Baby showers and such vent (baby, pg ment)

[hedgehog]

I have gone to a few work "baby lunches" in the past 2 years. But I mostly hang out in the back, eat my food and listen to the older crowd say "oh, they did not have ___ back when mine were little". Actually that kind of convo can be rather entertaining LOL Plus I have an easy escape route and can just take the food to my office, people always float in and out, so it's not like anyone would care. I have not done organization of such lunch since we lost K. There were a couple of opportunities but they were shortly after and I just was in no shape and form to even pick out a card, let alone orchestrate something.

And now I am doing one, not alone, and the girl I am doing it with is awesome and understanding. I had fun shopping for the gifts (nothing like spending someone else's money LOL). But I am starting to dread the event itself. On top of that I am invited for brunch with the mom-to-be so that we all "marvel" over this. Both events are within couple of weeks of each other. I don't know if I can handle it. All the "marveling" LOL And there will be people that don't know me at the brunch... What if they ask me questions... What I have to say scares the crap out of most people, and especially moms-to-be. I know, I'll just stick to the platitudes... sigh... I can not say that I am jealous, but I do have a bit of envy. Maybe at the joy of it. Maybe at the naiveté that I see.

Shoot, the last two times I never even got this big (she is farther along) No one fawned over me (except DH). And people did not know how to even talk to me afterwords, both times. K's birth was not publicized at work really. And most family and friends never mention him, ever. I feel like I have to defend his existance anytime I mention him. I but even with Abi there was no department wide announcement, nothing at all (cause everyone was holding their breath too), our church announcment was way too long, since it was mostly a prayer request and it even did not have her name in it, because it was all a freaking blur (shoot our preacher was trying to find me in L&D the morning that she was born - let's say he was a bit suprised to be redirected to NICU). I did not bring to show her off at work and we were absent from church for months (stupid RSV seson), and the ones that came to see her in NICU got a lecture about the 2 minute scrub instead of the recount of sleepless nights and looked at me with pity (for the lack of better term, I guess) instead of sharing in the joy of a new life. Can I just stomp my foot and say that I want to be naive mother-to-be that is joyfully anticipating a birth and stressing out over slings, clothes and baby gear? OK, I really don't - the possibility of pg, remote it may be, scares the daylights out of me. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just me realizing that I will never really have another chance.

Anyways, I have no point... I need to get this off my chest. I have been feeling low lately, lots of little things.... This is just not helping anything either. I know I'll suck it up and get through it. I just don't want to suck it up.

[AnnMarie]

Oh, I soooo hear you on this. My sister who I love, love, love and is one of my very best friends is pg and everyone keeps uttering those famous words, "Oh, she is 19 weeks so she is past the point of anything bad happening." Uggghhhhh...I WAS 22 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish with all my might that I could be naive again. I wish I could look forward and enjoy baby showers. I can't. I don't feel the joy. I feel jealous (I know for a different reason but jealous anyway). I feel sad that loss is like a tornado. You never know where it is going to hit and there is no rhyme or reason when it does. Your life is never the same after you are hit and you spend the rest of your life in a state of "I can't believe that happened to me" and always looking differently at people that are lucky enough to escape being hit.

You are sooooo not alone in this vent, my dear friend.