Vent about my mom's lack of grandparenting (also on over 35 bb)

[cindyjumper]

I am just so upset, hoping if I get this out it will help me not be upset all day.

I posted before about our big appt. end of March for our autistic dd, lots of testing with developmental pediatrician. We also have a 3 year old, and my mom is our only babysitter. She said if she had a day off left (she's a teacher) she would watch younger dd, which would obviously relieve a lot of stress for me that day, since DH has to attend mandatory training for work. The last thing I need is dealing with 2 kids during a very long appointment, trying to discuss things with the doctor, plus dealing with the results alone (some results we'll get right away).

Today my mom calls and says she has 2 days left after all, so I am thrilled..for a second...as she then says if my great uncle dies (he's not doing well) and she needs 2 days off for funeral that I will need to help pay for her time off (she pays almost $200 per day and told me I'd need to pay $100). That isn't even an option for us on our tight budget, it just can't be justified and I am honestly so hurt she'd even say it since she knows our situation. It just signals to me she doesn't want to help out, and this really upsets me. She wants to save her precious days off "in case" he dies in the following 6 weeks or so, instead of using one to really help us out at the most important dr. appt. of the year, and the only one DH isn't able to get off work to attend/help.

If I had the $$ I would not mind at all, but we just can't do it. I realize it's just an "if" but it's a black cloud I don't need over me.

My great uncle is my grandmother's only living sibling now, my grandmother lives with my mom and that is why my mom is in the position to feel she must drive my grandmother out of town if he dies.

IMO, if he passes away, the funeral ought to be on a Sat. or whenever my grandmother is able to attend anyway. Or my mom could look at putting her on a plane if necessary, there are other options if my mom just could not miss work.

Also, while my mom is not well off, she'll have $100 worth of lattes or restaurant food in the next few weeks. That also hurts to think helping us is so far down on her list of priorities.

Maybe she'll come around and do it, but regardless at this point, she has really hurt me and disappointed me.

I have no siblings and my dad and DH's parents are all gone. Why can't the only living grandparent take a more active role in my girls' lives and jump at the chance to watch them?

Thank you for reading my vent. I know you will understand the difficulty I am facing and why I am so stressed about it.

Cindy

[cindyjumper]

Well I called DH and ended up in tears over this...and he said to tell mom we'd pay it if necessary. His view was we can justify it since the other rare times she babysat we didn't usually pay her. And hopefully she'll help us out more the in summer when she's off work.

Of course now I feel terribly guilty and like an inadequate mother for being willing to spend $100 we can't afford due to my own stress and not wanting to take 2 kids to this appt. I know there are lots of moms that do it, and I am just pathetic I guess. But having 2 small kids and one of them is autistic...well I may end up needing to intervene with my autistic dd there. I'm not sure sticker books, etc. would occupy younger dd for that long..plus potty breaks, etc. It could very likely be incredibly difficult, so I called mom and told her we'd pay it if necessary. Of course then she says she was going to call me back and tell me she'd do it and I could just help by staying with my grandmother some when mom was running errands, etc. Of course my grandmother has help daily now and has her own money to pay for it, long story there. Anyway, it's taken care of I guess. But I'm still very hurt. And I did tell my mom she's spend that $200 for a missed day easily this month on eating out and lattes. She said no way, but I know better. She has daily lattes, every day calls me in the drive thru on her way home. And she eats out at least 2 to 3 times a week, take out or eating there.

Thanks for the support Jan. I wonder the same thing myself.
I do wish we had someone else to help, but we just don't and really couldn't afford it anyway.

Cindy

[Renee2]

I am so sorry Cindy, that doesn't seem very fair to you. You have a lot on your hands right now and it isn't like you are asking for help so you can go to dinner and a movie. There are just some things you can't take both kids to. I wish your mom would open her eyes and her heart to what she has with her grandchildren. They are truley a gift. My parents cherish their grandbabies and would do anything for them and to help me out. My children meant the world to my mom who died a few months ago, I am just so happy that she got the chance to spend a lot of time with them and enjoy them like she did.

I hope everything works out and she will still help you for the appointment. And I pray that she changes her way!

[cindyjumper]

Thanks Renee. I am so sorry about you losing your mom.

Cindy

[scoute]

Im so sorry. As if you dont have enough to worry about. My mom can be really inconsiderate sometimes too. parents are supposed to be more supportive.

Hugs,
Lisa

[JKX2]

I feel for you. There is no way I would want to take either of my DDs along with my DS for a dev. ped. appointment. Too much is going on. It takes a lot of thinking to answer questions correctly and then absorb what the DR is saying. You're not pathetic at all. You should not feel badly. Any chance you can get some respite help? We get allotted about 15 hours a week. Has your DD qualified for that? I'm glad your mom agreed to help. It's tough when you expect support from someone (especially a mom) and they aren't there for you or just don't get it.

Take care.

JKX2

[CathyNY]

My MIL generally has an excuse whenever she is asked to help. Usually it involves her car or one of her cats. I often wish Nicky got the tender loving care that her cats do.

[Kat281]

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC! You're going to need to only have one to take in whatever the doctor has to say. I cant believe that you mom is giving you bs like that about the whole thing. This is a big deal. She should be more supportive. I hope for your sake everything works out.

[Lori]

Hey - you are not pathatic at all! I wouldn't take Natalie either to an appt like that. Heck, I won't even take Natalie to drop off Chase at a therapy session! Its just TOO much...having to juggle both kids...Chase could bolt...Chase might not like the idea that Natalie is in "his territory" etc. Bottom line is...I have a full time nanny to help me with things like this...I am spoiled! But, I would not call myself pathatic. Its just HARD!!!!!! And, if you don't have to do it, why put yourself in this stressful situation!

I am glad your mom is coming around and your DH was so understanding. But, darn it...it shouldn't have come to this!!!

Lori

[CathyNY]

I am glad your mom is coming around and your DH was so understanding. But, darn it...it shouldn't have come to this!!!

I agree. I think it was Kimmie who said somewhere that she thought grandparents were a lot less willing to help out than they once were. It just makes life so much easier when you have a cheerful, willing babysitter for your kids--even if all the grandparents do is just sit on the sofa, keep the children safe, and let them watch TV or run around.