Missing Joshua

[Charmian]

Hi ladies.
The title of my post says it all. Of course I miss Joshua all the time, but now that Brodie is here, I seem to miss him even more. Before I had Brodie I didn't really know what I was missing with Joshua if that makes sense. Now seeing all the things that Brodie does and how much I love him it really makes me wish I got to have the same relationship with Joshua
Also, I have been having to make a concious effort to make sure to not call Brodie Joshua. Even though we never got to bring Joshua home and parent him, for some reason I almost always want to call Brodie Joshua and actually dh and I have called him that on numerous occasions....

On a side note, I am LOVING being a mommy. I can't believe how much I love my little man I guess it just makes me realize what I am missing with Joshua....

[BC-NanceLee]

(((hugs)))

Oh, honey. Of course you are. Of course Brodie's very presence is putting Joshua's absence into stark, recognizable form. I am so sorry.

And I bet Brodie doesn't mind at all if you call him by his big brother's name.

((more hugs))

NL

[Minnie2]

I totally understand. I of course missed JT so much after my loss. Then having Emma just over a year latey made that loss even so much more intense. It's normal. Just like you said I knew what I was missing with my son.

[StaceyTX]

I remember this feeling. I had such GUILT when I first came home with Kyler. If I went to take his picture, I'd immediately feel guilty because I didn't have the same picture of Lily. I hardly have any pictures of Kyler from that age because of the amount of guilt.

I think it is totally normal. (((hugs)))

[StaceyTX]

PS. I remember posting this same thing when I brought Kyler home!

[Margarete Anne]

Charmian,

Hugs. Your feelings are entirely normal, it is a new and different sort of grief.

Please know that we are here to listen anytime at all.

[momto3angels]

Charmain,

I dont' frequent FT anymore but I have been checking in here recently because I was actually wondering when this post would show up from you. (((hugs))). The mixed emotions you feel holding your living child is so complex but so normal and I would guess that all of us who have gone on to have living children have felt this way to some degree or another.

When Joey came home from the hospital, there were times when R and I called him Ryan (even though Ryan never came home with us). With time, Joey developed into his own little person and the frequency with which I called him Ryan declined until it just didn't happen anymore. Joey became Joey. That will happen with Joshua and Brodie, too. It just takes a little time

There were many times late at night when I would sit and hold Joey and rock him and feed him and hold him and love him but I would also cry horridly painful tears for the son who died-the son I would never hold or feed or watch grow. It's all a very normal process of grieving and recovering when you have a subsequent child.

Try to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling~be it happiness or sadness or both. Love is like a candle and flame-you can use one candle to light another and both will have the same strength in their flames. Loving and mourning Joshua do not change the love you have for Brodie. Loving and enjoying Brodie does not change to love you have for Joshua. Try not to feel guilty about any of your feelings because they are all very normal.

(((hugs)))

[hedgehog]

It makes so much sense... It really can be so bitter sweet. I remember there was one night I sat in the rocking chair holding sleeping DD and I bawled my eyes out. I was so happy to hold her, but I missed K so much... And the thoughts of could/would have were so guiltingly overwhelming.

You love both of your sons. You have only one in your arms. Missing the other is normal, sadly so very normal

[BC-Crystal]

I've been there sweetie. For me I thought it was something resulting from having Lane so close to Hannah's death. I was pregnant with him just 3 months after her death and sort of put my grieving on hold for his pregnancy. Once he was born, I was a complete mess. I loved him dearly ( as you do Brodie) but like you said once he was born I realized so much more fully just what I was missing. But after reading the other replies, I guess it is a pretty normal thing for a loss parent to experience. The guilt seems never ending at times. Being so incredibly over the moon happy to have your living child and then feeling guilty for being happy when your other child isn't here. Then guilty towards your living child for feeling guilty about the other. Take it as it comes and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling at the moment. We are here for you.

[Charmian]

Thanks ladies...all your words have warmed my heart!