Article on How to Help Grieving Children (all ages included)

[Phud]

How to Help Grieving Children

Include children and teens in the mourning process whenever possible and appropriate.

Maintain routines.
Listen and provide family talking time.
Acknowledge intense feelings without trying to "fix" it.
Give honest answers to questions.
Get emotional support for yourself.
Allow the child to be a child rather than trying to fill the shoes either emotionally or in responsibilities for the one who died.
Lower performance expectations as the family's energy goes toward grieving and emotional healing.
Get professional help if a family member's behavior is destructive.
Special Consideration for Different Ages

Birth to two years: Grieving infants and toddlers need physical contact for reassurance that they are cared for. Make sure that basic physical needs of comfort and care are met. Maintaining routines will help reinforce a sense of security. Include the child in family gatherings, including mourning times when possible and appropriate.

Two to five years: Answer repetitive questions with simple, honest answers. You may have to repeat the same answer many times as your child struggles to understand what happened and what your answer means in his or her life. Children at this age do not understand the permanence of death. A child may memorize the words that a special person is not coming back, but is not yet able to grasp the permanence of that concept.

Be aware that children sometimes behave as though much younger, even wanting a bottle or pacifier. Allow them to express and meet these needs. Provide safe ways to express feeling. Expect "grief bursts" that may look like an overreaction to a simple event, such as an outburst of tears after dropping a cookie. Provide physical and emotional affection (hugs, smiles, nods, holding time).

Talk with your child. It is okay for the child to know that you are sad, too. When talking with a child, provide something that can be done with his hands, such as a coloring book or modeling clay. It may appear that the child is not listening, yet this is when it may be easiest for him to listen.

Play with the child. For example, when the child asks you to be a monster and chase him, you can say, "I'm a monster and I'm chasing you!". Then follow the child's directions with actions and sounds. Be prepared for the child to play out an imagined or actual death scene over and over as she strives to understand what happened to that special loved one.

Groups are available at Judi's House for children beginning at age 3. Specialized play areas provide many opportunities for expression of feelings.

Six to twelve years: Children need the freedom to choose how to be involved in the death and mourning process. Incorporate the child's expression of love and grief during the funeral or memorial service, if the child so desires.

Going back to school following a death can be a difficult time for children. Children often have difficulty concentrating for several months following a death. Let teachers, principals, and school counselors know of the loss in the child's life. Work with the school to tailor the workload to the child's needs.

Plan intentional times together to talk, grieve, and play. At this age children are interested in the biological processes of death. After clarifying what is being asked, answer their questions truthfully.

Provide safe and appropriate outlets for physical expressions of the intense emotions of grief. Sports activities, bicycling, or punching a pillow provide release of physical tension that builds up during emotional pain. Drawing, music, dancing, acting, and playing all encourage self-expression needed to release pent-up feelings. Expect mood swings as children reach the pre-adolescent years. Emotional distress from the loss is intensified by physical changes.

Watch for feelings of guilt. Children may believe that their words or actions caused the illness or death. When children feel unrealistic guilt for a death, remind them of the facts of the situation. Let them know that the illness or death was not their fault. When children continue to feel unrealistic guilt, acknowledge their feelings and recognize them as difficult. Feeling guilty may delay the difficult awareness of vulnerability until the child is ready to deal with it.

Children often feel different from other children because of the death in their family. Peer support groups like the ones offered at Judi's House give children an opportunity to discover that they are not alone.

The Teen Years: Teens frequently prefer to talk with teen and adult friends rather than sharing feelings with parents and other caregivers. Encourage relationships with other supportive individuals. Be available to listen and share your own honest grief when the teen is ready to talk with you. Answer questions truthfully. Allow teens to cover up their grief if it is basically harmless to themselves and others. At the same time, encourage expression of feelings through sports, music, dancing, writing, or acting.

Going back to school following a death can be a difficult time for teens. It is normal to have difficulty concentrating for several months following a death. Let teachers, principals, and school counselors know of the loss. Work with the school to tailor the workload to the teen's needs.

Watch for changes in peer groups. High-risk behavior is common for teenagers. When emotions are complicated by a significant death loss, high-risk behavior may increase. Keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Be aware of who his or her friends are and where the teen is.

