etc).

Thanks ladies...interesting thread.

AMy

[bayoubaby1]

"DH took Gil into the house (which got him protesting and kicking), brought him into a quiet room, removed all stimulus and applied deep pressure. It took several minutes but Gil was able to calm down, talk to us about what happened, return to the scene, apologize to his brother, help clean up the sand, and then get redirected to another activity. Was it punishment? LOL, if you asked him while he was being held in the deep pressure he would have said yes."

LOL...sounds like us here.

No "punishment" works here. We try to distract redirect inappropriate behaviors (my son is also only 3 1/2). We also use elimination and I tell him that I am turning my ears off when he is raging. That usually stops it now because if he think that we are not listening then he shuts it down.