am I being oversensitive?

[nala301]

I haven't posted here before, but I need someone who understands, and I know you all do.

Since Matthew died, I have always seen butterflies as symbolic for him and used them when remembering him. Butterflies tend to be common as symbolisim for angel babies, so it seemed natural. I have butterflies all over the house, and close friends of ours release butterflies for us at his grave every year. I also get a cake decorated with them on his birthday.

My brother is getting married this spring, and they are having the ceremony at a butterfly house. It will be hard for me to be focused on the bride and groom in that surrounding, but that is their choice. I have chosen to view it as a way to have Matthew be there in spirit. My brother has NEVER acknowledged my son, other then coming to his funeral. I know they are not using the location as a way to include Matthew because that would never even occur to my brother. Today, he told me that he and his fiancee will be doing a butterfly release at the ceremony. I feel like I have been kicked in the gut. They are not doing it as a remembrance of Matthew, but as a celebration of their marriage. While I know I don't "own" the idea of a butterfly release, it is sacred to me, and I feel like he has totally ignored my feelings. I don't understand how he can symbolize his marriage with the same thing I use for my dead son.

I should mention that he also has never seen DD, who is now almost 14 months old. So, he doesn't seem to care about any of my kids, not just Matthew. He is probably just absolutely clueless, but he is causing me so much pain over this whole thing.

[hedgehog]

I don't think that you are oversensitive. Symbols are symbols for a reason, and sure you do not "own" butterflies, but honest to goodness, he should have been more considerate of you (or at least have told his bride about Matthew, and she might have not wanted to do it this way). I think even when our families fail to acknowledge our angels we still hope that maybe they will "the next time" and it is hard to come to the next time and they still have no clue.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. We see the world in different light in a sense and other just do not understand.

ETA: I feel a bit snarky this morning too, so you can also "sweetly" mention to his bride how you have heard about the butterfly release in the plans and tell her that it is so beautiful and touching to see a release since you do it every year for Matthew.

[tarasue]

Nala, you are not being oversensitive! Your brother is being insensitive. It is probable that his fiancee has no idea--since your brother has never acknowledged Matthew, he probably hasn't mentioned his nephew to his bride-to-be.

Does your brother live far away? You didn't say, but because he hasn't even seen your dd, that would be my guess. My family lives very close to me, but they don't remember Matthew... there is a perception that I need to "move on" and not think or talk about him at all.

I am sorry that your brother is hurting your feelings.

[TessToo]

No you are not being oversensitive at all.

As a fellow "butterfly mom" I don't think I could ever attend a wedding in a butterfly house or butterfly release without thinking of only my daughter. I don't "own" butterflies, either. But to me, they are her thing and always will be.

Have you been on around the board long enough to read the term DHAC? It means "doesn't have a clue" (or care). I'm sorry, hon. Sounds like your brother fits firmly into the DHAC category. If he just gave this situation any compassionate thought at all, he'd see how potentially hurtful this would be for you.

YOU are not being oversensitive. HE is being insensitive.
And I totally agree with Hedgehog's "snarky" comment. I'd definitely mention something to the bride if I were you.

((HUGS)) I'm sorry that you are having to have this discussion with yourself. I'm sorry butterflies have any meaning for you other than the upcoming wedding. And I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved Matthew.

I wish you strength dealing with the wedding to come. Please come here and vent any time you want. ((HUGS))

[monarchbutterfly]

absolutely 1001% you are NOT being oversensitive. of course you do not own butterflies, but if i was in teh same situation as you i would be equally upset. i do not own butterflies eitehr but i have adopted the monarch butterfly for my baby girl. could i ever go to an event at a butterfly house or witness a butterfly release and NOT think of her....there is simply no way no how for no amount of anything in the world would that happen.
i wish you strength for the wedding and the event in itself.

[nala301]

Thank you, I needed some validation of my feelings.

My brother lives in another state, as do my parents. In fact, I didn't even know he was dating when he told me about his engagement. I highly doubt his bride knows about Matthew. I've thought about emailing him a snarky response (Thanks for including my son in your wedding), but I would probably get the usual "get over it, it's been three years" sort of response. I belong to a highly dysfunctional family of DHAC's. They made me go to a coffee shop to "catch up on each other's lives" the day after I buried Matthew. I'm still bitter about that 3 years later.

I got a little off track there, but I guess I'm trying to say there is really nothing I can do about it. I fear I am going to get the butterfly themed invitations, and see other butterfly themed wedding stuff. I just keep reminding myself that it is just one day I will have to get through.

[hedgehog]

oh honey... that behavior passes the DHAC in my mind, that is just plain hurtful. I am so sorry that your family treats you this way.

You are probably right - they will send you butterfly stuff.... I know I find something a bit easier to handle when I know it's coming, but I just hate the thought of you trying to prepare yourself for this. It's just so unfair to you. Many hugs and "strength" vibes across the miles. Come here and vent whenever you need!

[herbie1]

Hugs and I'm glad to see you made it over here. You are so not oversensitive. Some people just don't think when it comes to our angels. I'm sorry your brother is one of them...

[bigdipper]

Nope, not being overly sensative, but I tend to agree with you. If you are not close with your brother, it doesn't sound like you can stop this train. If your brother has never acknowledged Matthew himself, than the symbol surely is lost in translation to him and it would probably cause you more stress to urge him to change the plans. Especially because it sounds like they won't back down anyway.

Today is NOT a good day for me so maybe I should just not even be responding to things, but I'm thinking of it from a different angle. Your brother's fiance probably doesn't know anything about Matthew and from the sounds of it, you two don't know each other very well at all. Perhaps butterflies have some deeply personal meaning to her as well. (not saying probably, just maybe) There may be some back story to her or to them that entials butterflies and to them, this is more than fitting for their special day.

So as much as it will hurt, and it will rightfully so, I would just bite my lip and take in the day filled with YOUR memories of Matthew flying all around you. People always cry at weddings. You just don't need to reveal to a single soul that you are crying for your beautiful baby boy.

[Kim in Oz]

Oh sweetie, butterflies are my "thing" too so I completely understand your feelings. It certainly sounds like your brother's fiance may be unaware of what butterflies mean to you. It may even be that she doesn't know about Matthew at all. So I'm guessing there really was no insensitivity on her part at least. Your brother I'm not si sure about!

I'm sorry you're going to be dealing with the butterfly themed invitations and all that will come after it. I know it will be hard. (((HUGS)))

BTW - and on a different subject, I'm presuming that's you in your avatar?? I love it!