Peer support groups are important for teens. Judi's House offers teen groups that allow grieving teens to come together to support each other through the difficult journey of grief. Teens are welcome to try a group two to three times to see if it is good fit for them.

from: http://www.judithanngriesefoundation.org/help.html

[Phud]

How Children Grieve

It is believed that even infants grieve. If a person has been consistently present in an infant's life and then dies, the infant will feel a sense of loss.

A young child often does not initially respond to hearing that someone has died. Parents often interpret this lack of response as an indication that the child has no initial reaction or visible grief.

It is important to remember that a young child's perception is oriented in the five basic senses and is concrete, short-range and based on what is felt in the moment.

A young child does not comprehend the concept of death. A person is gone; then a person is there. When a person is gone and then still gone and then still gone, a child may grieve at each moment when he or she feels the person's "gone ness".

The child will miss the specific elements of the person: the sound of his/her voice, expression, smell, activities experienced together.

On the other hand, a child may not grieve at all until the cumulative effect of the loss inspires a longing or aching protest within the child.

Young children also mourn the loss of secondary people in their lives such as other family members and persons with whom the child spends significant amounts of time.



Children Are Concrete In Their Thinking

Describe death concretely in order to lesson their confusion. Use the words "death" and "dying," not "gravely ill" or "passed away" or "left us." Answer their questions simply and honestly.

You do not have to add a lot of detail. Children will ask if they want to know more. Try to discern if they are listening because they want to or for your benefit by watching their reactions.



Children Think from Specific to General

If someone dies in a hospital, children think that hospitals are for dying. If someone dies in his/her sleep, children are afraid to go to sleep. If one person dies, they fear someone else or everyone will die.

Children will learn to accommodate new truths on their own if they are allowed to express themselves and to try things out, such as going to sleep and waking up alive.



Children Are Repetitive in Their Grief

Children may ask questions repetitively. The answers often do not resolve their searching. The searching is part of their grief work.

Their questions are indicative of their feelings of confusion and uncertainty. Listen and support their searching. Answer repetitively. You may have to tell the story over and over and over again.



Children Are Physical in Their Grief

Grief is a physical experience for all ages and most especially for younger children. The older children are, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words, but younger children simply are their feelings. What they do with their bodies speaks their feelings.

Movement and active play yield communication. Watch their bodies and understand their play as their language of grief.

Reflect their play verbally and physically as a way of supporting their communication. For instance, you might say, "You are bouncing, bouncing, bouncing on those pillows; your face is red and you are yelling loudly." Verbally reflecting their play makes them feel that they are being heard and encourages them to continue to communicate.



Abstract Thinking

As children become older, they begin to grasp the concept of death. "Dead" takes on more meaning than just "gone." They begin to understand that the person will never come back.

Abstract thinking develops more in depth with the onset of adolescence. Sometimes a death will lead adolescents into philosophic pondering, sometimes appearing like depression, as they investigate the meaning of the event that has occurred. Questions such as "What is life?" "What is death?" "Who am I?" may arise.



Children Grieve Cyclically

Their grief work goes in cycles throughout their childhood and life. Each time they reach a new developmental level, they reintegrate the important events of their lives, using their newly acquired processes and skills.

For instance, a one-year old upon the death of her mother will become absorbed in the death again when her language skills develop and she is able to use words for the expression of her feelings. She may re-experience the grief again as an adolescent, using her newly acquired cognitive skills of abstract thinking.



Children Need Choices

Death is a disruption in children's lives that is quite frightening. Their lives will probably feel unstable, confusing and out of control. These topsy turvy feelings can be smoothed if children have some say in what they do or do not do to memorialize the person who died and to express their feelings about the death.

Whenever possible, children should be offered choices about going to the hospital, viewing the body, and attending the funeral.

Children often appreciate being offered pictures and possessions of the deceased person as a way of supporting their grieving process. Allow them to have clothing or objects of the person, to play with toys, and to have pictures. Let them choose what they want and what they want to do with them.

Children may assume qualities of the dead person as a way of keeping a sense of that person alive. Mannerisms and symptoms of the deceased person may appear.



Children Grieve As A Part Of A Family

When a family member dies, it will affect the way the family functions as a whole. All the relationships within the family may shift, adjusting to the new family structure.

