My thoughts six years later............

Karin · 12-19-2005, 11:59 AM

It feels strange this year. I'm a day away from Michael's birth/death day and it doesn't feel like other years . I haven't been having many flashbacks at all during this month. Maybe one or two. I'm not sad about tomorrow the 20th of Dec. DH is even going to work tomorrow for the first time in 6 years. He couldn't take the day off due to his boss having vacation time. Plus they are very busy. I am actually ok with it. I'm actually worried that I'm doing more then ok. I haven't had any meltdowns where I just cry. I've shed a tear or two but that's been it. I remember a couple of months after Michael died. I was getting my haircut and my hairdresser said to me. You know Karin, there will be a time when you will have living children. You will be so busy with them there won't be much time in the day to "dwell". I was horrified with what she said but coming from someone that had never had children I gave her a pass! Now when I look back at that statement I have to admit that she was right. Six years is a long time and I am happily busy with a rambunctious almost 3 year old and a 17 month old! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Michael but thinking of him doesn't bring out that great sadness that once filled my heart.

I've been very busy this month especially within the last two weeks. We're hosting Christmas this year for the FIRST time in a very long time. I'm actually very excited about it. It's a ton of work but will be so worth it not having to take the girls anywhere on Christmas day. My family is coming to us.

Maybe this has something to do with my at peace post I wrote about last Winter. I've finally come to terms with Michael's death. I don't feel guilty anymore. It's something that just happened. I can't blame myself forever so I've let all that guilt go. This has been a wonderful Christmas season for me, dh and the girls. I feel VERY blessed to have these two precious little girls in my life.

So tomorrow I will honor my little boy who would of been six years old and in kindergarten this year. I will think back six years when I gave birth to my beautiful angel boy and thank him for showing me what the love between mother and child truly is. I know in my heart that he is ok. That WE are ok. I will look at Angela and Carolyn tomorrow (like I do everyday) and thank him for bringing them to me. Someday they will know all about their big brother who lived for only a moment on this earth but will continue to live on in our hearts. My life is full and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Six years later.... yes, I am at peace.

Happy Birthday my beautiful little boy!

buggs · 12-19-2005, 12:30 PM

Happy Birthday to your precious little angel - and big hugs to you.

Bev

StaceyTX · 12-19-2005, 01:42 PM

I don't make it to the loss board much anymore, so I'll say it here.

Happy Birthday Michael.

You sound like you are in such a good place now. I hope I find that place soon.

Twins_Squared · 12-19-2005, 11:14 PM

Karin,

I'm so glad...on many different levels, to hear that you are feeling more "peaceful" (for lack of a better word) about Michael's death. Like Stacey, I hope I find the peace you know have and hope that tomorrow, 12/20, passes gently for you!

**BC-monarchbutterfly** · 12-20-2005, 04:00 AM

karin,
i too am glad you have been able to find the place you are at now. i know it will never be easy and that michael will forever be a part of your life but at the same time it is hreat to hear you in good spirits as you approach the day you sai dgoodbye to him rather than the turmoil and heartache i know you have faced in the years past.
i only hope that someday i too will find the place you are in now.

**BC-Crystal** · 12-20-2005, 05:05 AM

Karin..

I love you.

Happy Birthday today Sweet Micheal.

momto3angels · 12-20-2005, 07:38 AM

Karin~

I was really touched by your words~your feelings and your peace. I think it is such a great honor to Michael that you are able to recognize the gifts his life has brought you and that you are able to continue to live and enjoy life. What a beautiful honor to your son.

I hope that your peace continues through today and all your days. However, if the time comes when you are sad and crying tears, I hope those tears are cleansing for you.

Happy Birthday Micheal, you have a truely remarkable Mom.

bigdipper · 12-20-2005, 12:36 PM

Quote:

So tomorrow I will honor my little boy who would of been six years old and in kindergarten this year. I will think back six years when I gave birth to my beautiful angel boy and thank him for showing me what the love between mother and child truly is. I know in my heart that he is ok. That WE are ok. I will look at Angela and Carolyn tomorrow (like I do everyday) and thank him for bringing them to me. Someday they will know all about their big brother who lived for only a moment on this earth but will continue to live on in our hearts. My life is full and I have a lot to be thankful for.

So beautifully put Karin. I wish you continued Peace, continued Love, and continued reflection.

Katie · 12-20-2005, 07:46 PM

Karin... Thank you for sharing that. I'm so glad you are at peace.

Happy Birthday Michael!

SueZ · 12-20-2005, 08:27 PM

that's wonderful, Karin, you are at peace. It must be a, is nice the word for it, feeling?? I mean to not have guilt and to feel blessed with what you have, it is a good feeling I"m sure. I haven't gotten there yet and not sure I ever will. I wish I could feel like you do. I know what you mean about husbands taking off, we take off every year and last year, I remember I worked briefly, but I did feel guilty about it. But who knows how I will feel in the years to come

