Feels Like It's Been Forever

[munchkin]

Since I posted here or had someone who would truly understand the depths of the loss of Skylar.

So much has happened and the hardest of all was the birth of my niece. Oh the pressure I was getting indirectly to go to the baby shower...and no one even came to me to tell me my sister was expecting a girl. Guess that was going to be a surprise for me too although I did find out before hand so I was able to make the decision to not go. Then the phone call....the baby's here. Just another twist in the gut. Took me about a week and I went to visit my sister and the baby at home. I was surprised at how well I was able to keep myself together. I cried on the way there...I don't know why the anticipation was worse than physically seeing her. I held her right away. My arms ache everyday for my daughter yet holding my niece made it no worse.

I watch all my boys grow...the babies now 2 yrs old and I look at how different they are and my mind wonders as to what my baby girl would have looked like. Would she have resembled me? Or her brothers who look like dh.

I see little girls playing at the park..some in their pretty dresses and hair put up and I think of all the things I'll never have. And yet I feel so guilty when I look back at my boys and wonder how I can long for something I don't have when I do have these beautiful miracles to love and hold.

I've made some new friends over the last few months and have spoken about Skylar quite often. One is a loss mom herself. The one thing I tell people is that I am not the same person I was before losing her. My family sees it, the friends I've had over the years see it....and I have seen it. I long for the "old" me at times....the part of me that will forever be gone.

I find myself longing for the day I get to hold my baby girl in my arms again. At times wishing it was here already and then being torn because I live for my living children. They are what keeps me going everyday.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. A bit of rambling about a lil of everything I suppose. So much on my mind...in my shattered heart....

Well if you've gotten this far ty for listening.



munchkin

[BC-MiracleTwins]

Munchkin,
I am so sorry for this pain you are feeling. We all know it all too well sadly. I just I had more to day to you, than the regular sorrowing words. Though I am sure Skylar is by your side every waking moment and wipes your tears that you shed.
Everyone changes after a loss. Part of our souls go with our angel(s) and wishes to be with them. By posting, I hope that it has released some tension and helped you by knowing we all know your pain.

My heart ache for all of our fallen angels, who for somehow picked us up and taught us how to live again.

((((((((((Big hugs)))))))))))

I keep a pic of our angels on the fridge. When the twins see all the pics I tell them who they are. I have no shame. And in fact am a proud angel mommy.
Will you let your boys know about Skylar?

[munchkin]

Originally Posted by BC-MiracleTwins

Will you let your boys know about Skylar?

Oh of course. Without the sacrifice of life Skylar gave, my boys would not be here. I cannot imagine what that would be like either. Such a warped concept to try to wrap my head around.

I have Skylar's footprints with her name tattooed on my chest over my heart. The babies see it now and point to it. I tell them that those are their sister's footprints. Although they don't quite understand because they will point or look for dd...lol...They do know in their own way. In fact, they have pointed to the tattoo and then kissed it...no prompt from me. It really does melt my heart.

I have her ashes, along with some mementos on a shelf in my entertainment center. Along with her pic on the front of a memory box and her little dress and bonnet in a shadow box with her name on it, sitting on my dresser. So not only is she in my memory, she is part of our family, the only physical way possible and I will continue to keep her memory alive as long as I walk this earth.

[Minnie2]

I sooo understand this concept. My issue is the other way around. I have 2 living girls. I love my Son, my only son. I love my girls to no end but neither would probley be here if I hadn't lost thier brother. I desperatly long for a little boy, would it have been that way anyway just having the 2 girls ? Or is it because he was the little child I lost ?I'll never know, so many what if's and forever unanswered questions. (((sigh))) so is the life of a loss mom.

[munchkin]

Originally Posted by Minnie2

(((sigh))) so is the life of a loss mom.

So....so....true

[Minnie2]

oh and no matter how long your gone you are Welcome back here to open arms !!

[munchkin]

Originally Posted by Minnie2

oh and no matter how long your gone you are Welcome back here to open arms !!

Thank you...I needed to hear that. s

[StaceyTX]

You are not alone. There are many of us here who long for our little girls....and of course, just as many who long for their little boys! (((hugs)))

[BC-TessToo]

C,

Oh my heart is so happy to come here today and see posts from you! I should leave the board more often if I get these kinds of welcome backs!

I have tons to reply and update, but I'm zonked right now. Just got off a 12 hour flight, so I need to crash. But I'll be back soon to catch up with 'ya, girl!

It's so good to "see" you again! Yay!

-T

[munchkin]

Originally Posted by BC-TessToo

C,

Oh my heart is so happy to come here today and see posts from you! I should leave the board more often if I get these kinds of welcome backs!

I have tons to reply and update, but I'm zonked right now. Just got off a 12 hour flight, so I need to crash. But I'll be back soon to catch up with 'ya, girl!

It's so good to "see" you again! Yay!

-T

Ty so much Tess!! We'll catch up...get some rest

s