Children may mourn the person who died and the environment in the family that existed before the death. Children may grieve the changed behavior of family and friends.

It is helpful if each family member is encouraged to grieve in his/her own way, with support for individual differences. Family members should give others permission to witness their mourning It is important not to shield children from emotions. Offering them the option to be alone or to be with others will facilitate their feelings of being included and give them permission to be with their feelings as well.



A Child's Feelings

Children's feelings are their allies. Feelings help children to pay attention to their loss. Through this attention comes their own understanding about the death they are grieving. Although young children do not understand the abstract concept of death, they should be allowed to express their feelings through behavior and by asking questions.

Children of all ages must work through their fearful feelings until they come to their own understanding. The process may be difficult for both parents and children as it may include nightmares, physical symptoms, regressions, and anti-social behavior. If children receive sufficient attention and nurturing during this fearful time, they will recover a sense of a basic dependability of life.

Fear can appear differently in different children. Listen to a child's fears and validate them as difficult feelings to feel.

Some children act younger or regress. They want the reassurance, the care and attention that they received when they were younger.

Some children become over-achievers in an attempt to contradict their own feelings of helplessness. They may do everything "right," even to the extent of parenting their parents.

Some children exhibit exaggerated displays of power to counteract their fears. This can take the form of super-hero manifestations or may look like what we would characterize as naughty behavior, acting out, anger and/or belligerence.

Some children may withdraw and become very quiet, frozen in fear.

Guilt

There are many kinds of guilt about a death, including:

Guilt from intentional action that may have caused a death.

Regret for actions (or lack of) that might have prevented a death.

An unrealistic sense of responsibility that protects us from the senselessness of the death.

Sometimes unrealistic guilt can ease the fear that children may feel when someone dies. Taking unrealistic responsibility for a death gives children a false reassurance that they can prevent unwanted events if they only try harder.

Over-protectiveness of children can also produce a child's guilt.

For instance, as a natural protective mechanism, parents may not tell their children what is taking place. Children perceive the tension, sadness and anger and become frightened, sensing that something horrible is taking place but no one is talking to them about it.

All children attempt to make sense out of what is happening in their surroundings and do so by filling in the gaps with their own imagined explanations, often with a sense of personal responsibility for what has taken place. As they mature, they begin to comprehend that life's events happen and that they are not solely responsible.

When children feel unrealistic guilt for a death, remind them of the facts of the situation. "It is not your fault. You are a child and could not have taken over the driving of the car to save Daddy. Daddy was an adult, a good driver, and even he could not do it. The other car was coming towards us too fast, and that is why it hit us and killed Daddy."

When children continue to feel unrealistic guilt, acknowledge their feelings and recognize them as difficult. Children may need to continue to feel guilty until they are ready to feel the more difficult feelings of vulnerability.

Anger

There are different kinds of anger expressed in grieving. There may be unresolved issues between a child and the person who died. There may be anger in a child as a protest against the fact of the death and the lack of dependability of life.

Anger can also be an antidote to fear, manifesting in an outward display of personal power. A child may become rebellious or resistant to counteract the vulnerability of feeling fear and sorrow.

Sorrow

When children feel sad, they may be ready to accept the truth of the loss without protest.

Sorrow can be an expression of a child's feelings of vulnerability as he or she continues to live without the person who died.

Children may grieve a loss of security. Loving arms around a child who cries with sorrow can offer safety and acceptance in a world that includes the dying of those we love.

Acceptance

We do not "get over" an important death in our lives. We learn to live with it, accept it, and go on with our lives to find and create joy in living. Gentle acknowledgment of those who have died gives depth to our picture of life.

Adapted from the Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon

[Phud]

The information in this article applies to all children. Caring adults should adapt our suggestions to fit the age and maturity of the individual child. A special section about teenagers adds insight for that age group.

The most important message is: You can't fix grief. Caring adults who try to 'fix' or 'solve' a child's grief will be frustrated. Their good intentions will not work. Instead, caring adults need to honor and support the child's grief.

Death is an event that leaves a permanent hole in a child's life. It cannot be fixed.

Allow the child to grieve. Be available for the child. Listen. Do not set a time limit on grief. Encourage them to share. Help them find their own words.