I just want to wish Michael a Happy Birthday in heaven

12-19-2005, 11:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
Karin 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: MA Posts: 11,868 Blog Entries: 650	My thoughts six years later............ It feels strange this year. I'm a day away from Michael's birth/death day and it doesn't feel like other years . I haven't been having many flashbacks at all during this month. Maybe one or two. I'm not sad about tomorrow the 20th of Dec. DH is even going to work tomorrow for the first time in 6 years. He couldn't take the day off due to his boss having vacation time. Plus they are very busy. I am actually ok with it. I'm actually worried that I'm doing more then ok. I haven't had any meltdowns where I just cry. I've shed a tear or two but that's been it. I remember a couple of months after Michael died. I was getting my haircut and my hairdresser said to me. You know Karin, there will be a time when you will have living children. You will be so busy with them there won't be much time in the day to "dwell". I was horrified with what she said but coming from someone that had never had children I gave her a pass! Now when I look back at that statement I have to admit that she was right. Six years is a long time and I am happily busy with a rambunctious almost 3 year old and a 17 month old! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Michael but thinking of him doesn't bring out that great sadness that once filled my heart. I've been very busy this month especially within the last two weeks. We're hosting Christmas this year for the FIRST time in a very long time. I'm actually very excited about it. It's a ton of work but will be so worth it not having to take the girls anywhere on Christmas day. My family is coming to us. Maybe this has something to do with my at peace post I wrote about last Winter. I've finally come to terms with Michael's death. I don't feel guilty anymore. It's something that just happened. I can't blame myself forever so I've let all that guilt go. This has been a wonderful Christmas season for me, dh and the girls. I feel VERY blessed to have these two precious little girls in my life. So tomorrow I will honor my little boy who would of been six years old and in kindergarten this year. I will think back six years when I gave birth to my beautiful angel boy and thank him for showing me what the love between mother and child truly is. I know in my heart that he is ok. That WE are ok. I will look at Angela and Carolyn tomorrow (like I do everyday) and thank him for bringing them to me. Someday they will know all about their big brother who lived for only a moment on this earth but will continue to live on in our hearts. My life is full and I have a lot to be thankful for. Six years later.... yes, I am at peace. Happy Birthday my beautiful little boy! __________________ Karin Mom to my angel Michael b/d 12/20/99 from IC/ severe prematurity My two precious girls "A" 6 "C" 5 "Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things" Last edited by Karin; 12-19-2005 at 12:03 PM.

12-19-2005, 01:42 PM	#3 (permalink)
StaceyTX 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Texas, USA Posts: 13,994 Blog Entries: 690	I don't make it to the loss board much anymore, so I'll say it here. Happy Birthday Michael. You sound like you are in such a good place now. I hope I find that place soon. __________________ Born in Heaven 12/5/01 6 years old 4 years old (allergic to eggs, peanuts, wheat, soy, milk, corn, dog dander, and cockroaches) 2 years old (RAST negative to everything but egg) "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away" - unknown

12-19-2005, 11:14 PM	#4 (permalink)
Twins_Squared 10000-15000 post ace of hearts Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: United States Posts: 18,853 Blog Entries: 20	Karin, I'm so glad...on many different levels, to hear that you are feeling more "peaceful" (for lack of a better word) about Michael's death. Like Stacey, I hope I find the peace you know have and hope that tomorrow, 12/20, passes gently for you! __________________ 5 years old! "We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give."----Sir Winston Churchill

12-20-2005, 04:00 AM	#5 (permalink)
BC-monarchbutterfly BC - Loss of Infant/Child Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: one of the s's: school, studying or sleep...pick one :) Posts: 12,715 Blog Entries: 59	karin, i too am glad you have been able to find the place you are at now. i know it will never be easy and that michael will forever be a part of your life but at the same time it is hreat to hear you in good spirits as you approach the day you sai dgoodbye to him rather than the turmoil and heartache i know you have faced in the years past. i only hope that someday i too will find the place you are in now. __________________ me and my three: and my three very sweet angels, who will never be forgotten: (18+wks) (5wks) (8wks)

12-20-2005, 05:05 AM	#6 (permalink)
BC-Crystal Parenting After Loss Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: somewhere out there.. Posts: 5,594 Blog Entries: 819	Karin.. I love you. Happy Birthday today Sweet Micheal. __________________ Crystal Hannah Lane "Hope" Steven "Our children change us- whether they live or not.. ~ Lois McMaster Bujold~"

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12-19-2005, 12:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
buggs Registered User Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 485	Happy Birthday to your precious little angel - and big hugs to you. Bev

12-20-2005, 07:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
momto3angels 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: South NJ Posts: 3,710 Blog Entries: 5	Karin~ I was really touched by your words~your feelings and your peace. I think it is such a great honor to Michael that you are able to recognize the gifts his life has brought you and that you are able to continue to live and enjoy life. What a beautiful honor to your son. I hope that your peace continues through today and all your days. However, if the time comes when you are sad and crying tears, I hope those tears are cleansing for you. Happy Birthday Micheal, you have a truely remarkable Mom. __________________ AR 9 IVF & 1 FET Mom to angels: H 10/24-10/25/03, R b/d 10/27/03 and A b/d 10/28/03. Earth Angels: J b 5/08/05 and L b 5/26/07 ^i^ ^i^ == A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment, Its glory and beauty belong to our world…But then it flies on again, And though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it.

12-20-2005, 07:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
Katie Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Virginia Posts: 1,441 Blog Entries: 44	Karin... Thank you for sharing that. I'm so glad you are at peace. Happy Birthday Michael! __________________ ~~Katie~~ Mom to: Nicholas and Nathan (7), Luke (5), Samuel (Luke's twin) stillborn 6/24/02 - cord accident and Andrew, 11/08/06

12-20-2005, 08:27 PM	#10 (permalink)
SueZ 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Westchester, New York Posts: 2,203	that's wonderful, Karin, you are at peace. It must be a, is nice the word for it, feeling?? I mean to not have guilt and to feel blessed with what you have, it is a good feeling I"m sure. I haven't gotten there yet and not sure I ever will. I wish I could feel like you do. I know what you mean about husbands taking off, we take off every year and last year, I remember I worked briefly, but I did feel guilty about it. But who knows how I will feel in the years to come I just want to wish Michael a Happy Birthday in heaven __________________ Suzanne ^!^ Zachary, 5/3/98-5/4/98, born 36 weeks, genetic kidney disease m/c Nicholas Zachary, December '99 Jesse Daniel, 9/4/03

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