Ranbling vent (lc ment)

[Carrots]

I don't post here often, but tonight I am overcome with grief and needed to vent to someone. DH is asleep.

Quick background, I lost triplets, Adam, Ben and Caroline on March 11, 2007 at 23w5d due to TTTS, PTL and IC. While trying to fall asleep earlier, I realized I am having a hard time remembering what Adam and Ben looked like. For some reason, the hospital did not take pictures of them, only Caroline and I did not find this out until days after I was released and by then it was too late. At the time, I remember being relieved that I had at least Caroline's picture, but oh how I wish I could "see" them in my mind like I can see Caroline when I think of her.

(lc ment)
Additionally, I have been so busy with Ava lately that I haven't thought of them as much as I used to... like I have been to busy to grieve. I have thought about taking out their memory box, but if I do look at it, I need give it my full attention to do it right. I need time to look at their things and fall apart and then more time to pull myself back together so I can function and be a mom to Ava. I just don't have that chunk of time to devote right now.

I am feeling like a terrible mom to my triplets while trying to be the best mom to Ava.

I have no idea if I am making any sense to anyone else other than myself, but it feels better to get it out.

Thanks for listening to my rambling.

[tarasue]

You are making perfect sense.

I have no advice, hon, but try to remember that you are the BEST mom to ALL of your kids.

I'm up with a sick baby... too tired to post a better reply than this. I'll try to come back after a nap, okay?

[Crystal]

I can totally relate. It's hard, this parenting after a loss. I'm sorry that you didn't get pictures of the boys I remember when I stopped being able to "smell" Hannah on her things from the hospital and it was so hard for me. I felt like I had lost her all over again. And I remember when I couldn't remember what it felt like to hold her, that weight of her in my arms.. I felt like a horrible mom for not being able to remember that and I was so sad for a long time.

My oldest LC will turn 9 on Friday. December has always been a rough month for me because Hannah's birthday is also in December. She would have turned 10 on the 29th of this month. After I had him, I felt so guilty for being so darn happy. How can I be happy when my daughter is dead? Then I felt guilty because there were days when I wasn't happy and I was sad and I was so incredibly blessed with him. It was a never ending cycle for a long time. Somehow, and I don't know how, really, I just found a medium, and in between place where I feel okay with feeling blessed for having my LC but I allow myself moments to feel sad as well. But like you said, it's hard because I wasn't often the mother I needed to be to my LC because I was so consumed with my sadness, my grief over Hannah.

Now, I am more in that medium mode. My LC is also older and understands that sometimes mommy is sad around Christmas. He likes to help pick out things for her grave for her birthday and that has helped me with the guilty feelings. No real advice but an understanding hug. I agree with Tarasue. You are the best mom to all of your kids.

[hedgehog]

Oh, it makes sense. You are a good mum to all four of them. I think it's understandable too. It is a catch 22 in many senses and there is just nothing that can make it feel "right". I am so sorry that the hospital did not take pictures of the boys. I think it is difficult to understand why. Not thinking about your trio every minute of everyday though does not reflect on your love for them. I think it is showing not just that you are busy with Ava, but it does show that you are processing your grief, you looking for some sort of balance, your new "normal".

I have opened K's box all but 2 times. It takes me time to work up to doing it, and then like you I just fall to pieces. Actually, I have been looking at his box and saying to DH pretty much every evening "we should open it again" for 2 months now. We keep waiting for the "perfect moment"... it has not happenned yet, and I sort of doubt that it will. I think that eventually I will work up the courage to just do it, maybe tonight... (or maybe not)

Many

[StaceyTX]

Hugs!!!

Friday night (Lily's b-day) I will be staying up very late so that I can look thru Lily's memory box. So I understand the need to do it by yourself.

[Minnie2]

I'm so sorry you didn't get pictures of your boys. Don't feel guilty about grieving the loss of your little ones. Guilt after all else you have been thr is way to much. I do understand though. Things will change as time goes on. They will always be part of you no matter if you think of them every minute or just when a gentle breeze blows by that reminds you of them. They know that. We know that. Be gentle on yourself !! ( ok so a rambling reply )

[bigdipper]

It's got to be brutal not having pictures of the boys. I'm so sorry the hospital didn't think of that.

You make perfect sense about not having the time to grieve properly. My ds came to us quite soon after my dd was gone. I went through a period initially that if I was happy about ds, I would be cheating on dd. If I was sad about dd, I wasn't grateful for ds. A few months into this I thought SCREW IT. If I had 5 minutes to be sad, go with it. If I was in a heap of tears and my ds did something to make me smile, go with it. Try not to pigeon hole yourself into "I must feel happy now" or "I must feel sad now" It is entirely possible to feel both at the very same time. I have 6 years of proof. If all of your children were living, you couldn't give them all 100% at the exact same time. This does not make you a bad mom, it's reality. Same is true in this situation. You are not a bad mom for grieving your children in the presense of your dd and you are not a bad mom for enjoying your dd in the wake of your triplets death.

About the box, I can only speak for myself on this, but I never specifically set aside time to look at her stuff. I know it's very emotional, but even if I had 3 minutes and I wanted to, I did. Sometimes a short but powerful cry was all I needed to reconnect with her, then I could carry on with my day. It seemed far less daunting that way to do it in small doses. Mallory's bag of things is in our fireproof safe. To this day, if I have to go in the safe for something else, I rifle through her bag even if only for a second.

Now go and have a great 2 minute cry if that's all you have time for.