The Facts of Death
Inform the child as soon as possible. The child should hear the truth from someone close to her, not from outsiders. Waiting for the 'right time' causes confusion and resentment, and it damages trust.

Children need to know what happened to the body. Some want more details than others. But they all deserve a factual explanation of what happened. Explain clearly, simply, and honestly what caused the death. Do not lie. Avoid euphemisms.

Do not say:



"God needed an angel."

"She went on a trip and can't come back."

"He went to sleep and won't wake up."

Say:



"Her body stopped working and could not be fixed. She couldn't breathe or eat anymore."

"He was very, very sick for a long time, and there was no medicine that could help."

"She died."

Explain that the death was not the child's fault. Children commonly believe that something they did, said, or thought might have caused the death. If this is the case, assure the child that he did the best he could.

Be prepared to repeat what happened, over and over again. This is especially important for a very young child. Be patient. If the child was present, it is often helpful for the child to go over what happened.

Spiritual Beliefs
If the child's family has a spiritual belief about life after death, talk about this belief with the child. Share with the child if the religion includes survival of the spirit or afterlife.

You may prefer to talk about a caring and comforting God, instead of describing death as God's doing.

Knowing what a family believes may help a child feel better about what happened to the loved one's spirit. It is not a substitute for explaining what happened to the body. (See previous section, "The Facts of Death.")

The most important thing is to be honest. Admit if you don't know all the answers

Memorial Ceremonies
No matter what rites are used to remember a loved one, they are likely to be new and mysterious for a child. Include the child in the preparations--receiving friends at home, visitation, wake, funeral, memorial service, cremation, or trip to the cemetery.

Describe beforehand what will happen in clear and simple terms. Tell the child what he will see and hear. Explain the purpose of each ritual.

Ask the child to help:


Arrange flowers or help with the food

Choose a favorite song or story for the service

Write a note to go inside the casket

Take a special gift or flower to the service

Invite friends and teachers

Create a collage of photos

Encourage your child to attend the services. Taking part in even some of the rituals helps the child to understand and feel less alone.
If the child is reluctant to attend, gently mention that she may later regret missing out on this important day. Remind him that a close relative or adult friend will be nearby the whole time. Do not, however, force the child to do anything against his will. Try to have the child attend at least one small part. Allow for a last-minute change of mind.

Feelings
Grief is a normal reaction to losing someone who was loved or important. Each individual mourns in a different way.

Some children grieve openly from the start; others show no sign for months. There is no right or wrong way. Avoid judgment words.

Do not say:



"Stop crying all the time."

"It's been long enough. You should be over it by now."

"You should be crying. You should be showing you are sad."

Express your own feelings. Your displays of emotion give the child permission to be open and honest with her feelings.

Say:


"I am so angry."

"I am so sad."

"I can see that you are sad."

Tell the child that it's normal to feel angry, guilty, frustrated, scared.
Model safe ways to express feelings, like:


Punch a pillow

Scream really loud

Keep a journal

Tear up old newspapers

If your child wants to stay physically close,


Hold the child close, if he desires

Sit next to each other whenever possible

Cry together

Allow the child to sleep with or near you

Talk about the loved one

If the child prefers to be alone, that's okay, but check in on her.

Talking and Listening
Encourage communication, but don't force it. Listen carefully. Acknowledge and validate the child's feelings.

Take seriously what the child is saying. Address concerns as they come up.

A child might be worried about:


"Who would take care of me if you died?"

"Will Susie die when she goes to the hospital to get her tonsils out?"

If the child finds talking difficult:

Talk about your own feelings

Use memories and stories to help the child find words

Play a sport or game together

Draw a picture of your family together

Read a book or watch a video together (Ask Fernside, library, or store for suggestions.)

Take a walk or a car ride where you're alone together, but not face-to-face

Arrange for an adult, who is not the parent, to be around and listen

Seek the help of a support group or professional counseling

Say:


"I can see you're feeling sad today, and I'm sad too."

"Remember when your sister used to sing that silly song?"

"Let's look together at the scrapbook about Daddy."

"Your mom loved the way you played soccer."

Helpful Activities
Often a child may feel very helpless after a death in the family. Anything which gives confidence is good. A new skill can help a child regain lost self-esteem. It can renew a sense of personal strength and control. Also, nonverbal expression, through arts or sports, might be an easier way for some children to cope.

Offer music or art lessons

Find a class in karate, wrestling, chess, ceramics

Supply materials for arts and crafts projects

Make or give the child hand puppets

Provide a blank notebook as a journal or sketch pad

Find a charity to give to or work for in memory of the one who died

Kids at Fernside really enjoy bop-em bags, wrestling mats, hammering golf tees into styrofoam, play dough, shaving cream, sand boxes, basketball, and Pictionary.
Changes in Behavior
Try to suspend judgment as long as the child is not hurting herself or another person.

It takes a long time to adjust to the loss of a loved one. A temporary stage of acting out or temper tantrums will often pass if the family allows the child to leave it behind.

Love each other and share hugs often. Express affection in a way your family finds most comfortable.

A child may change his appearance drastically or develop a very different attitude. It is possible that he might not return to being the exact same child he was 'before.' Sometimes a grieving child will change his crowd of friends. Actively check into new friends and situations in a positive and interested way.

People who have experienced a death undergo tremendous personal change. Allow the new self to emerge slowly. Give the child support and help. Change is difficult in any circumstance.

Household Routines
Try to spend more time with each child individually.

Also spend time as a family.


Review the day together before bedtime

Set up a weekly family gathering time

Eat some of your meals together (Find another spot in the house to gather for a meal, if being around the dining room table is difficult.)

Try to maintain some of the normal routines. Allow each child to choose what they will do to help around the house. Relax your standards of cleanliness a little, at least temporarily. Talk to other caring adults (like teachers) about relaxing their expectations, too.
Be realistic about how much any of you want to do. Everyone may appreciate a temporary scaling back from a full schedule. Allow your friends to help.

If possible, put off big changes, preferably for a year. When it is time for a change, include the child. Ask the child what she would like. Give her an opportunity to express opinions and contribute to decisions.


"I'm thinking about moving. Would you like to stay in the same neighborhood or explore a new area?"

"Who should have the empty room?"

"What toys or books or clothing of Becky's would you like to have or keep?"

At School
School can be a source of additional stress. Don't push the child to return to school immediately after the death. Work closely with the child, teachers, and school staff. Help create an understanding environment.
Set up ways to help the child deal with:


Trouble concentrating on school work

Problems with classmates

Days when she feels especially sad or vulnerable

Also available from Fernside is the brochure, How a Teacher Can Help a Grieving Child.

What to Expect in the Future
Grieving is a process that takes a very long time. The child will never stop missing the absent loved one. The pain will slowly, gradually, decrease IF the child is allowed to grieve and express feelings.

Daily life contains many hidden pitfalls for children who have lost a close relative. New friends ask how many siblings are in the family. Other kids complain about their parents. A girl's first period without a mother around. Father & Son camp-out. Birthdays. Anniversaries of death, even the date (like the 10th of the month). Holidays.

Children deal with bits and pieces of reality as they mature. Grief may seem to resurface years later. The child might withdraw, mope around, act out, be on edge, or cry.

Be sensitive to what may have triggered it. Talk about it, if they want. Express your love.

Teenagers
The suggestions in this article are general, to fit a wide range of ages. Individuals vary, and so do their responses.

Teenagers can sometimes get caught in the middle. They understand more than little children do. But the pain, fear, and feelings of abandonment are just as strong and raw.

Since they look like adults, people may make the mistake of thinking that teens have adult ways to cope. A quiet teenager, as well as a talkative one, might give the impression that they are doing better than they really are. Sometimes significant adults mistakenly keep a low profile.

Older children may try to:


Protect a parent or avoid hurting a parent

Feel they need to take the place of the person who died

Conceal feelings or actions they may be too ashamed to admit

The emotional turmoil of adolescence can add to the confusion. Whether the death was recent or long ago--when a child enters puberty, the loss will be keenly felt.

[Phud]

Birth to Three years: Children just a few months old may not have any comprehension of death, but will experience some of their mother's stess. A child two years old or less may speak of death as "no more", revealing the beginning of understanding.

Preschoolers: Three or four year old children fear separation but tend to think of it as temporary. In their fantasies, they may destroy living things and then bring them back to life. So they need explanation that the body stopped working and won't start working again. These children may also be alarmed when they see intense sadness in their parents. They need to hear something like "mommy and daddy are going to be okay, but we're very sad right now because we miss ____ so much."

Four to Six year olds: These children may wonder why people have to die. They may still have difficulty understanding death and may develop wrong ideas, such as connecting the sibling's death with angry thoughts toward him or her. In the child's magic world, wishes and desires cause things to happen. This may lead to guilt feelings.

Six to Nine year olds: At this age, children may still think the sibling can come back. Or, if they have been taught a belief in heaven and life after death, they may wonder why they can't go there and visit and then come back. At around eight or nine years of age, children may think that the sibling who died did not love them enough and that was why s/he died. As children approach nine years of age, they tend to ask more questions about life and death.

Nine through Adolescence: These children can understand that biological life always ends in death and that it may come earlier than expected. Especially as children approach adolescence, they will want to share their feelings with others. And they will have questions.

Adolescence: By about twelve years of age, children can understand death as well as any adult, but they are preoccupied with the present, with relationships with their peers, and with their own identity. The death of a sibling will probably come as a confusing shock and will bring deep emotional reactions, not all of which will be understood.

"Sibling Grief: How parents can help the child whose brother or sister has died."

[Phud]

Fear of Illness: The way a child died will affect the surviving children. If the death followed illness, the other children will tend to fear illness. Younger children, especially, may need some explanation about how rarely illnesses lead to death in the young.

Fear of hospitals and medical personelle: If your child died in a hospital, that may be a place where the surviving children would rather never go. They may think the hospital or the staff caused the death. The younger child may need some explanation and examples of the healing activities of hospitals, doctors, and nurses.

Fear of other imminent death: Young children may fear that a parent may suddenly die, or that another sister or brother may die, or that they themselves may die. Assurances are in order. The special circumstances of the death should be explained. Yet the reality of eventual death at a time unknown should hardly be denied.

Fear of death itself or what lies beyond: This fear is natural, particularly when children encounter death close up for the first time. Of course fear of death is common in adults too, but thoughts of death and life afterward tend to be avoided. Since what you say to your children will reflect your own beliefs and fears, now may be a time to re-examine your own beliefs. The deeper your conviction, the more significant will be your conversation with your children.**

**I was slightly disappointed with what the author says here seeing as how most parents experience issues with faith or beliefs after their child dies. I found that as I re-examined my faith and what I had been taught, I often had to tell Connor "I don't know" when he'd ask about God and his role in Paul and Jack's lifes/deaths.

[Crystal]

Christine,

Thank you so much for sharing these ! Where did you find these?

I found them very insightful.. Lane has been asking a lot of questions about who would take care of him if we died.. and of course always about Hannah and why she died and why can't she come back? etc.. This has helped me to better understand how his little 4 year old mind works..even though this is under the 6-9 year category I've been experiencing this with him a lot.

"At this age, children may still think the sibling can come back. Or, if they have been taught a belief in heaven and life after death, they may wonder why they can't go there and visit and then come back"

Thank you so much Christine! I'm going to pin this at the top.

[Crystal]

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights, and the Grieving Care Giver
The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief: No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell you what you should and shouldn't be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief: Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions: Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgemental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits: Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience grief "attacks": Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual: The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loeved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality: If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning: You may find yourself asking: "Why did s/he die?" or Why this way? Why now? Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's Will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories: Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal: Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

"How to Reach Out for Help When You are Grieving" Dr. Alan Wolfelt.


__________________
Christine
Connor (6), Erinn (2) and Jack & Paul (born 3/15/01, died 3/19/01)

Custom Creations

How many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth, like the Loch Ness monster and North Dakota.
~Sheen from Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius



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Christine
1000-4999 post queen of hearts

Registered: Jan 2002
Location: Arlington, Texas
Posts: 4204
This is intended as a contract for you to print, fill out and pin somewhere to remind yourself that you too are grieving.

I,_________________________, on this date of ____________ recognize that I am a grieving caregiver, who deserves to be cared for, and nurtured to promote my overall mental health and physical well-being. I promise to faithfully do the following things to take care of myself so that I can continue to care for others:


















Signed__________________________________

~~~

For my list, I have things like:
1. eat regularly and pay attention to healthy foods
2. try not to stress about the little things
3. enjoy some me-time and give DH some time to himself as well
4. sleep better and more
5. exercise

but, anything goes as long as you can look at the list and remind yourself that you need care too.

Love,
Christine


__________________
Christine
Connor (6), Erinn (2) and Jack & Paul (born 3/15/01, died 3/19/01)

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How many times do I have to tell you? Your permanent record is just a myth, like the Loch Ness monster and North Dakota.
~Sheen from Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius



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07-14-2004 07:07 PM Offline Profile Private_Message Homepage Search Buddy Edit Quote



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[kathyMullins001]

I thought I'd add in my perspective here since my sister passed when she was 2 1/2 years old... I'm now an adult, but I have some pretty vivid memories of how I felt... and guess what? It still saddens my heart and is still a loss to this day...

In reading the articles in the posts, I'd like to comment on:
"Fear of other imminent death: Young children may fear that a parent may suddenly die, or that another sister or brother may die, or that they themselves may die. Assurances are in order. The special circumstances of the death should be explained. Yet the reality of eventual death at a time unknown should hardly be denied."

I was surprised to read this because I never really connected the two, but it makes sense now. I used to have awful, awful nightmares as a child that I would wake up and my whole family would be in coffins lying in the back yard. I still remember the dreams vividly, thats how tramatizing it was to me at the time. I think losing my sister made me overly anxious about people getting sick, getting hurt, the possibilities of accidents... anything that could lead to death. I ended up being an extremely careful child/teen/adult... I can remember all my friends jumping off rocks into the lake and not only wouldn't I do it, but I was in the water thinking "how am I going to save them when they jump off and hit a rock in the water and break their neck". I would cringe every jump thinking my friends were surely headed for death. It really does follow you through life. I was a nervous wreck with my baby brother, watching his every move, making sure he didn't put himself in harms way... always fearful that he wasn't being watched close enough by the adults... When I first became married, if DH was late coming home and didn't call... i never thought he was simply running late, I immediately would worry he had been in a horrible car accident and he was out there somewhere dead or dying, not able to speak. I must admit, I have gotten soooooooo much better about this over the years, I think in part it just comes with maturity, getting a little more wise... etc.

I don't know what the right answer is on how to prevent these feelings... just wanted to let you know what surviving siblings may be feeling. Losing my sister (my only sister - I have two brothers) was very, very sad. But since it made everyone in my family so sad to talk about her, I never felt like I could even bring up her name. I still don't feel like I can. I remember I would take out stashed pictures of her when I knew I was alone and cry my eyes out telling her how much I missed her and wished that she was around to still be my sister.

Now I am married to DH who, by pure coincidence (sp?) lost his DD when she was almost 2 yrs old... and since talking about my sister always made everyone feel worse in my house, I never know quite what to say when he brings up DD. I will conversate briefly with him about her, then we go off subject. I don't know if its because he doesn't want to get too broken up at that time, or if I'm not reading queues right that he'd like to talk more... because I have to go on my experience with my family, where no one ever taked about my sister. My father took all her pictures off the walls, they gave all her stuff immediately away to goodwill, they tried to make it seem like she was never there it seemed to me. I can't judge anyone for what they do in a time of crisis like this, but to me, that is a mistake. I'm glad to say we have pictures of DH's DD all over the place,and that brings me joy. I feel like it brings him some peace too, to still be able to see her lovely face every day. I no longer even have a single picture of my sister, and my mom only has a handful. Only a handful of pictures over the years survived moves, my dad, time damage, loss ...etc.

I hope I don't make anyone sad with this post... my only intention is to help parents that have been through a loss maybe get an idea of what their other kid(s) might be going through as well. Its a great loss for them too. And sometimes it makes kids even sadder to see their parents so sad too. Its a very hard time. Now a days, they have counseling and that would probably be a good venue to start because at least that would be a "safe place" for your child to talk about all their feelings without worrying about how what they say will affect mom or dad. Kids don't like to make their parents cry, ya know?

Blessings to you all!